im tired of staying inside the lines ive drawn for myself, but i cant break free without some help
i associate everything in my world with colors, which might explain why i love the endless crayons in thosee big 96 packs. i have my favorites, of course (cerulean, granny smith apple :), and because i use them so much, they get worn down really quickly. and its kind of annoying because i can only sharpen them so many times before i get tired of peeling back the wrapper: coloring with a flat-topped crayon is not as fun as coloring with a brand new one. when the usual colors finally start to get old, i always end up discovering newer ones that i never knew existed...
...im starting to get tired of some of the old things in my life, and i just hope i can find something new that will make me equally as happy. i want my world to be colorful again, but not with the same cliche preschool shades of red, yellow, and blue. i want something different. i want something more grown-up.
i keep telling myself that it doesnt matter if im in control or not,
but im not comfortable handing over the little power i have left.
im thinking that its less of a control thing and more of a trust issue instead,
which is weird because i am usually more trusting than anyone i know.
im in this undiscovered limbo where i know what im doing is wrong,
and i know that i should be able to give it up and not care, but i cant.
its getting to the point where im contradiciting what i tell to others:
i say that everything happens for a reason, and i still believe that it does,
but i just cant accept that a lot of times i wont have a say in what happens in my life.
does that make me a hypocrite, or does it just make me scared of where im going next?
maybe its a little of both.
maybe im just paranoid.
maybe i need to realize how much ive been given.
maybe i need to have a little faith.
"im alive, im alive, im alive, im alive.
im alive, im alive, im alive, im alive."