aftermath
i push down on that volume button so hard blaring the music louder and louder through my headphones until i can scream with them. and it's the only thing i can hear. music screaming in my ear so loud i'm hoping it gets all the way through to my brain so it make me think about the song instead of what i am thinking about. but the song just reminds me more of what i'm thinking about it. it is actually helping getting my frustrations out. i have so much shit inside of me builted up. that i didn't know how to let out. this song and playlist is helping me let it all out. which is good, because i felt like i was gonna explode at any minute. all these songs remind of death, which is what i'm dealing with. i really feel in limbo, because she is gone and it's still a day or two until the funeral. but i do have this feeling that she is looking down at us and looking after us. it's been raining like non stop since she passed. which mimics how i feel, crappy with tears falling like hail. i like that it is raining. it feels like God stopped and is morning with my family. before this happened i swore to myself that i would be pissed off at God and even not believe in him if this happend. but the only thing keeping me the closest thing to sane is thinking that my mom is now in heaven and in no pain anymore. so in order for me to believe in a heaven that means i have to believe in God. so i still believe in him, i'm just not talking to him right now.