take this life and make it something more.
today was a good day. i learned a lot. i felt a lot. i did a lot. i also worked a lot.
i somehow learn so much on my walks home. i am not sure why. maybe it is the one time during the day that i kinda just let life happen...i don't stand in its way.
i found about 75 books on the sidewalk that are really pretty and i carried six of them home. they were heavy but for some reason i really like them. no reason why.
on my way home there is a certain intersection at city hall where this one homeless man in a wheelchair wheels around all the time in the late evenings. he is mentally handicapped and has all these cute little stuffed animals on his wheelchair. i always see him and walk by and he always makes me smile, sometimes in a sad way. but i usually just walk by.
tonight i stopped. i couldn't take it. i watched from a few feet away as he wheeled between the stopped cars and then when the light turned green he stopped by the sidewalk and his head fell to his chest and something inside of me broke. i pulled two dollars out of my purse and with my new found books walked over to where he was and set them inside a container he had in his lap.
i set them in and turned to walk away and he look up and into my face and simply said "thank you."
in that instant i saw him so differently--i looked at him and all that came out of my mouth was, "you're welcome"
but that isn't what i really wanted to say. i wanted to say so much more.
i wanted to say: i'm sorry. "i'm sorry that all i can give you is two dollars. a human life is worth so much more than the two dollars from my purse. i want to give you so much more--take my dignity, take my respect, take my love. take it all. i don't want to give you two dollars, i gave it to you because that is all i have. what i really want to give you is what i can't carry in this worthless purse of mine."
but all that came out as i looked into his face was "you're welcome." and i walked away.
and i walked away frustrated, broken, maybe even angry. i don't understand. maybe i never will. no human life deserves to be treated that way. why am i so lucky? what is my purpose to have been given so much?
i walked down past city hall broken, clinging to the books, and pushing back sobs that griped me in so many ways. i just feel so worthless. i have a hard time understanding grace. i wish i could be like that man in so many ways. i wish i could strip myself of all that i surround myself with: my pride, my intelligence, my status, my gifts, every barrier that i put up to seperate myself from other people--to set myself apart as if i am something better. i want to have the begger spirit, the ability to strip myself raw and just allow myself to be and allow others to teach me and allow God to fill me instead of always pretending i am better than this. instead of always pretending.
i somehow learn so much on my walks home. i am not sure why. maybe it is the one time during the day that i kinda just let life happen...i don't stand in its way.
i found about 75 books on the sidewalk that are really pretty and i carried six of them home. they were heavy but for some reason i really like them. no reason why.
on my way home there is a certain intersection at city hall where this one homeless man in a wheelchair wheels around all the time in the late evenings. he is mentally handicapped and has all these cute little stuffed animals on his wheelchair. i always see him and walk by and he always makes me smile, sometimes in a sad way. but i usually just walk by.
tonight i stopped. i couldn't take it. i watched from a few feet away as he wheeled between the stopped cars and then when the light turned green he stopped by the sidewalk and his head fell to his chest and something inside of me broke. i pulled two dollars out of my purse and with my new found books walked over to where he was and set them inside a container he had in his lap.
i set them in and turned to walk away and he look up and into my face and simply said "thank you."
in that instant i saw him so differently--i looked at him and all that came out of my mouth was, "you're welcome"
but that isn't what i really wanted to say. i wanted to say so much more.
i wanted to say: i'm sorry. "i'm sorry that all i can give you is two dollars. a human life is worth so much more than the two dollars from my purse. i want to give you so much more--take my dignity, take my respect, take my love. take it all. i don't want to give you two dollars, i gave it to you because that is all i have. what i really want to give you is what i can't carry in this worthless purse of mine."
but all that came out as i looked into his face was "you're welcome." and i walked away.
and i walked away frustrated, broken, maybe even angry. i don't understand. maybe i never will. no human life deserves to be treated that way. why am i so lucky? what is my purpose to have been given so much?
i walked down past city hall broken, clinging to the books, and pushing back sobs that griped me in so many ways. i just feel so worthless. i have a hard time understanding grace. i wish i could be like that man in so many ways. i wish i could strip myself of all that i surround myself with: my pride, my intelligence, my status, my gifts, every barrier that i put up to seperate myself from other people--to set myself apart as if i am something better. i want to have the begger spirit, the ability to strip myself raw and just allow myself to be and allow others to teach me and allow God to fill me instead of always pretending i am better than this. instead of always pretending.