Hot as a Mug
My dad is pissy with me because I was too loud on the phone with Katie Lutz. Oh well.... I get more animated than usual when I'm talking to her!! hehe
Walter cancelled rehearsal on Wednesday and Sunday, so now there's nothing for me to do. There's usually nothing on Tuesday nights, anyway, but still...
It's hot as a mug. This house has a LOT of crap in it, we are in serious need of a yard sale. This is ridiculous. It makes 90 degree weather seem so much worse. I'm so cramped!!! I should clean, at least organize my room... but I just don't feel like it. I'm too sluggish.
I hate being sluggish... I've stopped running/ Pilates lately because it's so damn hot, and I think it's bringing my energy level down. Besides I love eating, haaha. I really have to bear down and get into shape for this show though...
Ah well.
Things feel so strange. I know it's only been a month since I've been home, but whenever I start thinking about everything this past year up untill I got home... it's just one big blur. I feel like it was all made up. I really feel no different than when I got out of high school.
Sometimes it makes me upset. I was in Matt's car on the way home from rehearsal last week and some song was playing... I forget what song... but it was talking about dreams and following your dreams and whatnot. And I just got teared up. I feel really befuddled about some things sometimes. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I don't want to be home, yet I don't know where else to be. I need to figure that out. And sometimes I sit and wonder how things are going to end up... I mean you can't have everything you want. This is a fact I should be used to by now since I always seem to want things I can't have. But when I think about my future it's no longer a fairy tale. I don't really know how to explain what I'm saying. I know I'm young still, but I guess I just feel like I should be on my way now, and I'm not. Who could take me seriously? I've got a ways to go... and I'll be feeling that more when I'm still here in Millville next year, wishing I had figured everything out sooner. I just want to jump ahead.
I should just stop time and think about summer. Think about the show, and think about everything good that is happening at this moment. Because truthfully, there's nothing bad. It's just whenever I look ahead, I get all freaked out... and whenever I look behind, I feel many things... guilt, sadness, fleeting memories, missing some things, confused about others. And worst of all... forgetfulness. There's been a lot of things I've put to the back of my mind. A lot of things have happened to me that were so important at the time, and now I don't even know why. It's so weird. You really change as you grow older. I was thinking about how much times have changed, and trying to remember what it felt like back then. I know that lots of things just seemed to fill me up with all this emotion. I'm not sentimental about that stuff anymore. And it makes me feel sad. I feel sad that I forget how to feel that way.
Before I went to bed I had to sit there and remind myself who I was. I have changed in some ways, but the roots are still the same, and hopefully always will be. I have identity crisis' sometimes. lol.
Anyhow, I'm in good spirits about what IS the here and now. It's good to be in a show again. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. I'm very excited about starting to block this bear. Also, the kids at Wood School are great. Before I have to go, I complain about it enough... but when I'm actually there working with the kids, it's amazing. It's just everything else that can be a bit bothersome.
That should be okay eventually, too though. Matt and I have some great ideas, and it's good to be thinking on the same level with someone. We've gotta sit down and figure out how we're going to put these ideas into action. I wish we had more money hahaha.
Speaking of such things... I'm obsessed with sets.... today at work I designed sets for three shows. It made me realize I picked the right career path, because even if I suck at it, it is something I enjoy.
Speaking of obsession... what's up with me being guy crazy? I'm always a little bit guy crazy, but lately it's like... a pasttime. I need to go to Philly very soon. Because one of Nathan's friends is... someone I need to meet :). I've been talking to him a lot online, and I play it very cool when I'm talking to him, but truth be told, inside I'm just... bubbly. And if I'm feeling kinda blah, one word from him and it's no more. He is freakin hilarious. His name is Mike, and his sense of humor is... hard to come by! Which means it's a lot like mine. He keeps bugging me to go hang out with him in Philly. He's also a saxophone player. Which is probably the biggest turnon in the world for La. He also has very pretty eyes... so... yeah... that makes me really happy.
But aside from him, I stalk old crushes on Myspace and it is fun HAHAHA
Anyway it's really hot... I think I might go... find a way not to be hot. Or something. And listen to me some Ben Folds... more obsession :)
~La
Walter cancelled rehearsal on Wednesday and Sunday, so now there's nothing for me to do. There's usually nothing on Tuesday nights, anyway, but still...
It's hot as a mug. This house has a LOT of crap in it, we are in serious need of a yard sale. This is ridiculous. It makes 90 degree weather seem so much worse. I'm so cramped!!! I should clean, at least organize my room... but I just don't feel like it. I'm too sluggish.
I hate being sluggish... I've stopped running/ Pilates lately because it's so damn hot, and I think it's bringing my energy level down. Besides I love eating, haaha. I really have to bear down and get into shape for this show though...
Ah well.
Things feel so strange. I know it's only been a month since I've been home, but whenever I start thinking about everything this past year up untill I got home... it's just one big blur. I feel like it was all made up. I really feel no different than when I got out of high school.
Sometimes it makes me upset. I was in Matt's car on the way home from rehearsal last week and some song was playing... I forget what song... but it was talking about dreams and following your dreams and whatnot. And I just got teared up. I feel really befuddled about some things sometimes. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I don't want to be home, yet I don't know where else to be. I need to figure that out. And sometimes I sit and wonder how things are going to end up... I mean you can't have everything you want. This is a fact I should be used to by now since I always seem to want things I can't have. But when I think about my future it's no longer a fairy tale. I don't really know how to explain what I'm saying. I know I'm young still, but I guess I just feel like I should be on my way now, and I'm not. Who could take me seriously? I've got a ways to go... and I'll be feeling that more when I'm still here in Millville next year, wishing I had figured everything out sooner. I just want to jump ahead.
I should just stop time and think about summer. Think about the show, and think about everything good that is happening at this moment. Because truthfully, there's nothing bad. It's just whenever I look ahead, I get all freaked out... and whenever I look behind, I feel many things... guilt, sadness, fleeting memories, missing some things, confused about others. And worst of all... forgetfulness. There's been a lot of things I've put to the back of my mind. A lot of things have happened to me that were so important at the time, and now I don't even know why. It's so weird. You really change as you grow older. I was thinking about how much times have changed, and trying to remember what it felt like back then. I know that lots of things just seemed to fill me up with all this emotion. I'm not sentimental about that stuff anymore. And it makes me feel sad. I feel sad that I forget how to feel that way.
Before I went to bed I had to sit there and remind myself who I was. I have changed in some ways, but the roots are still the same, and hopefully always will be. I have identity crisis' sometimes. lol.
Anyhow, I'm in good spirits about what IS the here and now. It's good to be in a show again. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. I'm very excited about starting to block this bear. Also, the kids at Wood School are great. Before I have to go, I complain about it enough... but when I'm actually there working with the kids, it's amazing. It's just everything else that can be a bit bothersome.
That should be okay eventually, too though. Matt and I have some great ideas, and it's good to be thinking on the same level with someone. We've gotta sit down and figure out how we're going to put these ideas into action. I wish we had more money hahaha.
Speaking of such things... I'm obsessed with sets.... today at work I designed sets for three shows. It made me realize I picked the right career path, because even if I suck at it, it is something I enjoy.
Speaking of obsession... what's up with me being guy crazy? I'm always a little bit guy crazy, but lately it's like... a pasttime. I need to go to Philly very soon. Because one of Nathan's friends is... someone I need to meet :). I've been talking to him a lot online, and I play it very cool when I'm talking to him, but truth be told, inside I'm just... bubbly. And if I'm feeling kinda blah, one word from him and it's no more. He is freakin hilarious. His name is Mike, and his sense of humor is... hard to come by! Which means it's a lot like mine. He keeps bugging me to go hang out with him in Philly. He's also a saxophone player. Which is probably the biggest turnon in the world for La. He also has very pretty eyes... so... yeah... that makes me really happy.
But aside from him, I stalk old crushes on Myspace and it is fun HAHAHA
Anyway it's really hot... I think I might go... find a way not to be hot. Or something. And listen to me some Ben Folds... more obsession :)
~La