(no subject)
kel,
i dont know what to say besides that i am so sorry.
it has nothing to do with you or your ideas, and im just being selfish.
i know that this isnt fair at all to you.
i have just come to a point in time where im moving forward at a good pace, and i think that being in that atmosphere, as much as i try to tell myself otherwise, would put me back more than a just couple of steps.
you are my bestest friend.
you know me better than i know myself.
i hope you can see that i just had to be real with you on this one even though i hate myself for it.
you know that ill be with you those whole two weekends, and i promise you, my name will be on those around-the-clock posters for every hour.
i probably wont be able to stop smiling, just knowing that youre up there changing lives.
and that wont be affected just because im not there.
youre still going to be kelly, and hes still going to be jeremiah, and youre still going to be YDs.
youre going to have tables and skits and facilitators and new searchers and talks and hush paddles.
and youll probably think of some gross stuff to do to some of the kids there...stuff that even i would find appalling.
youre going to be strong and youre going to be good. kids will look to you like you looked to kevin and katie and they will say, "i want to be there someday. i want to let her know how much she has changed my life."
that retreat is going to be infused with the light of the Lord.
and kel, just remember that i dont have to be in the moment to be immensely proud of you or to look up to you with the higest regard. i feel those things on a day to day basis anyways.
i cant believe how unbelieveably lucky i am to call you my best friend, because i most certainly dont deserve you.
but i PROMISE that this changes nothing between us and that i will always be with you...
for christmas i said:
"People we meet see a little of you in me and a little of me in you. It’s as if we are cut from the same fabric...we have a common thread that won't be broken by people or years or distance. With you, speech is effortless and laughter is contagious. You bring love and light, kindness and caring, cheer and support into my life. Sometimes we take different roads. Sometimes we are the mirror image of each other and other times we couldn't be more opposite. But because of you, I know myself better. Thank you for listening without judging, and for giving advice without pushing. Thank you for helping me gain confidence in myself to stand alone and for letting me know you'll always be there. You share my history...you remember where I've been, respect who I have become, and encourage me to where I'm going. May you always be fulfilled as well. May you feel content with your accomplishments and, no matter what, know that you are truly and deeply loved."
some people say that if you are fortunate enough, you will find your soulmate in life. i may never meet the right guy for me (although i hope i do someday), but in my heart, i know that i will be content just knowing that someone knows me like the back of their own hand. i love you sister.
promise me that well be friends forever...
"everything is going to be alright. everything is going to be alright. everything is going to be alright. be strong, believe."