The Onion
SCIENTISTS WARN: Autumn Will Kill Us All
Scientists across the Northern Hemisphere have declared that the coming fall season will leave no possibility of escape for the whole of humanity. Doctor Jerome Adler told reporters gathered at the UN that, when the first leaf drops, people will be left with no other option, but sustained panic:
"Days will become shorter. Grass will die. Leaves on the trees will turn the bright yellow of the fiery sun. We are all doomed."
Adler plans to celebrate Thanksgiving next week instead of late November, and to poison the stuffing in order to spare his family from a slow, agonizing death.
Scientists across the Northern Hemisphere have declared that the coming fall season will leave no possibility of escape for the whole of humanity. Doctor Jerome Adler told reporters gathered at the UN that, when the first leaf drops, people will be left with no other option, but sustained panic:
"Days will become shorter. Grass will die. Leaves on the trees will turn the bright yellow of the fiery sun. We are all doomed."
Adler plans to celebrate Thanksgiving next week instead of late November, and to poison the stuffing in order to spare his family from a slow, agonizing death.