she just wanders around, unaffected by it all
it's always different. i have no positivity surrounding me. all those who were once a positive force in my life, with the exclusion of parental figure, have now been removed with tension or are drifting away without a care. i'm drowning in a tub of negativity and insecurity; a tub that's experienced it's lows in levels of insecurity and it's current height. i can't say i'm insecure; i can, however, state that i go through moments or events where i am made to feel such a way, where i am, with tricky and precise measures, made to appear in such a way. left in confusion, i know it's not who i am. i know i'm not unintelligent or unworthy or uncaring or selfish but reactionary figures in my life show a different picture, create a different picture with slight tactical measures that they view as 'no big deal.' things are turned around. 280 degrees. i'm inclined to believe their hits are due to their own insecurities. no one sees these hits except for i. to the world, they appear normal, as if i'm surrounded in a bubble of sensitivity and vulnerability amist a crowd of numb cacti, formidable to any outside forces. i shrink in size. my worth is questioned. those whom appeared to care become empty figures, as i'm left alone. i wonder how i ever carried along with such naive dreams as to their dedication. how could i possibly be so quick to accept and forget. to prance along as if things never occured, brushing them under the dusty rug in the corner of my mind, the attic of my mind. and i'm surprised, time and time again, as if each time i promise myself these figures won't commit such a travesty again; i let myself down. they help me let myself down. gently. of course not. it's me with everyone wrong, oh it has to be or so they think. in the end, i'll be the one with the iminating positivity, the kind only gained from within, the kind you can't fake, the kind only uncovered after pain has buried it like a pirate ship beneath the atlantic. your's is false, it's weak, it's loose, it's unkempt, it's temporary, it's not your's. it never belonged to you. you borrowed it from another, you sucked it from another being, you fed yourself from that very being in your own self interest. you enjoyed every second you were made to feel better. made to feel more worthy, more creative, more important. you were wrong; you've been fooled. only fools rush in, they say. you rushed; you ran as fast as a speeding train. your loss. learn fast. you're nosediving. faster. faster. faster. you're down.
i feel better, already.
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lmfao... trillville is so coming to the martin county fairgrounds this saturday and i am so there; anyone want to go? "open to the public"
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