Sad stuff...dont read if u dont want to be depressed
Hi all...heres the promised update for today...so on my list of bad stuff theres:
1)Getting sick...pretty gross...threw up for 3 straight hours one night earlier this semester...not fun and not self induced, but i havent really been sick since. thats about it for this one...the majority of this journal is gonna be about point two...
2)Not making Fish Camp agian...bear with me...im gonna ramble...
So second year in a row that i didnt make it...ive got some theories as to why...ill share a few here...the first is htat i simply am not good enough to be a counselor...basically i suck...im kinda leaning towards this one cuz this happened not once but twice...i think thta theres just some part of me (or maybe all of me) that the cochairs just see either from my interveiw or essays that just isnt good enough...i dont know what or why but that is what i think...another theory is that i suck at interveiws...thatspretty self explanitory...I dont know...is it not enough to love a&m, want to share it with the amazing freshman class, and want to welcome them??? is it not enough to be willing and able to give every bit of my heart and effort to this??? am i in some way incapable of doing the job of a counselor? i would give everything to the freshmen...be there for them day or night, give them advise if they asked for it, listen when they need an open ear...i would not abandon them after school started, we would have lots of camp stuff planned and we would never have to grow apart...i would certainly never ignore them...long story...and i would be there friend, i would take them to sports and muster, i would try to show them the aggie spirit and i would never let them down...and all of this, every stinking scrap of it, is worthless to the freshmen class because i didnt get picked to do this...i feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and it sucks...this has been my dream since the first day of my own fish camp...almost 2 years ago now...and it has been shot to hell for 2 years running and i dont know if i can take a third rejection...but i want to try agian so badly...i cant help it...theres no way that i cant try again...but it f*ing hurts to have your dreams trodden on by 36 ppl (the # of cochairs that read my app)...i cannot understand...i must suck...i cant make it even with my heart in the right place, i cant make it after another years worth of maturity (and goofiness) added on...i cant make it after making ARC which has been my biggest blessing in my college career...wheres the bad spot? can i cut it out? can i make it go away so that next year i might stand a chance? why does it seem like everyone else can make it? when will the pain stop??? I cant make it...but im trying anyway...what does that say about me??? this hurts so much...