Hmmmm.....
I realized something new in the last day or so (these realizations seem to be coming more and more often, but are also more clear and easier to take). This one was really a shocker. How I could have missed something this obvious is beyond me.
I have already noticed that in my last ?relationship? (let's call him X) I was not really being true to myself...wasn't really being myself, but was instead trying to be someone I am not to make what I thought was the 'right' impression. But I truly thought I had been giving of myself.
What I realized was that although I spent a great deal of time around X's life...and friends, I pretty much totally cut him out of my life!!! I never gave him the opportunity to be in my life at all.
I know I have always had a problem with being open and I hide a lot of myself. But until today I never realized how much! lol. I am a scorpio so it is to be expected. Plus I have had experiences in my past where I had to keep very important things to myself (the whole 12 year kidnapping thing comes to mind :P ) so that others could be 'safe' or whatever. Until now I have pretty much blown the whole thing off and assumed that, although it had affected me, that it hadn't much. Especially in my adult life. In the last six months though I have gone through a breakdown, or rebuilding, or life change or something. It has been pretty terrible for me. But whereas before I believed it was just do to my marriage, I now think it was something I had to go through to heal from many aspects of my past. From the kidnapping to the drug addicted mother and alchoholic father. From the 9 marriages that I lived through and constant moves to new towns. It all finally had to be faced and dealt with. And as bad as it was (and there were many times when I almost gave up) I am glad it happened. From having worked around the military so much I have had the opportunity to see a lot of PTS syndrome. I just never thought it could effect me (no one ever does). The ending of my marriage was a catalyst where I couldn't hide from my past anymore. But I have dealt with my issues and come out alive.
Where I had been assuming that X was being distant with me I had never even thought to look at myself. Not that I am distant. For better or worse, I often wear my current feelings on my sleeve (which are subject to change at anytime :)
Now though I realize that I never even gave him a chance to get to know me at all. Especially on my own turf. He barely knew my friends. He only rarely came to my house...I made sure of that, even if I didn't know consciously that I was doing it.
Like most people I have whole facets to my personality that are totally different from each other. I gave X only a small chance to see only a narrow view of myself. Meanwhile I distacted myself by delving into his personality with the stubborness of a pitbull! lol. He never got to see any more of myself than what I gave him.
I feel a little guilty about this now. X is a good person and deserved better. But I am not going to cry over spilt milk. Luckily, he didn't seem to notice (or if he did, he didn't seem to mind). I am just glad I finally realized this about myself.
BREAKTHROUGH!!!
So have I done this with all of my past relationships? Probably :( But I am finally tired of playing defense. I want to have friends and relationships (speaking of the word 'relationship', why does everyone assume it means some deep romantice/love thing? Even friends and family members count as relationships. It is simply a term meaning that you 'relate' to another person. It can be anything!) who actually are allowed in. I have a feeling it won't be easy. A 32 year pattern can be difficult to break. But I am stubborn and will prevail.
Life is getting better and this breakthrough can only make it better. I should be scared to start letting people in instead of blocking them, but I am not. I feel great about the whole thing and am excited to see what happens.
So from now on in my dating relationships (and I am in no hurry to confine myself to one person...I have hid myself too long) as well as other types of relationships I am going to open it all up! lol. This is going to be interesting...
I have already noticed that in my last ?relationship? (let's call him X) I was not really being true to myself...wasn't really being myself, but was instead trying to be someone I am not to make what I thought was the 'right' impression. But I truly thought I had been giving of myself.
What I realized was that although I spent a great deal of time around X's life...and friends, I pretty much totally cut him out of my life!!! I never gave him the opportunity to be in my life at all.
I know I have always had a problem with being open and I hide a lot of myself. But until today I never realized how much! lol. I am a scorpio so it is to be expected. Plus I have had experiences in my past where I had to keep very important things to myself (the whole 12 year kidnapping thing comes to mind :P ) so that others could be 'safe' or whatever. Until now I have pretty much blown the whole thing off and assumed that, although it had affected me, that it hadn't much. Especially in my adult life. In the last six months though I have gone through a breakdown, or rebuilding, or life change or something. It has been pretty terrible for me. But whereas before I believed it was just do to my marriage, I now think it was something I had to go through to heal from many aspects of my past. From the kidnapping to the drug addicted mother and alchoholic father. From the 9 marriages that I lived through and constant moves to new towns. It all finally had to be faced and dealt with. And as bad as it was (and there were many times when I almost gave up) I am glad it happened. From having worked around the military so much I have had the opportunity to see a lot of PTS syndrome. I just never thought it could effect me (no one ever does). The ending of my marriage was a catalyst where I couldn't hide from my past anymore. But I have dealt with my issues and come out alive.
Where I had been assuming that X was being distant with me I had never even thought to look at myself. Not that I am distant. For better or worse, I often wear my current feelings on my sleeve (which are subject to change at anytime :)
Now though I realize that I never even gave him a chance to get to know me at all. Especially on my own turf. He barely knew my friends. He only rarely came to my house...I made sure of that, even if I didn't know consciously that I was doing it.
Like most people I have whole facets to my personality that are totally different from each other. I gave X only a small chance to see only a narrow view of myself. Meanwhile I distacted myself by delving into his personality with the stubborness of a pitbull! lol. He never got to see any more of myself than what I gave him.
I feel a little guilty about this now. X is a good person and deserved better. But I am not going to cry over spilt milk. Luckily, he didn't seem to notice (or if he did, he didn't seem to mind). I am just glad I finally realized this about myself.
BREAKTHROUGH!!!
So have I done this with all of my past relationships? Probably :( But I am finally tired of playing defense. I want to have friends and relationships (speaking of the word 'relationship', why does everyone assume it means some deep romantice/love thing? Even friends and family members count as relationships. It is simply a term meaning that you 'relate' to another person. It can be anything!) who actually are allowed in. I have a feeling it won't be easy. A 32 year pattern can be difficult to break. But I am stubborn and will prevail.
Life is getting better and this breakthrough can only make it better. I should be scared to start letting people in instead of blocking them, but I am not. I feel great about the whole thing and am excited to see what happens.
So from now on in my dating relationships (and I am in no hurry to confine myself to one person...I have hid myself too long) as well as other types of relationships I am going to open it all up! lol. This is going to be interesting...