good times cruise... not so good without my camel...
I am feeling terribly down again today. After my last post, I was irate because of an email Mineh sent and then angry with myself that I’d been sad over everything and wanted to take my post down…. But now I’m sad all over again.
I had dinner with Lindsey last night and between the two of us we went through two pitchers of margaritas! We were there for a while… but I felt satisfyingly apathetic last night. I wish I always felt that way. I’m terribly lonely and sad today. After a very emotional (and heated, on my part) thread of emails back and forth between me and Mineh over the course of all day Tuesday and Wednesday morning, he has finally stopped contacting me. No calls, no texts, no emails.
It hurts.
Why? Why does it hurt? I told him to stop contacting me. He was hurting me by what he was saying and I told him to stop hurting me - stop contacting me.
But now that he has stopped, that hurts too.
WTF.
I hate this situation. There is an event that the Cleveland Clinic graduate students were all invited to on August 16th. I have available to me, if I choose to pick them up, two free tickets for the event. It’s a dinner/dance cruise that Mineh and I have tried on 3 different failed occasions, now, to go on. I want to go, but not alone - not with anyone but him. But if I see him… what will my dad do? What will it do to me? To Mineh? It would only be bad all around, right? Damn it.
I want to listen to my book. I want to sleep. I want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My brain is on overload. I feel like I’m not smart enough to be here. I miss Mineh. I miss him holding me and supporting me and making me happy. I know I’m only glorifying the relationship… I should focus on the bad things that I no longer have to deal with.
The thing is, though, there are negatives either way. Seems like it’s worse without him, though…
My stomach is upset again like it was 7 weeks ago - I’m not gaining any of the weight back that I lost those initial two weeks (not that I want to, but I’m starting to feel a bit unhealthy).
I wish I was only angry with him and hated him and couldn’t forgive him. But I’m hurt more than anything. And the pain I feel makes me want to run to him to fix it. In general when I felt bad about something, he made it better. This is about the worst I’ve felt… he’s supposed to make it better… and he’s the one person that can’t……
I had dinner with Lindsey last night and between the two of us we went through two pitchers of margaritas! We were there for a while… but I felt satisfyingly apathetic last night. I wish I always felt that way. I’m terribly lonely and sad today. After a very emotional (and heated, on my part) thread of emails back and forth between me and Mineh over the course of all day Tuesday and Wednesday morning, he has finally stopped contacting me. No calls, no texts, no emails.
It hurts.
Why? Why does it hurt? I told him to stop contacting me. He was hurting me by what he was saying and I told him to stop hurting me - stop contacting me.
But now that he has stopped, that hurts too.
WTF.
I hate this situation. There is an event that the Cleveland Clinic graduate students were all invited to on August 16th. I have available to me, if I choose to pick them up, two free tickets for the event. It’s a dinner/dance cruise that Mineh and I have tried on 3 different failed occasions, now, to go on. I want to go, but not alone - not with anyone but him. But if I see him… what will my dad do? What will it do to me? To Mineh? It would only be bad all around, right? Damn it.
I want to listen to my book. I want to sleep. I want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My brain is on overload. I feel like I’m not smart enough to be here. I miss Mineh. I miss him holding me and supporting me and making me happy. I know I’m only glorifying the relationship… I should focus on the bad things that I no longer have to deal with.
The thing is, though, there are negatives either way. Seems like it’s worse without him, though…
My stomach is upset again like it was 7 weeks ago - I’m not gaining any of the weight back that I lost those initial two weeks (not that I want to, but I’m starting to feel a bit unhealthy).
I wish I was only angry with him and hated him and couldn’t forgive him. But I’m hurt more than anything. And the pain I feel makes me want to run to him to fix it. In general when I felt bad about something, he made it better. This is about the worst I’ve felt… he’s supposed to make it better… and he’s the one person that can’t……