Money and Income [Therapy]
I had a phone call from Sarah this morning, who was researching for changes in Anti-discrimination discrimination in South Australia. Sounds technical, but we spoke of many other things (including her contributing to queerelle). It was good to talk to her. I last met her at Queer Collaborations 2001.
Comparisons
And it was a good comparison. It made me realise that a lot of the problems I seem to have right now are just business as usual for a lot of people, not just special problems that only apply to me. Most, not all.
A big leveller seems to be poverty. Poverty eats in to all my plans. I can get stuff, but have to juggle things and plan ahead (and miss out of some stuff). What it does is make me prioritise, most of the time. But it's tiring. It's nice to have little luxuries, but sometimes I can't even have that. A lot of problems (like transport) disappear with enough money -- who needs a car if you can afford a taxi?
One way out of that (after I finish my Honours) would be to get some sort of job. Scares me shitless, the idea of that. I used to be a public servant for almost 20 years, and in all that time I seldom missed a days work unless I was really ill. But I was also wound as tight as a drum, for other reasons. It all seemed "woven together", and when I changed, it seemed I could no longer be that way.
It's not that I don't - no, fuck it - it is that I don't want to be that way again. The public service was a great big hole that I fell into, a place to be mediocre and hide. But I still don't have any real alternatives. Back in 1999 I had a physical collapse. I started getting panic attacks and I still have them from time to time. But more than that seems to be the anxiety I get in certain situations. I don't think I can work much more than part time, a few hours a week. Which sorta limits me I guess.
But, if there's a limit, I need to find either some way around that limit, or some way to plan within it, and still be OK.
The house is slowly falling apart. When I bought it I had it checked out. The main problem back then was that some of the piles it's raised on needed replacing in five years. Bought this place in 1997, so that should have been 2002. At one point I was going to paint it, and got as far stripping the paint from the side and front. But the person who was going to help me do that, shot through. The gutters are slowly rotting away. My workaround for the back gutters has been to place a piece of corrugated sheet at an angle underneath the leaks. It works, for now, but it ain't pretty.
I managed well enough by scavenging materials from the bush. People will throw out anything, and you eventually come across it if you go bush walking. That's helped, but most of the fence looks decrepit. The seats underneath the trees are made from old milk and bread crates, the top of a table, and various cushions (though they are comfy). Maybe I do get by. Maybe.
I never knew just where my arts degree would take me. Never had a "career plan" I did have an idea of making my own paper, but I would drastically need to revamp the shed (tearing it down and putting up a 2 story barn was one idea, but a $4000 one at that).
Used to think that maybe getting a boarder in might solve that problem, but right now I'm not sure if I could cope with that. There would be a whole set of other problems that would come with that. Whatever else, doing my Honours and before that, going to TAFE, was an economical blessing, as I got a Pensioner Education Supplement, which has been making life a little easier.
Thought the tarot would help (and it did for a while), but it seems that most people are too strapped for money for "luxuries" like that. I can sell my car, but a) I might need it in the next six months and b) what would I get for it with a cracked head?
Maybe this fortnight has been a little stressed. I spent $80 when I wanted to spend only $40. It was that and pay the rates. But next pay period, no bills (yet). Gasp.
Just glad I have my pets, the Internet, and my home. I'd had occasion to think that maybe I should have bought that place in Islington instead, but right now, while I type, listening to a "Sisters of Mercy" CD (and reading Scary Go Round and Goth Camp), with Pegasus and Gabby asleep on the sofa (Xena just popped in for a visit) things don't seem so bad. Maybe I'm starting to "calm down" a bit. Maybe spending a few days at home, makes a difference.
Maybe. Shit, I almost sound happy!
Don't think I'm out of the woods yet, though.