Scene for Evening of Scenes
Right, I'm doing this partly for memorization, and partly to keep it with me since I've already lost the original script. :p Edna is a bit of a dumb blonde (with some inherent sarcasm), whereas Mel is very sarcastic. At the time this happens, Mel has just gotten fired from his job and hasn't told Edna. The family is very dysfunctional, but they still love each other. And Edna's not quite so dumb as she seems, after Mel loses his job, she's the one that gets another job since he's moping around so much.
I'm Edna, Brandon is Mel. *blocking* blocking is movement across the stage at any given moment.
DS= downstage, moving towards the audience
US= upstage, moving away from audience
SL= stage left, moving left on the stage
SR= stage right, moving right on the stage
DSC = downstage center
USC = upstage center
DSL = downstage left
DSR = downstage right
*Pink Panther starts playing, Robbers sneak in cartoon style. Music stops, robbers hide when hear footsteps. Edna walks in whistling from shopping, freezes at sight of house ransacked. Doesn't notice robbers lurking, robbers stay onstage whole time without being seen, stealing things periodically*
E: Ohhh NO! What am I going to do? *moves US to sit on couch, then crosses DSL too restless to sit still*
M: *comes in, throws briefcase down, sits on couch and sighs loudly*
E: *looks up* Mel? Is that you?
M: Didn't Mildred come in to clean today? *spreads out on couch*
E: Not today, Monday's and Thursdays. *knocks Mel's feet off and sits down*
M: *cringes at her voice, think Family Guy* What happened here? Why's this place such a mess?
E: We've been robbed.
M. What do you mean, robbed?
E: Robbed ROBBED! What does robbed mean? They come in, they take things out!! They Robbed us!!
M: I don't understand, someone just... walked in and robbed us?
E: No...they called up and made and appointment. We've been robbed!!
M: All right Edna, calm down, I'm just going to ask you a question. What happened, what did they take?
E: I don't know yet, I was out shopping. I was gone five minutes, I came back, and I found it like this.
M: You couldn't have been gone only five minutes, look at this place...
E: Five minutes that's ALL I was gone.
M: Five minutes eh, then we'd better call the FBI because every crook in New York is in this building.
E: *nods emphatically, believing every word* Well then that's who's here because I was only gone five minutes!
M: *rolls eyes, isn't really listening to a word she says* Okay, well, when you entered the building did you notice anyone suspicious looking?
E: *ponders* Everyone in this building is suspicious looking.
M: *sigh* did you notice anyone carrying any bundles or packages?
E: I didn't notice
M: What do you mean, you didn't notice?
E: I DIDN'T notice... you think I look for people leaving the building with my television set?
M: *sits up, finally listening* They took the television? A brand new color television?
E: Well, they weren't looking for 1948 Philcos, it was here, they took it, it's gone, I CAN'T GET A BREATH OUT!!!
M: All right, calm down, let me get you a drink.
E: I don't want a drink.
M: some Scotch, it'll calm you down. *gets up and walks SR*
E: *smirks* It won't calm me down... because there's no Scotch. They took the Scotch too.
M: *stops midwalk* All the scotch?
E: ALL the scotch.
M: *turns slowly to look at her* And the Chivas Regal?
E: *exasperated* No, they'd take the cheap scotch and leave the Chivas REgal. They took it all! They cleaned us out!
M: Sons of bitches. Sons of BITCHES! *turns to Edna* All in five minutes eh, they must have been gorillas to lift all that in five minutes.
E: *glares* Leave. Me. Alone.
M: SONS of BITCHES!
E: Stop swearing. The police will be here any minute *looks proud* I just called them.
M: *stares, incredulous* YOU called the police?
E: Didn't I just say that?
M: *Sarcastically* Did you tell them we'd been robbed?
E: What else would I tell them? I'm not friendly with the police, what kind of questions are you asking me? What's wrong with you?
M: All right edna, calm down, because you're hysterical.
E: *bolt up from couch, walk DS* I am NOT hysterical.
M: You're being hysterical -
E: You're MAKING me hysterical, don't you understand? My house has just been robbed!
M: And what am I? A boarder? My house has been robbed too! My color television and my Chivas Regal are missing just the same as yours.
E: *pout* Yeah, but you didn't walk in and find it. I did.
M: What's the difference who walked in and found it? There's still nothing to drink and nothing to watch!
E: Don't yell at me, I'm just as upset as you are!!
M: *cross DS and take Edna's hand, lead her back to couch* It's alright Edna, I'm sorry, I'm excited to. Here, let me get you a Valium.
E: *trying to conceal fact that there ARE no Valiums* I don't want a Valium.
M: Take one ,you'll feel better.
E: I'm not taking a Valium
M: Why are you so stubborn?
E: I'm not being stubborn. There are no Valiums. They took the Valiums.
M: They took... the Valiums? *rage slowly sinking in*
E: The whole medicine chest, Valiums, seconals, aspirin, shaving cream, toothpaste, razor blades. They left your toothbrush, if you want to brush your teeth you can still do it.
M: I don't believe you. *smiles, disbelieving* I don't believe you. *looks offstage to bathroom* DIRTY BASTARDS!!!! I hope they DIE! I hope the car they STOLE to get away in hits a tree, turns over, burns up, and they all DIE!
E: *looks a bit startled at explosion, but rubs his back tentatively, leading him to chair* You read about it every day, but when it happens to you, you don't believe it.
M: Liquor, I can understand. A television I can understand. But shaving cream, toothpaste? I mean... how much are they going to get for a roll of dental floss?
E: *shakes head* They must have been desperate, they took everything they could carry. *scans room, spots book on floor, gasps angrily* They even found my kitchen money!! *grabs book*
M: What kitchen money?
E: I kept my kitchen money in here! *looks proud* Eighty five dollars. *leafs through pages, searching for any leftovers*
M: In cash? *totally clueless, thinks wife stupid* Why do you keep cash in a BOOK?
E: So no one will find it. Where else am I going to keep it?
M: In a jar. In the sugar. Someplace they're not going to look.
E: *stares at Mel* They looked in the medicine chest, do you honestly think they're not going to look in the sugar?
M: NOBODY LOOKS IN SUGAR!!
E: NOBODY steals dental floss and mouthwash! *slam book down, stand up and cross DS* Only sick people. *revelation* only that's who live in the world today. Sick Sick Sick people!
M: *cross DS next to her, comforts totally sarcastically, E doesn't notice, thinks it's sweet* It's alright Edna, as long as you weren't hurt. That's the important thing.
E: Can you imagine what would have happened if I had walked in and found them? What would I have done Mel?
M: You were lucky Edna, very lucky. *sit back down on couch*
E: But...what would I have done?
M: What's the difference, it didn't happen did it?
E: No..but supposing it did, what would I have done?
M: *rolls eyes, gives up* You'd say excuse me, shut the door and come back later. You'd sit and watch? I dunno. Why do you ask me these questions? It didn't happen did it?
E: *coyly* No....but it almost did, if I had come back five minutes sooner.
M: *doesn't notice attempt at flirting, crosses over to door* The lock's not broken, it's not jimmied. I don't even know how they got in here.
E: *ponders, then revelation, proudly* Maybe they found my key in the street!
M: *pauses, holds back frustration* What do you mean, found your key. *condescendingly* You have your key, don't you Edna?
E: *bounces up from couch cheerfully, has solved the crime, crosses DSC* No, I lost it. I thought I lost it in the house, but.. maybe I lost it in the street.
M: *Restraining himself barely* If you didn't have your key, how were you going to get back in the house.
E: *as if it's obvious* I left the door open.
M: *can't believe it* You - left - the - door - open?
E: *throws words back at him* I didn't have my key, how was I going to get back in the house?
M: So you left the door open, in the city with the highest crime rate in the history of the world... you left the door open.
*End of Pink Panther does Duh duh dun... type thing, then close curtain*
*Applause resounds wildly throughout the theatre, roses plop up onstage* :p J/k
I'm Edna, Brandon is Mel. *blocking* blocking is movement across the stage at any given moment.
DS= downstage, moving towards the audience
US= upstage, moving away from audience
SL= stage left, moving left on the stage
SR= stage right, moving right on the stage
DSC = downstage center
USC = upstage center
DSL = downstage left
DSR = downstage right
*Pink Panther starts playing, Robbers sneak in cartoon style. Music stops, robbers hide when hear footsteps. Edna walks in whistling from shopping, freezes at sight of house ransacked. Doesn't notice robbers lurking, robbers stay onstage whole time without being seen, stealing things periodically*
E: Ohhh NO! What am I going to do? *moves US to sit on couch, then crosses DSL too restless to sit still*
M: *comes in, throws briefcase down, sits on couch and sighs loudly*
E: *looks up* Mel? Is that you?
M: Didn't Mildred come in to clean today? *spreads out on couch*
E: Not today, Monday's and Thursdays. *knocks Mel's feet off and sits down*
M: *cringes at her voice, think Family Guy* What happened here? Why's this place such a mess?
E: We've been robbed.
M. What do you mean, robbed?
E: Robbed ROBBED! What does robbed mean? They come in, they take things out!! They Robbed us!!
M: I don't understand, someone just... walked in and robbed us?
E: No...they called up and made and appointment. We've been robbed!!
M: All right Edna, calm down, I'm just going to ask you a question. What happened, what did they take?
E: I don't know yet, I was out shopping. I was gone five minutes, I came back, and I found it like this.
M: You couldn't have been gone only five minutes, look at this place...
E: Five minutes that's ALL I was gone.
M: Five minutes eh, then we'd better call the FBI because every crook in New York is in this building.
E: *nods emphatically, believing every word* Well then that's who's here because I was only gone five minutes!
M: *rolls eyes, isn't really listening to a word she says* Okay, well, when you entered the building did you notice anyone suspicious looking?
E: *ponders* Everyone in this building is suspicious looking.
M: *sigh* did you notice anyone carrying any bundles or packages?
E: I didn't notice
M: What do you mean, you didn't notice?
E: I DIDN'T notice... you think I look for people leaving the building with my television set?
M: *sits up, finally listening* They took the television? A brand new color television?
E: Well, they weren't looking for 1948 Philcos, it was here, they took it, it's gone, I CAN'T GET A BREATH OUT!!!
M: All right, calm down, let me get you a drink.
E: I don't want a drink.
M: some Scotch, it'll calm you down. *gets up and walks SR*
E: *smirks* It won't calm me down... because there's no Scotch. They took the Scotch too.
M: *stops midwalk* All the scotch?
E: ALL the scotch.
M: *turns slowly to look at her* And the Chivas Regal?
E: *exasperated* No, they'd take the cheap scotch and leave the Chivas REgal. They took it all! They cleaned us out!
M: Sons of bitches. Sons of BITCHES! *turns to Edna* All in five minutes eh, they must have been gorillas to lift all that in five minutes.
E: *glares* Leave. Me. Alone.
M: SONS of BITCHES!
E: Stop swearing. The police will be here any minute *looks proud* I just called them.
M: *stares, incredulous* YOU called the police?
E: Didn't I just say that?
M: *Sarcastically* Did you tell them we'd been robbed?
E: What else would I tell them? I'm not friendly with the police, what kind of questions are you asking me? What's wrong with you?
M: All right edna, calm down, because you're hysterical.
E: *bolt up from couch, walk DS* I am NOT hysterical.
M: You're being hysterical -
E: You're MAKING me hysterical, don't you understand? My house has just been robbed!
M: And what am I? A boarder? My house has been robbed too! My color television and my Chivas Regal are missing just the same as yours.
E: *pout* Yeah, but you didn't walk in and find it. I did.
M: What's the difference who walked in and found it? There's still nothing to drink and nothing to watch!
E: Don't yell at me, I'm just as upset as you are!!
M: *cross DS and take Edna's hand, lead her back to couch* It's alright Edna, I'm sorry, I'm excited to. Here, let me get you a Valium.
E: *trying to conceal fact that there ARE no Valiums* I don't want a Valium.
M: Take one ,you'll feel better.
E: I'm not taking a Valium
M: Why are you so stubborn?
E: I'm not being stubborn. There are no Valiums. They took the Valiums.
M: They took... the Valiums? *rage slowly sinking in*
E: The whole medicine chest, Valiums, seconals, aspirin, shaving cream, toothpaste, razor blades. They left your toothbrush, if you want to brush your teeth you can still do it.
M: I don't believe you. *smiles, disbelieving* I don't believe you. *looks offstage to bathroom* DIRTY BASTARDS!!!! I hope they DIE! I hope the car they STOLE to get away in hits a tree, turns over, burns up, and they all DIE!
E: *looks a bit startled at explosion, but rubs his back tentatively, leading him to chair* You read about it every day, but when it happens to you, you don't believe it.
M: Liquor, I can understand. A television I can understand. But shaving cream, toothpaste? I mean... how much are they going to get for a roll of dental floss?
E: *shakes head* They must have been desperate, they took everything they could carry. *scans room, spots book on floor, gasps angrily* They even found my kitchen money!! *grabs book*
M: What kitchen money?
E: I kept my kitchen money in here! *looks proud* Eighty five dollars. *leafs through pages, searching for any leftovers*
M: In cash? *totally clueless, thinks wife stupid* Why do you keep cash in a BOOK?
E: So no one will find it. Where else am I going to keep it?
M: In a jar. In the sugar. Someplace they're not going to look.
E: *stares at Mel* They looked in the medicine chest, do you honestly think they're not going to look in the sugar?
M: NOBODY LOOKS IN SUGAR!!
E: NOBODY steals dental floss and mouthwash! *slam book down, stand up and cross DS* Only sick people. *revelation* only that's who live in the world today. Sick Sick Sick people!
M: *cross DS next to her, comforts totally sarcastically, E doesn't notice, thinks it's sweet* It's alright Edna, as long as you weren't hurt. That's the important thing.
E: Can you imagine what would have happened if I had walked in and found them? What would I have done Mel?
M: You were lucky Edna, very lucky. *sit back down on couch*
E: But...what would I have done?
M: What's the difference, it didn't happen did it?
E: No..but supposing it did, what would I have done?
M: *rolls eyes, gives up* You'd say excuse me, shut the door and come back later. You'd sit and watch? I dunno. Why do you ask me these questions? It didn't happen did it?
E: *coyly* No....but it almost did, if I had come back five minutes sooner.
M: *doesn't notice attempt at flirting, crosses over to door* The lock's not broken, it's not jimmied. I don't even know how they got in here.
E: *ponders, then revelation, proudly* Maybe they found my key in the street!
M: *pauses, holds back frustration* What do you mean, found your key. *condescendingly* You have your key, don't you Edna?
E: *bounces up from couch cheerfully, has solved the crime, crosses DSC* No, I lost it. I thought I lost it in the house, but.. maybe I lost it in the street.
M: *Restraining himself barely* If you didn't have your key, how were you going to get back in the house.
E: *as if it's obvious* I left the door open.
M: *can't believe it* You - left - the - door - open?
E: *throws words back at him* I didn't have my key, how was I going to get back in the house?
M: So you left the door open, in the city with the highest crime rate in the history of the world... you left the door open.
*End of Pink Panther does Duh duh dun... type thing, then close curtain*
*Applause resounds wildly throughout the theatre, roses plop up onstage* :p J/k