(no subject)
grief and sadness come at you in various ways when you are least expecting it. its triggered by a memory, a photo, a smell, or a taste of something familiar and yet at the same time you are losing it.
i hadn't cried in awhile. i thought i was getting better but today was so hard. perhaps it was because your birthday was last week, grandma's is this week and your anniversary is on the 14th. i blew up a photo of us, me playing with you. the date is april of 1988 - must've been easter because you were wearing your nice clothes. i brought it out and showed it to you and i cried, echoing off the wall of cold marble, pressing my hands to the script of your name and your flowers and just realized that you won't see me get married. you won't meet my children. you won't be there to celebrate with me, to cry when i'm sad and to be proud of me. i was lucky - i got to see you right before it all happened.
it comes at you when you least expect it - and almost when you expect it most. opening and shutting the front gate and the absense of barking. turning the key and no dog bounding at me. opening the garage door and walking in, no familiar yipping and no two ears in the rearview mirror of my mom's car. my furry friend, i miss you. but i realize that you were sick and i got to say my goodbyes to you.
whenever i sign online and its around 11AM my time i'm waiting for that instant message. the familiar face, asking me how i'm doing. being able to cry to a stranger who has no idea what i'm talking about but at the same time understanding me. a text message when i haven't been online in a few days and a christmas and birthday card in the mail for me. its realizing that you never got your chance. you never got to live. i never got my goodbye. i miss, you friend. i hope you find peace now.
i'm going to NYC in a week. have to make it 5 more days.. sigh.
i hadn't cried in awhile. i thought i was getting better but today was so hard. perhaps it was because your birthday was last week, grandma's is this week and your anniversary is on the 14th. i blew up a photo of us, me playing with you. the date is april of 1988 - must've been easter because you were wearing your nice clothes. i brought it out and showed it to you and i cried, echoing off the wall of cold marble, pressing my hands to the script of your name and your flowers and just realized that you won't see me get married. you won't meet my children. you won't be there to celebrate with me, to cry when i'm sad and to be proud of me. i was lucky - i got to see you right before it all happened.
it comes at you when you least expect it - and almost when you expect it most. opening and shutting the front gate and the absense of barking. turning the key and no dog bounding at me. opening the garage door and walking in, no familiar yipping and no two ears in the rearview mirror of my mom's car. my furry friend, i miss you. but i realize that you were sick and i got to say my goodbyes to you.
whenever i sign online and its around 11AM my time i'm waiting for that instant message. the familiar face, asking me how i'm doing. being able to cry to a stranger who has no idea what i'm talking about but at the same time understanding me. a text message when i haven't been online in a few days and a christmas and birthday card in the mail for me. its realizing that you never got your chance. you never got to live. i never got my goodbye. i miss, you friend. i hope you find peace now.
i'm going to NYC in a week. have to make it 5 more days.. sigh.