Winter Solstice 2008 Contemplation
I was confused earlier today. I attended a pagan ritual via Second Life. Trouble was that the ritual was for Litha, not Yule. This was after deciding not to go to the Winter Festival up at Katoomba (just not up to it after the flu).
It's been a very confusing day. Apart from that action, I've been mowing lawns and fixing holes in fences. Probably overdue, but tedious all the same. And a worry because it might be the start of ongoing problems with fencing, as the house next door is up for sale. I've been very lucky so far because neither neighbour has pressed me much on the state of the fences. It's all part of living next to others, but it feels almost beyond me at the moment.
I've been getting over this horrible flu, after having my moped fall on me. For so long now it's been difficult for me to concentrate and focus. I feel like I've made no further progress in goals important to me than I had six months ago. I just seem, well drifting.
Too many worries, too many distractions? Maybe. I've taken some steps over this, which mainly is undertaking a course in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I don't know if this will make a difference but I'm open to the possibility that it might. Sounds very self-help pap doesn't it, though it's meant to be about accepting difficulty and pain and doing what one needs to do anyway. My hope is that this will break the impasse that I have come to.
The last six months I've been feeling mostly drained and sick. I don't really want to be this way. The ACT is one way I'm trying to turn this around. Are there other ways? I draw strength from inner beliefs, but even that wanes without hints of hope. I went no-mail on my mailing lists after an accident on my bike. As much as they are supporting in some ways, in others they were distractions, diluting my focus even further. So far I haven't returned to any of them.
Not cheerful this time around, but perhaps I need to sit with these feelings, rather than push them out of sight. So where's the Goddess in all this? I don't really know. I'm not losing faith, I just feel very very week right now. I know She'll help me in this, just not sure how.