The first year
First: Hi, Joan!
I approached grieving during the first year without Bob as I do anything that I know is important while it is happening--slow and steady. I have now been through an entire year of firsts. The first ______ alone. I could not figure out why I kept forgetting the car registration. Finally after the anniversary of Bob's death, I realized it had been the last chore he had done. It was the last one to absorb from his annual to do list into mine. This first year I concentrated on not running from the reality of death and building an enlarged circle of friends. I've learned to let go and I've learned to embrace.
In the first year I was often in a fog. And when I was present in the moment, each moment was like an unstrung pearl. While we grieve those who have been so much a part of our everyday lives and identity what we are doing is reorganizing our sense of who we are. Moving our loved one from the present to the past. It takes a lot of energy and I didn't have enough left to string the pearls of moments into a connected whole. I took some time in the last couple of weeks to start stringing this past year together.
I've let go, now I need to start looking towards what I will build my self into. The 'letting go' of grief is not like shoving to the side, it is integrating into a different layer, a different meaning. Bob is and will always be a part of me. But he isn't my 'now'. While in that fog of grief, my now grew very messy. Now I have a lot of work to do to start sorting out the disorganized mess I woke from that first year to find myself in the midst of. I could turn the computer around and take a picture, but I'm not going to.
I approached grieving during the first year without Bob as I do anything that I know is important while it is happening--slow and steady. I have now been through an entire year of firsts. The first ______ alone. I could not figure out why I kept forgetting the car registration. Finally after the anniversary of Bob's death, I realized it had been the last chore he had done. It was the last one to absorb from his annual to do list into mine. This first year I concentrated on not running from the reality of death and building an enlarged circle of friends. I've learned to let go and I've learned to embrace.
In the first year I was often in a fog. And when I was present in the moment, each moment was like an unstrung pearl. While we grieve those who have been so much a part of our everyday lives and identity what we are doing is reorganizing our sense of who we are. Moving our loved one from the present to the past. It takes a lot of energy and I didn't have enough left to string the pearls of moments into a connected whole. I took some time in the last couple of weeks to start stringing this past year together.
I've let go, now I need to start looking towards what I will build my self into. The 'letting go' of grief is not like shoving to the side, it is integrating into a different layer, a different meaning. Bob is and will always be a part of me. But he isn't my 'now'. While in that fog of grief, my now grew very messy. Now I have a lot of work to do to start sorting out the disorganized mess I woke from that first year to find myself in the midst of. I could turn the computer around and take a picture, but I'm not going to.