F-ing September
Out of warning this journal is very personal, pretty depressing, and just kind of blargh. If you have any advice I sure would appreciate it, but really I just needed to blow off some steam.
If you want, just scroll down to the art at the end. There are pretties down there.
So, September.
This has historically been a bad month for my family. My brother and I look forward to it the same way we look forward to dentists visits, no little dread, and the feeling you are going to come out of it worse for the wear rather than better. September takes. It took my grandmother, our family dog, many a pet, and my grandfather. Among other things. It was always the month when the best relationships turned south.
I know it sounds crazy and superstitious or whatever, but in our family, September is never good.
And this year it decided to throw a few doozies in.
It came a bit early this year, as my parent's split up at the end of August. The depression and true realization set in around the beginning of the month and I got put on anti-depressents a week in. My mother told me I didn't have a right to talk to her and my dad about how I felt because it was none of my business. Thanks for that mom, you keep asking me to watch your farm, you are both bitching to me, and somehow it's none of my business. Right.
Then on the way to what was supposed to be a de-stressing vacation with my boyfriend of 2.5 years he threw a huge stick in the cogs and gears that run my life.
As a pre-req to this - I start every relationship with "I DO NOT WANT KIDS" that vehemently. Seriously. Why waste both of our time, and don't try and push them on me and tell me they are cute. I admit I may change my mind, my mom never wanted them until she was thirty something, but I tell them all of this up front.
So he has been going through a lot of transitions and he may have changed his mind. And I know, better to know now than if we were to get married. But he still isn't sure, maybe he wants them, but maybe I will be enough, maybe he won't need them. But he wants the option open. Seriously? What does that even freaking mean? I think it means that we will try but... I just don't know.
Add to that he never wants to get married again, which I kind of get, but I always figured that if I loved someone enough and we wanted to be together we would get married. Not soon, by no means have I pushed this. Honestly I wouldn't even want an engagement until probably well after 3 years. AND I am not the person that wants a big white wedding and all the flounce. I want a party where I can wear a fun dress, a laid back minister who is nondenominational who can say "you guys promise to stay together, and love and cherish one another, Awesome". I will add that he knows that he is the first person that I have even been able to talk to about marriage without freaking out and suffering crazy commitmentphobia and running away, and he always said he was cool with it.
And he may not want to leave Texas.
And I can't stand it here.
It definitely contributes to my depression. I do not handle the heat well, and miss the mountains horribly. Again, told him this when we started dating. HE is the only reason I am still here, I told him I would wait until he got out of debt so that we could go together. And now he may not want to leave his job. He definitely won't want to leave until after next summer, and I am so tired of being here it hurts. He told me maybe he'd change his mind, and maybe it would just take my leaving to get him the stimulation he needs to follow. Maybe he just needs the incentive, because right now he doesn't have it. So should I just leave then? That is kind of where I am at now.
And he put all this on me on the way to what was supposed to be a de-stressing vacation - along with a few other more personal, less life altering complaints. So instead of de-stressing all weekend what did I do? I worried. And fretted. And sure was glad I was already on the anti-depressants.
And now he seems confused that I am withdrawn and trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do. What did he expect?
The final thing to add to the sheer awfulness that is this month is my dad's aunt. I have always called her aunt, but I don't know what the official title of that is. Anyhow, she was diagnosed with Leukemia a few years ago, and has been fighting it. At the beginning of the month she was knocked over by a large dog and shattered her ankle. While going through physical therapy she contracted pneumonia and it doesn't look good. My dad flew up to see her this yesterday.
I would sincerely like this month to be over. It nearly is but GodDAMMIT. I am over this crap. And if you have suggestions/advice on dealing with parents going through a divorce and/or what the hell to do about my boyfriend I am all ears, right now I am so frazzled I can't think straight, which is NOT a healthy way to make decisions about anything. Oh yeah. And the fact that this quarter business expenses/costs broke even - i.e. I made no profit this quarter, before personal expenses. Yeah, that isn't helping my stress levels. But that at least, I expect to get better soon, so I won't rail on it.
Ehm... on a happier note, here have art. As always, it's all for sale and prints are available
