(no subject)
Where do I start. I'm sitting here in my apartment working on these damn readings for Music History that I should have been doing all sememster long that are due by noon tommorrow. God I could kick myself. I feel like I'm right back in that rut that I was in when I was with Neal my sophomore year. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to go home. I'm miserable...that's just it. I am...yet I know exactly what I want...but I'm scared to lose what I have. I don't like to make decisions unless I'm sure about them, and I'm positive about one of the decisions, and quasi-sure about the other. The quasi part is exactly what is holding me back. And in the process, I may lose something I want a lot. I can only pray to God that he'll lead me in the right direction. I don't pray anymore. I've lost all sight in turning to God whether it be for help, or even thanking him for what he has blessed me with.
And for some reason, I'm here alone questioning whether or not I have true friends. I know I do, I just wish they were all here with me right now so I can have the motivation to do what I need to do. Yes, I depend on people that much. Sallie knows I love her, and had a blast with her this weekend when she came down. Trey's next door on the phone with Bradley, and even though he's still here, I miss him. Bob isn't far, but he's so busy with his scholarly life that it's hard to see him or stop by his house without fearing you're holding him back from being productive.He doesn't make you feel like that, that's my own personal fear. He does his shit and likes to get it done without distraction. Jeremy's gone to a party with Louis, and well, I just don't feel like I can talk to Louis anymore.
Let me talk about Bob a minute. I cannot for the life of me believe that we have been such good friends this long. Well, I can, but the relationship I have with Bob is one I may never have with any of my other friends. It's peculiar really. He's never opened up to me. Never. I don't really know his inner thoughts about life unless I read them on his LJ. We're very close in our own special way, and that's really good enough for me. Maybe it's the memories we've shared of going through adolescence together. Maybe its the fact that he was my first kiss, and you never forget your first kiss, and how glad I am that it was with him and not some random guy I'll regret giving my kissing virginity to. We have grown up together mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm just so proud of him and his accomplishments. For 8 years, we have managed to hang around the same people in high school, date in high school, gone to the same college, have the same friends in college, worked at two different places together in college, and live next door to eachother in college. Now I get to watch him walk and accept his diploma on Saturday, and I assure you, the tears will be flowing. I love you Bob!
That's in my mind right now.
And for some reason, I'm here alone questioning whether or not I have true friends. I know I do, I just wish they were all here with me right now so I can have the motivation to do what I need to do. Yes, I depend on people that much. Sallie knows I love her, and had a blast with her this weekend when she came down. Trey's next door on the phone with Bradley, and even though he's still here, I miss him. Bob isn't far, but he's so busy with his scholarly life that it's hard to see him or stop by his house without fearing you're holding him back from being productive.He doesn't make you feel like that, that's my own personal fear. He does his shit and likes to get it done without distraction. Jeremy's gone to a party with Louis, and well, I just don't feel like I can talk to Louis anymore.
Let me talk about Bob a minute. I cannot for the life of me believe that we have been such good friends this long. Well, I can, but the relationship I have with Bob is one I may never have with any of my other friends. It's peculiar really. He's never opened up to me. Never. I don't really know his inner thoughts about life unless I read them on his LJ. We're very close in our own special way, and that's really good enough for me. Maybe it's the memories we've shared of going through adolescence together. Maybe its the fact that he was my first kiss, and you never forget your first kiss, and how glad I am that it was with him and not some random guy I'll regret giving my kissing virginity to. We have grown up together mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm just so proud of him and his accomplishments. For 8 years, we have managed to hang around the same people in high school, date in high school, gone to the same college, have the same friends in college, worked at two different places together in college, and live next door to eachother in college. Now I get to watch him walk and accept his diploma on Saturday, and I assure you, the tears will be flowing. I love you Bob!
That's in my mind right now.