Mortality and immortality, smothered in gravy
Laura: Let's talk for a moment about moody people with dead family members.
Sheryl: okay
Laura: I've never had anyone REALLY close to me die, and I'm pretty sure you haven't, either.
Is that fair to say?
Sheryl: that's fair
Laura: My dog died, and I was a fucking wreck, but that's about as close as I can come to understanding what they're experiencing.
Sheryl: i remember that. that was hard on me too. but big lots noticed how upset i was and sent me home (without pay)
Laura: So.
Let me continue with the example that is currently generating this conversation.
My coworker is 26 years old.
Six years ago, when her sister was 32, she got some weird blood clot and died.
It was very sudden, and very unusual.
Kind of like John Ritter. She was fine one minute, and then dead the next.
Total bummer. I get it.
Sheryl: i've heard that about blood clots
Laura: Today would have been her sister's birthday.
Because her sister is dead, my coworker seizes this opportunity to be a mopey, lackluster bitch to everyone.
Because her sister has been dead for six years.
Sheryl: she'll do that again on the anniversary of her sister's death
Laura: yeah, I had a feeling.
Laura: An acquaintance of mine had a brother who drowned several years ago, too, on July 3rd. She mentioned to me in an odd manor that every year on July 3rd, she's a fucking wreck, because it's the anniversary of his death.
How long is a person supposed to milk this type of an event?
Sheryl: it could be extra traumatic for these two as the deceased died early and unnaturally
Laura: At what point to you come to terms with the fact that, just like every other day of the year, your family member is dead and nothing has changed?
She was fine yesterday. I would bet she'll be fine tomorrow.
Sheryl: i don't know, i would think 3-5 years
anniversaries can be rougher than any given day
Laura: My acquaintance requests the day off from work every year. I respect that.
If you know you're going to be a bitch, and there's NOTHING I can do to make you not be a bitch, just fucking stay home.
Sheryl: as long as she uses one her accrued vacation days or sick days
Laura: If I die unexpectedly, it's really important to me that you not be a bitch to everyone twice a year, every year, for five years.
You MAYBE get the first year as a free pass.
Because, as a person who never knew my coworker's sister, she's not doing a whole lot to honor her memory. Right now, I don't like her sister very much.
I might get haunted for saying that, but I'm not sorry.
Sheryl: For your death, I will have a PBR in your honor
and maybe, MAYBE! have a vegetarian meal in your honor
Laura: Whatever. You should convert to vegetarianism when I die.
Somebody has to save the cows. It can be my legacy.
I'm putting it in my will.
Sheryl: i hope i go first
Laura: I'm not eating a pizza when you die.
But I will eat chocolate every year and tell some tales of your worldly adventures.
Sheryl: thanks. i appreciate the lack of sentiment
Laura: Make up some new worldly adventures.
RAPE A KANGAROO!!
Or something similar to that guy from the Da Vinci Code.
But with less guns.
I want some good stories, but don't let the adventures be the reason why you're dead.
Sheryl: BUT!!! I want this documented: If I die by being rolled over by a whale in the Pacific Ocean, I want it to say on my gravestone/memorial plaque "Smothered by whale"
Laura:Only under those circumstances?
Sheryl: if i come up with something else, i'll let you know
Laura: If you get hit by a bus, may I engrave it with, "smothered by a bus?"
If you die of cardio vascular disease, may I engrave, "smothered with gravy?"
Sheryl: no, just the whale thing unless I tell you otherwise
Laura: If you die of gunshot wounds, may I write, "Shot in the back by Buford Tannen over a matter of $80?"
Sheryl: no
Laura: Sheryl, not everyone is lucky enough to be born the sister of a poet.
I suggest you embrace this advantage.
Sheryl: i think you plagurized
Laura: Okay, just the whale thing. But I get creative control over your memorial service.
Sheryl: who will i be to stop you?
Laura: Only my dignity can stop me, and I've beaten it into submission for 29 years.
I will conduct a sing-a-long of Hey Jude for all mourners attending.
Actually, I'm going to do that right now, for me, alone in this office.
pip pip, yo.
Sheryl: okay
Laura: I've never had anyone REALLY close to me die, and I'm pretty sure you haven't, either.
Is that fair to say?
Sheryl: that's fair
Laura: My dog died, and I was a fucking wreck, but that's about as close as I can come to understanding what they're experiencing.
Sheryl: i remember that. that was hard on me too. but big lots noticed how upset i was and sent me home (without pay)
Laura: So.
Let me continue with the example that is currently generating this conversation.
My coworker is 26 years old.
Six years ago, when her sister was 32, she got some weird blood clot and died.
It was very sudden, and very unusual.
Kind of like John Ritter. She was fine one minute, and then dead the next.
Total bummer. I get it.
Sheryl: i've heard that about blood clots
Laura: Today would have been her sister's birthday.
Because her sister is dead, my coworker seizes this opportunity to be a mopey, lackluster bitch to everyone.
Because her sister has been dead for six years.
Sheryl: she'll do that again on the anniversary of her sister's death
Laura: yeah, I had a feeling.
Laura: An acquaintance of mine had a brother who drowned several years ago, too, on July 3rd. She mentioned to me in an odd manor that every year on July 3rd, she's a fucking wreck, because it's the anniversary of his death.
How long is a person supposed to milk this type of an event?
Sheryl: it could be extra traumatic for these two as the deceased died early and unnaturally
Laura: At what point to you come to terms with the fact that, just like every other day of the year, your family member is dead and nothing has changed?
She was fine yesterday. I would bet she'll be fine tomorrow.
Sheryl: i don't know, i would think 3-5 years
anniversaries can be rougher than any given day
Laura: My acquaintance requests the day off from work every year. I respect that.
If you know you're going to be a bitch, and there's NOTHING I can do to make you not be a bitch, just fucking stay home.
Sheryl: as long as she uses one her accrued vacation days or sick days
Laura: If I die unexpectedly, it's really important to me that you not be a bitch to everyone twice a year, every year, for five years.
You MAYBE get the first year as a free pass.
Because, as a person who never knew my coworker's sister, she's not doing a whole lot to honor her memory. Right now, I don't like her sister very much.
I might get haunted for saying that, but I'm not sorry.
Sheryl: For your death, I will have a PBR in your honor
and maybe, MAYBE! have a vegetarian meal in your honor
Laura: Whatever. You should convert to vegetarianism when I die.
Somebody has to save the cows. It can be my legacy.
I'm putting it in my will.
Sheryl: i hope i go first
Laura: I'm not eating a pizza when you die.
But I will eat chocolate every year and tell some tales of your worldly adventures.
Sheryl: thanks. i appreciate the lack of sentiment
Laura: Make up some new worldly adventures.
RAPE A KANGAROO!!
Or something similar to that guy from the Da Vinci Code.
But with less guns.
I want some good stories, but don't let the adventures be the reason why you're dead.
Sheryl: BUT!!! I want this documented: If I die by being rolled over by a whale in the Pacific Ocean, I want it to say on my gravestone/memorial plaque "Smothered by whale"
Laura:Only under those circumstances?
Sheryl: if i come up with something else, i'll let you know
Laura: If you get hit by a bus, may I engrave it with, "smothered by a bus?"
If you die of cardio vascular disease, may I engrave, "smothered with gravy?"
Sheryl: no, just the whale thing unless I tell you otherwise
Laura: If you die of gunshot wounds, may I write, "Shot in the back by Buford Tannen over a matter of $80?"
Sheryl: no
Laura: Sheryl, not everyone is lucky enough to be born the sister of a poet.
I suggest you embrace this advantage.
Sheryl: i think you plagurized
Laura: Okay, just the whale thing. But I get creative control over your memorial service.
Sheryl: who will i be to stop you?
Laura: Only my dignity can stop me, and I've beaten it into submission for 29 years.
I will conduct a sing-a-long of Hey Jude for all mourners attending.
Actually, I'm going to do that right now, for me, alone in this office.
pip pip, yo.