(no subject)
I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately and it make me tear up. Life does go
on. I think of her less, but when I have a sudden change in fait for the better
I can't help but think its her or my grandpa helping me out where they can.
I am used to bad luck and I have been luckier there are certain things I simply
can't do on my own. I am worried less now about how I am going to take care of
myself. My main concern for so long was "what am I going to do"...I still
don't know but I have more of an idea. I know what I want out of life and most
importantly its happieness. I have a new job a big girl job people are depending
on me to do a job and do it well. I am hard on myself and I need to give myself
more credit than I do. I hate making mistake or letting people down because
in-turn I am letting myself down when I do that. I have been at the new job
for a week and 3 days and so far I am happy there, I get stressed out a bit
like you would at any other job but this job is rewarding. I thought that I was
stupid, I thought I was a loser...I've had those thoughts since 4th grade.
My teachers made fun of my work to the class in 1st grade and it always stuck
with me. 3rd grade my teacher didn't have the paitence to teach me multipication...
she sighed and walked away in the middel of helping me. Those are the teachers
I fear, or the teachers I would love to see today and spit on. Life is what you
make it but children are innocent and teachers like that leave a scar. Laziness
will kick in, they wont care or think they are smart. From that point on I had
to constintly have assment testing to see how high my IQ was. I thought I was smart.
After a few years of this (they did it once or twice a year) I got angry at myself
I figured howcome none of the other kids have to take these retard tests why am I
singled out?...I would become fidgity and want to be at recess not in a room taking
an IQ test. I think it was because of moment like that I may not have done so good
on those tests because I wanted to play at recess. They always took you out during
lunch, recess, or any other fun time during school. I felt like I wasn't getting
my break. Anyway I just dind't have faith or confidence in myself.
I got better with age obviously but my faith in myself was never high.
Long story short I found a decent job and thats without collage which
is why I think its my mother doing it. Someday I'll go back to school for
something bigger and better, for now this is a start.
I work all the time so my dod kind of left me for lucy. I am sad about it because I love him and I wanted him so, so bad...and I hate that he doesn't love me THE MOST!...Somedays hes nicer than others and wants to be around me all night. When he isnt I get jelious and sad. It makes me want a boyfriend more. Than I realize that I hate men because I only get she shitty type. Im tired a lot and I enjoy a glass of wine before bed, I don't know if its okay or not...my dad said its bad.
I want to go to cici's because I've never been there and the commerical makes me want it, I always want papa johns, I bet it sucks though....ALSO want to try sonic I hear theres one in kingston ...perhaps I'll go on a road trip there this weekend with someone? idk!
I love the beatles they make me happy.
I love heels again no matter how bad they hurt my feet...you get used to it, I am clumbsy but I was born to walk in heels I loved them even as a little girl I used to run around clicking my heels everywhere...includeing church.
I bought the hottest pair of boots this season from aldo. I put in my two weeks but I'm just never going back because Allison (the manager) is a nasty person so I want to make her day suck bc karma is a bitch...I'm sure it will bite me in the ass bc anything wrong I do I get it back to me. I will miss the disscount, the shoes, and SOME of the gals. I wont miss back pain or allison's unbareable face/aditude.
I enjoy my new full time job it gets crazy like anything else but I'm happy so far. I enjoy everyone I work with and love shareing the front desk with Lisa. Lisa is a pleasure to work with we make whatever we are doing fun...and that is my favorite part. I am honored to work flor this Dr. Because hes very kind and laid back, I've never met a Dr. with a giant heart ever...his wife is nothing like him...I don't mind her at all there just opposites...Maybe shes just really quite. Her ego is a little to much for me though although she has not given me any problems what so ever...she just doesn't laugh at all its strange...Because the reg. Dr. is pretty funny and laughs a lot and hes always singing and making jokes. Long story short I have a decent thing going I'm not sad when I leave and I feel accomplished most days. I think I need to be less hard on myself though. The Dr.s and Giulia aren't as hard on me as I am on myself I've taken notice that I pull myself down more than I need to. I'm a happier person and its only been a week and 4 day's now.
I have a good feeling and I think I will be fine...my mom is gone but her spirit is around and the same goes from my loving, warm, jolly grandfather who I miss so much. I met an old man at the office he was a getlemen and so kind I talked with him and he made me tear up because for a moment he resembeled my loveing grandpa. My grandparents are the warmest people...EXSPECIALLY him. I always miss him in my life I miss his huge smile and laughter because he found me to be adorable and funny. A wonderful man I believe the world is more grey without him in it. He truely was brilliant.
I thinking about my speech to my mother at her funeral and the one for my grandpa...I am very proud of those speechs...everything I felt and wanted to say was on those sheets of paper. I haven't read them since the funerals....and I don't know if I'll ever be able to again I'm not even sure as to where they are. Its strange how there are really things in your life that change you forever, and things you will NEVER forget. I hope I am strong enough to lose my grandma...bc Im not sure if I am... I really dont want to go crazy.
Lastly I need to go back to the gym. Pronto.
on. I think of her less, but when I have a sudden change in fait for the better
I can't help but think its her or my grandpa helping me out where they can.
I am used to bad luck and I have been luckier there are certain things I simply
can't do on my own. I am worried less now about how I am going to take care of
myself. My main concern for so long was "what am I going to do"...I still
don't know but I have more of an idea. I know what I want out of life and most
importantly its happieness. I have a new job a big girl job people are depending
on me to do a job and do it well. I am hard on myself and I need to give myself
more credit than I do. I hate making mistake or letting people down because
in-turn I am letting myself down when I do that. I have been at the new job
for a week and 3 days and so far I am happy there, I get stressed out a bit
like you would at any other job but this job is rewarding. I thought that I was
stupid, I thought I was a loser...I've had those thoughts since 4th grade.
My teachers made fun of my work to the class in 1st grade and it always stuck
with me. 3rd grade my teacher didn't have the paitence to teach me multipication...
she sighed and walked away in the middel of helping me. Those are the teachers
I fear, or the teachers I would love to see today and spit on. Life is what you
make it but children are innocent and teachers like that leave a scar. Laziness
will kick in, they wont care or think they are smart. From that point on I had
to constintly have assment testing to see how high my IQ was. I thought I was smart.
After a few years of this (they did it once or twice a year) I got angry at myself
I figured howcome none of the other kids have to take these retard tests why am I
singled out?...I would become fidgity and want to be at recess not in a room taking
an IQ test. I think it was because of moment like that I may not have done so good
on those tests because I wanted to play at recess. They always took you out during
lunch, recess, or any other fun time during school. I felt like I wasn't getting
my break. Anyway I just dind't have faith or confidence in myself.
I got better with age obviously but my faith in myself was never high.
Long story short I found a decent job and thats without collage which
is why I think its my mother doing it. Someday I'll go back to school for
something bigger and better, for now this is a start.
I work all the time so my dod kind of left me for lucy. I am sad about it because I love him and I wanted him so, so bad...and I hate that he doesn't love me THE MOST!...Somedays hes nicer than others and wants to be around me all night. When he isnt I get jelious and sad. It makes me want a boyfriend more. Than I realize that I hate men because I only get she shitty type. Im tired a lot and I enjoy a glass of wine before bed, I don't know if its okay or not...my dad said its bad.
I want to go to cici's because I've never been there and the commerical makes me want it, I always want papa johns, I bet it sucks though....ALSO want to try sonic I hear theres one in kingston ...perhaps I'll go on a road trip there this weekend with someone? idk!
I love the beatles they make me happy.
I love heels again no matter how bad they hurt my feet...you get used to it, I am clumbsy but I was born to walk in heels I loved them even as a little girl I used to run around clicking my heels everywhere...includeing church.
I bought the hottest pair of boots this season from aldo. I put in my two weeks but I'm just never going back because Allison (the manager) is a nasty person so I want to make her day suck bc karma is a bitch...I'm sure it will bite me in the ass bc anything wrong I do I get it back to me. I will miss the disscount, the shoes, and SOME of the gals. I wont miss back pain or allison's unbareable face/aditude.
I enjoy my new full time job it gets crazy like anything else but I'm happy so far. I enjoy everyone I work with and love shareing the front desk with Lisa. Lisa is a pleasure to work with we make whatever we are doing fun...and that is my favorite part. I am honored to work flor this Dr. Because hes very kind and laid back, I've never met a Dr. with a giant heart ever...his wife is nothing like him...I don't mind her at all there just opposites...Maybe shes just really quite. Her ego is a little to much for me though although she has not given me any problems what so ever...she just doesn't laugh at all its strange...Because the reg. Dr. is pretty funny and laughs a lot and hes always singing and making jokes. Long story short I have a decent thing going I'm not sad when I leave and I feel accomplished most days. I think I need to be less hard on myself though. The Dr.s and Giulia aren't as hard on me as I am on myself I've taken notice that I pull myself down more than I need to. I'm a happier person and its only been a week and 4 day's now.
I have a good feeling and I think I will be fine...my mom is gone but her spirit is around and the same goes from my loving, warm, jolly grandfather who I miss so much. I met an old man at the office he was a getlemen and so kind I talked with him and he made me tear up because for a moment he resembeled my loveing grandpa. My grandparents are the warmest people...EXSPECIALLY him. I always miss him in my life I miss his huge smile and laughter because he found me to be adorable and funny. A wonderful man I believe the world is more grey without him in it. He truely was brilliant.
I thinking about my speech to my mother at her funeral and the one for my grandpa...I am very proud of those speechs...everything I felt and wanted to say was on those sheets of paper. I haven't read them since the funerals....and I don't know if I'll ever be able to again I'm not even sure as to where they are. Its strange how there are really things in your life that change you forever, and things you will NEVER forget. I hope I am strong enough to lose my grandma...bc Im not sure if I am... I really dont want to go crazy.
Lastly I need to go back to the gym. Pronto.