Fic: One Little White Lie (12/12 + Epilogue)
Title: One Little White Lie (12/12)
Author: laughter_now
Rating: strong PG-13 (lots of bad words), tending towards R later
Pairing: Jim/Bones
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the Star Trek Franchise. *sigh* Sadly.
Summary: One little white lie never hurt anybody, that's what they say. But apparently they are wrong, because even one small lie can spin out of control and change a life forever. Jim only wanted to be by his best friend's side after an accident. Nobody could have known that the lie he told to make that possible was going to come back to haunt him.
In response to a prompt on space_married.
Previous Part
Bones shook his head slightly, the left corner of his mouth quirking up for a second.
"First of all, just for the record, I'm not subscribing to your brains-theory. I have the feeling that one's going to need a lot more work on it before it gets anywhere close to being published in a scientific journal."
Jim couldn't help the small smile that crossed his face in an imitation of Bones' hesitant upwards tug of his lips. At least Bones wasn't yelling or - worse - laughing at him, so just maybe he hadn't taken that one step too far with what he had said.
"But…I had it once before that I thought I had found a best friend who was also a lover and the only person I thought I'd ever want. And that blew up spectacularly. And I know that it's not the same, that you are not Jocelyn, but I know what you mean about past hang-ups. We both have plenty of those. The thing is that you always were my friend, Jim. Always. And when I suddenly realized that there might be more to what I was feeling, it scared me. It scared me because I didn't know if it was real, but also because I didn't want to risk what we had. With my mind the scrambled mess that it was, I needed the distance to try and sort it all out."
"I get that, Bones. I just…I don't know how much more of that distance I can take. You're my friend, and we've been getting back to that, but it still feels as if something's missing because I have no idea what you're thinking anymore. I need…I don't even know what I need, Bones. Just something definite. I can deal with something definite. I can't really live well with this whole let's wait and see-thing, wondering the entire time if I screwed up any chance of something more we might have had."
Bones sighed deeply and rubbed his face over his hands. His fingers got tangled in his short hair and he didn't meet Jim's eyes. Instead, he kept staring at the ground as he answered.
"The thing is, it still scares me. It scares me because I'm still not any clearer on anything than I was two months ago. I still don't know what to think about the way I feel, let alone what I'm supposed to do about it. What scares me even more is that those feelings are still there and won't go away, and that might mean that maybe there is something to your theory about how it's all our brains' fault."
Jim didn't know if he should laugh or feel insulted. It was pretty hard to form a coherent thought about that when all he could think about was whether he had really heard what he thought he had.
"I'm pretty sure you could give it the right scientific edge. You're good with the big words."
Bones smiled, but didn't pick up the joke in an attempt to lead their conversation back into safer waters.
"I don't know if I can do it, Jim. I…I can't get out of my skin. I don't do these things halfway. I wish I could, after Jocelyn and everything that happened, but I can't."
"Nobody said you have to."
Bones finally looked at him then, disbelief evident in his gaze as if Jim had just suggested something far out of the realm of the humanly possible. Honestly, Jim wouldn't believe it himself if he didn't know that this was different than anything he had ever felt before. Eventually, Bones shook his head.
"And what if it doesn't work out?"
"But what if it does?"
There was a spark of something in Bones' eyes at those words, for just a small moment, but it gave Jim the encouragement he needed to go on.
"What if it does work out? And I'm not saying I can make any guarantees, but damn it, neither of us is going to know if we're not going to try. Sometimes, you just have to take a leap. I want to give it a try, and trust me, this is all new and frightening for me, too."
"Jim…"
"And the only reason why you don't want to give this a try, too, I mean the only reason I can accept, is if you don't feel the same way about me that I do about you. If that's the case then I'll have to accept it, but I'm not going to let you throw this chance away because you're too scared to take this step. I'm way out of my comfort zone here, too, but I'm convinced that there's something between us that is worth it. This, and a lot more. I just need you to meet me somewhere along the way, Bones. I can't do this without you."
Bones swallowed, his Adam's apple moving up and down underneath the skin of his throat. Jim forced his eyes back to meet Bones' before he got distracted.
Bones didn't say anything, but he also didn't take the way out that Jim had left open for him. Encouraged by this, Jim slid closer to the other man, so close that he could feel Bones' body heat against his own skin, and close enough to see the subtle change between green, brown and all the shades in between that made up the color of Bones' eyes depending on how the light hit them.
"Remember that night we kissed?" Jim asked once he had caught those captivating eyes and held them with his own. Bones huffed out a mirthless laugh, his breath a warm movement of air against Jim's skin.
"Yeah, Jim. I do."
"Then you also remember what you said, right?"
A small frown line appeared between Bones' eyebrows, and Jim shifted yet another bit closer so that he was fully in the other man's line of vision.
"You said that we could kiss when you remembered." Jim let that statement hang in the air for a few long moments, encouraged by the fact that Bones made no move to push him away. When he was sure that he had the other man's full and undivided attention, he put his final card on the table.
"You remember now."
Again, Bones swallowed nervously, never once breaking eye-contract.
"I do."
He had given Bones plenty of opportunities to back down, to withdraw again into that self-chosen distance between them, but he hadn't. And Jim was done talking. He leaned in so close that he had to cock his head slightly to the side so that their noses didn't bump against each other.
"Good," he whispered, and Bones' eyelids fluttered for a second as Jim leaned in and finally pressed his lips against Bones'.
Bones' lips were dry and warm against Jim's, and that single kiss felt like coming home.
"Jim," Bones breathed out as Jim pulled away in search of a better angle, a way to get even closer to Bones wherever he could, and suddenly there were hands on Jim's shoulder and neck that were drawing him in again, warm lips seeking out his own, and whatever thoughts Jim might have had about angles and optimal positioning went right out the window at the feeling of this kiss.
It felt right to be doing this, just like the first time it had happened. And while that first kiss had been hesitant, tender and tasting faintly of bourbon, this one was different and not only because it was sober. It was a discovery, and exploration of something Jim had never thought he'd be granted.
Bones kissed like he approached everything else in life - with utmost dedication and complete focus, as if nothing else mattered at that moment. The feeling of Bones' lips moving against his, of his tongue gently tracing the contours of his lips until Jim granted him entry and met it with his own, was heady and intoxicating, and he never wanted for it to end.
Jim was aware that he was moving, still shifting around in search of that perfect angle that would allow him to press as close to Bones as humanly possible, but it was a distant awareness somewhere on the back of his mind. What was on the forefront was the way Bones was pressed up against him, their chests pressed flush together, the feeling of Bones' skin against his, the slight scratch of stubble against his cheek. And those hands - because Bones wasn't simply holding on, he was roaming and exploring just like Jim was, hands running over Jim's body as if trying to find something to hold on to.
Jim didn't know how he was able to tear himself away from Bones' lips, even for something as essential as breathing, and he reveled in the way Bones canted his head to the side to grant better access as Jim kissed his way along his jaw and down towards his throat.
"Jim…"
It sounded as breathless as Jim felt, and the thought that he was making Bones sound like that was far more intoxicating than any bourbon could ever be. Jim mapped the spot that had wrung the whisper from Bones' lips, right at the juncture of jaw and neck, and he flicked out his tongue to taste the skin there. It was the first in a hopefully long list of things that made Bones gasp in pleasure, so it was well worth remembering every second of it.
Broad hands roamed over his back, following the curve of his spine, and it was Jim's turn to gasp as warm fingers slid under the hem of his shirt, shifting fabric to get to the bare skin below.
This was it. This…Jim never wanted for it to stop. It should feel weird, doing this with his best friend, and it should feel even weirder since all of Jim's experiences with male partners were limited to a few instances of fumbling and groping, mostly when drunk.
It should feel weird.
But this was Bones, and maybe that was the explanation why everything felt natural and right.
It felt right to tug at Bones' shirt until the other man broke their renewed kiss so that Jim could pull the fabric over his head. It felt natural to toss his own shirt off right along with it before he leaned in for another hungry kiss. Jim was effectively straddling Bones on the sofa, his knees framing Bones' strong thighs, and when Bones' hands roamed across his back to squeeze his ass through the fabric of his pants, Jim thought he had died and gone to heaven.
"Bones, I…I need…"
Jim didn't even know what he needed, if there were words to describe this desire for more, closer, now, but Bones seemed to understand without the need for words. He pulled him in for another kiss, lips hot and moist against Jim's.
"I know, darlin'," he whispered against Jim's lips, and the drawled endearment sent a sharp thrill of something he had never felt before through Jim. Bones' hands shifted up Jim's thighs, fingers moving over trembling muscle until he palmed the growing hardness of Jim's erection. "I know," he repeated, accentuated with another kiss.
Jim wasn't too sure at which point he lost control of himself, but it couldn't have been too long after he felt Bones' hand against him like that for the first time, with nothing but the all-too thin barrier of the fabric of his pants between them. Something about the friction, or the knowledge that this was Bones and he was right there, doing all the things Jim had barely dared to dream about, short-circuited the part of his brain that was responsible for conscious thought, making room for something primal to take over.
Jim couldn't tell how they ended up lying on the couch when just a second ago he had been straddling Bones' lap rather firmly, but with all the bare skin right in front of him that just begged to be touched and explored, he didn't particularly care. He made a mental note of Bones' nipples as a second extremely sensitive spot, just in case he didn't die or fry a vital part of his brain from the sensory overload of this all and actually got a chance to do this again.
Bones was writhing beneath him, arching up against Jim's touch while his own hands did their fair share of exploring, making Jim gasp between kisses as those fingers brushed over his lower ribs and then settled almost teasingly at the sensitive skin of Jim's hip, right above the waistband of his painfully tight uniform pants. Jim was lost - hopelessly, irrevocably and utterly lost to the feeling of Bones' hands on him and Bones' skin under his own fingers, to the open-mouthed kisses, to the sight, sound, and smell of Bones.
Bones' hands slid down Jim's back again, fingers tracing the indentation of his spine before they slid around his hips, eliciting another gasp on their way, and settled on the button that was holding Jim's pants together over his by now achingly straining erection.
"Bones," Jim gasped, nearly toppling himself face first into Bones' chest as his own hands suddenly couldn't get to opening up Bones' pants fast enough. It was clumsy at best, both of them struggling with buttons and zippers like inexperienced teenagers while Jim tried to keep himself upright and Bones struggled to keep them both from falling off the sofa. Jim barely got his own pants and briefs down to the middle of his thighs, and getting Bones' pants off became nearly impossible when he lifted his hips off the couch in what was meant to be an attempt to help along their cause, but that ended up brushing their cocks together.
Bones groaned and his eyes rolled back in his head, and Jim swore that his vision blackened out and he saw stars.
"Damn it, Jim," Bones mumbled, without any of his usual vigor or snarl. There was so much raw need in Bones' voice it had Jim leaning down for another hungry kiss. Bones' hand wrapped around him, and Jim moaned helplessly at the feeling of that long-fingered hand closing around him, tugging once, sharply, and running his thumb over the head.
"Bones, yes. God, just…there…"
Bones shut Jim up rather effectively by pulling him down for another kiss with his free hand, and unlike earlier there was nothing remotely hesitant or careful about the way he thrust his tongue into Jim's mouth and sucked on his lower lip.
Jim hadn't dwelled too often on how this scene between them could play out, mostly because he had convinced himself true and well that it was never going to happen. But the few times he had indulged in that particular fantasy, it had always involved time, and languid exploration of one another without any haste. Those fantasies hadn't exactly involved an almost desperate rutting against one another on a sofa that was altogether too narrow and uncomfortable for these things, but Jim couldn't help it.
It was all too much, and the sheer physical need to be as close to Bones as possible, the need for more and now and never stop, please never stop, was too overwhelming. Jim's own hand had joined Bones' between their bodies, stroking Bones in time with the movement of Bones' fingers over his own cock and the desperate thrusting of their hips.
Jim's mind was a tumble of words and sensations he couldn't ever possibly find words for, and the only clear thought he had was a stream of words somewhere in the vicinity of Bones, please don't stop, never stop, been waiting for this for so long, please don't let go. Bones' lips pressed against his in a surprisingly gentle and tender kiss.
"I won't," he whispered, and only then did Jim realize that he had said the words out loud.
Bones' grip on him tightened and Jim wanted for this to last, he really wanted to, but it was all too much. It only took a few more strokes of Bones' hand, then Jim was tumbling over the edge, spine arching and his hips thrusting against Bones as he came. He was distantly aware of Bones thrusting into his hand, and the deep guttural groan as he came and spilled all over Jim's fingers.
Feeling suddenly boneless, as if all his joints and limbs had turned into rubber, Jim let himself sink onto Bones' chest, the rapid beating of the other man's heart a frantic but soothingly calming rhythm against his sternum. Settling himself between Bones' legs, one of Jim's hands almost automatically came to rest against Bones' hip while the other moved up, thumb drawing lazy circles against Bones' collarbone as Jim leaned in for a lazy, satisfied kiss.
He didn't want to think right now, didn't want to contemplate where all this left them, if this meant that things between them were finally resolved or if the next setback was only lurking around the corner, waiting for its chance to strike. He simply wanted to revel in this, allow himself to bask in the afterglow of what had just happened without having to think about consequences. Right now it was just him and Bones, with neither any physical obstacles nor any of those mental walls they had built between them, and if Jim had any say in it he wanted for it to remain that way.
A warm hand settled on the back of his neck, tenderly stroking through the sweat-matted hair as Jim settled his head into the crook of Bones' neck with a sigh.
"You fall asleep on top of me Jim, and I swear I'm gonna push you off the sofa."
Bones' voice was a low rumble in Jim's ear, a soft vibration he felt against his chest just as much as he heard it, and his lips drew up into a smile against Bones' skin. Truth was, he'd be entirely content to fall asleep like this, wrapped around Bones as tightly as possible. He didn't want to look up, much less get up - also because that would mean looking at Bones and facing the reaction to what they had just done.
He was nearly sure this meant what he thought it did. Nearly. Yet nearly wasn't absolutely, and Jim had never felt this exposed and open before after sex. Nudity was one thing, and not something Jim felt shy about, but that wasn't the issue. Jim didn't like being vulnerable; he didn't like to bare himself like that to others. But this was Bones, and what scared Jim wasn't that he was lying here naked, it was that he was laying it all open for Bones to see. No walls, no pretence, nothing. Just Jim, with each and every of his imperfections and flaws, but willing to give everything he had to Bones.
And all of a sudden Jim was horribly afraid that everything he had wasn't going to be enough.
After a few minutes, the hand against the back of Jim's neck stopped its soothing movement.
"Think there's any chance we could move this towards the shower and then maybe a bed before we're stuck together for good?"
Slowly, Jim raised his head, still not quite sure he was ready to face whatever he was going to see reflected in Bones' face. But whatever he had thought to find, when he found Bones looking at him with one eyebrow raised and his eyes sparkling with an underlying amusement that defied his scowl, something tight in Jim's chest loosened.
"Would it be so bad to be stuck with me?"
If possible, the eyebrow rose even higher.
"I love you, Jim, but if being stuck with you is a literal thing, I'm going to have to decline. The damn ship is gossiping enough about us without us having to call for someone to help un-stick our naked bodies."
Jim leaned up on one elbow, looking down at Bones and trying to gauge what he was thinking.
"We could take a shower, I guess. It's getting late, after all."
Bones nodded. "Sounds good."
"And then?"
Bones shrugged. "Sleep, probably. As you said, it's getting late."
It wasn't the answer Jim had been hoping for. Considering what they had just done, and that they were lying naked atop of each other with their bodies stuck together by sweat and semen, it was ridiculous how much courage Jim needed to draw up for his next question.
"Will you stay?"
Jim knew that he wasn't asking an easy thing of Bones. Chances were good that someone was going to see Bones coming out of Jim's quarters in the morning, and as Bones had said - the crew was already gossiping enough about them after the whole pretended marriage and subsequent fallout. Asking Bones to stay also meant asking him to accept that people were going to know he had stayed, with all implications. And despite the fact that they had just had sex, Jim was more than a little scared that he was asking too much.
Bones looked at him for a few seconds, then he smiled and pushed a strand of hair away from Jim's forehead.
"Yeah, Jim. I'll stay."
Then he leaned up to kiss Jim, lazily and achingly tender. And Jim decided to stop thinking so much and just let himself fall. Thinking was overrated, anyway, especially when Bones was lying naked beneath him and a hopefully mutual shower was looming somewhere not too far in the future.
For once, he maybe should stop thinking too much.
The End
Epilogue
Author: laughter_now
Rating: strong PG-13 (lots of bad words), tending towards R later
Pairing: Jim/Bones
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the Star Trek Franchise. *sigh* Sadly.
Summary: One little white lie never hurt anybody, that's what they say. But apparently they are wrong, because even one small lie can spin out of control and change a life forever. Jim only wanted to be by his best friend's side after an accident. Nobody could have known that the lie he told to make that possible was going to come back to haunt him.
In response to a prompt on space_married.
Previous Part
Bones shook his head slightly, the left corner of his mouth quirking up for a second.
"First of all, just for the record, I'm not subscribing to your brains-theory. I have the feeling that one's going to need a lot more work on it before it gets anywhere close to being published in a scientific journal."
Jim couldn't help the small smile that crossed his face in an imitation of Bones' hesitant upwards tug of his lips. At least Bones wasn't yelling or - worse - laughing at him, so just maybe he hadn't taken that one step too far with what he had said.
"But…I had it once before that I thought I had found a best friend who was also a lover and the only person I thought I'd ever want. And that blew up spectacularly. And I know that it's not the same, that you are not Jocelyn, but I know what you mean about past hang-ups. We both have plenty of those. The thing is that you always were my friend, Jim. Always. And when I suddenly realized that there might be more to what I was feeling, it scared me. It scared me because I didn't know if it was real, but also because I didn't want to risk what we had. With my mind the scrambled mess that it was, I needed the distance to try and sort it all out."
"I get that, Bones. I just…I don't know how much more of that distance I can take. You're my friend, and we've been getting back to that, but it still feels as if something's missing because I have no idea what you're thinking anymore. I need…I don't even know what I need, Bones. Just something definite. I can deal with something definite. I can't really live well with this whole let's wait and see-thing, wondering the entire time if I screwed up any chance of something more we might have had."
Bones sighed deeply and rubbed his face over his hands. His fingers got tangled in his short hair and he didn't meet Jim's eyes. Instead, he kept staring at the ground as he answered.
"The thing is, it still scares me. It scares me because I'm still not any clearer on anything than I was two months ago. I still don't know what to think about the way I feel, let alone what I'm supposed to do about it. What scares me even more is that those feelings are still there and won't go away, and that might mean that maybe there is something to your theory about how it's all our brains' fault."
Jim didn't know if he should laugh or feel insulted. It was pretty hard to form a coherent thought about that when all he could think about was whether he had really heard what he thought he had.
"I'm pretty sure you could give it the right scientific edge. You're good with the big words."
Bones smiled, but didn't pick up the joke in an attempt to lead their conversation back into safer waters.
"I don't know if I can do it, Jim. I…I can't get out of my skin. I don't do these things halfway. I wish I could, after Jocelyn and everything that happened, but I can't."
"Nobody said you have to."
Bones finally looked at him then, disbelief evident in his gaze as if Jim had just suggested something far out of the realm of the humanly possible. Honestly, Jim wouldn't believe it himself if he didn't know that this was different than anything he had ever felt before. Eventually, Bones shook his head.
"And what if it doesn't work out?"
"But what if it does?"
There was a spark of something in Bones' eyes at those words, for just a small moment, but it gave Jim the encouragement he needed to go on.
"What if it does work out? And I'm not saying I can make any guarantees, but damn it, neither of us is going to know if we're not going to try. Sometimes, you just have to take a leap. I want to give it a try, and trust me, this is all new and frightening for me, too."
"Jim…"
"And the only reason why you don't want to give this a try, too, I mean the only reason I can accept, is if you don't feel the same way about me that I do about you. If that's the case then I'll have to accept it, but I'm not going to let you throw this chance away because you're too scared to take this step. I'm way out of my comfort zone here, too, but I'm convinced that there's something between us that is worth it. This, and a lot more. I just need you to meet me somewhere along the way, Bones. I can't do this without you."
Bones swallowed, his Adam's apple moving up and down underneath the skin of his throat. Jim forced his eyes back to meet Bones' before he got distracted.
Bones didn't say anything, but he also didn't take the way out that Jim had left open for him. Encouraged by this, Jim slid closer to the other man, so close that he could feel Bones' body heat against his own skin, and close enough to see the subtle change between green, brown and all the shades in between that made up the color of Bones' eyes depending on how the light hit them.
"Remember that night we kissed?" Jim asked once he had caught those captivating eyes and held them with his own. Bones huffed out a mirthless laugh, his breath a warm movement of air against Jim's skin.
"Yeah, Jim. I do."
"Then you also remember what you said, right?"
A small frown line appeared between Bones' eyebrows, and Jim shifted yet another bit closer so that he was fully in the other man's line of vision.
"You said that we could kiss when you remembered." Jim let that statement hang in the air for a few long moments, encouraged by the fact that Bones made no move to push him away. When he was sure that he had the other man's full and undivided attention, he put his final card on the table.
"You remember now."
Again, Bones swallowed nervously, never once breaking eye-contract.
"I do."
He had given Bones plenty of opportunities to back down, to withdraw again into that self-chosen distance between them, but he hadn't. And Jim was done talking. He leaned in so close that he had to cock his head slightly to the side so that their noses didn't bump against each other.
"Good," he whispered, and Bones' eyelids fluttered for a second as Jim leaned in and finally pressed his lips against Bones'.
Bones' lips were dry and warm against Jim's, and that single kiss felt like coming home.
"Jim," Bones breathed out as Jim pulled away in search of a better angle, a way to get even closer to Bones wherever he could, and suddenly there were hands on Jim's shoulder and neck that were drawing him in again, warm lips seeking out his own, and whatever thoughts Jim might have had about angles and optimal positioning went right out the window at the feeling of this kiss.
It felt right to be doing this, just like the first time it had happened. And while that first kiss had been hesitant, tender and tasting faintly of bourbon, this one was different and not only because it was sober. It was a discovery, and exploration of something Jim had never thought he'd be granted.
Bones kissed like he approached everything else in life - with utmost dedication and complete focus, as if nothing else mattered at that moment. The feeling of Bones' lips moving against his, of his tongue gently tracing the contours of his lips until Jim granted him entry and met it with his own, was heady and intoxicating, and he never wanted for it to end.
Jim was aware that he was moving, still shifting around in search of that perfect angle that would allow him to press as close to Bones as humanly possible, but it was a distant awareness somewhere on the back of his mind. What was on the forefront was the way Bones was pressed up against him, their chests pressed flush together, the feeling of Bones' skin against his, the slight scratch of stubble against his cheek. And those hands - because Bones wasn't simply holding on, he was roaming and exploring just like Jim was, hands running over Jim's body as if trying to find something to hold on to.
Jim didn't know how he was able to tear himself away from Bones' lips, even for something as essential as breathing, and he reveled in the way Bones canted his head to the side to grant better access as Jim kissed his way along his jaw and down towards his throat.
"Jim…"
It sounded as breathless as Jim felt, and the thought that he was making Bones sound like that was far more intoxicating than any bourbon could ever be. Jim mapped the spot that had wrung the whisper from Bones' lips, right at the juncture of jaw and neck, and he flicked out his tongue to taste the skin there. It was the first in a hopefully long list of things that made Bones gasp in pleasure, so it was well worth remembering every second of it.
Broad hands roamed over his back, following the curve of his spine, and it was Jim's turn to gasp as warm fingers slid under the hem of his shirt, shifting fabric to get to the bare skin below.
This was it. This…Jim never wanted for it to stop. It should feel weird, doing this with his best friend, and it should feel even weirder since all of Jim's experiences with male partners were limited to a few instances of fumbling and groping, mostly when drunk.
It should feel weird.
But this was Bones, and maybe that was the explanation why everything felt natural and right.
It felt right to tug at Bones' shirt until the other man broke their renewed kiss so that Jim could pull the fabric over his head. It felt natural to toss his own shirt off right along with it before he leaned in for another hungry kiss. Jim was effectively straddling Bones on the sofa, his knees framing Bones' strong thighs, and when Bones' hands roamed across his back to squeeze his ass through the fabric of his pants, Jim thought he had died and gone to heaven.
"Bones, I…I need…"
Jim didn't even know what he needed, if there were words to describe this desire for more, closer, now, but Bones seemed to understand without the need for words. He pulled him in for another kiss, lips hot and moist against Jim's.
"I know, darlin'," he whispered against Jim's lips, and the drawled endearment sent a sharp thrill of something he had never felt before through Jim. Bones' hands shifted up Jim's thighs, fingers moving over trembling muscle until he palmed the growing hardness of Jim's erection. "I know," he repeated, accentuated with another kiss.
Jim wasn't too sure at which point he lost control of himself, but it couldn't have been too long after he felt Bones' hand against him like that for the first time, with nothing but the all-too thin barrier of the fabric of his pants between them. Something about the friction, or the knowledge that this was Bones and he was right there, doing all the things Jim had barely dared to dream about, short-circuited the part of his brain that was responsible for conscious thought, making room for something primal to take over.
Jim couldn't tell how they ended up lying on the couch when just a second ago he had been straddling Bones' lap rather firmly, but with all the bare skin right in front of him that just begged to be touched and explored, he didn't particularly care. He made a mental note of Bones' nipples as a second extremely sensitive spot, just in case he didn't die or fry a vital part of his brain from the sensory overload of this all and actually got a chance to do this again.
Bones was writhing beneath him, arching up against Jim's touch while his own hands did their fair share of exploring, making Jim gasp between kisses as those fingers brushed over his lower ribs and then settled almost teasingly at the sensitive skin of Jim's hip, right above the waistband of his painfully tight uniform pants. Jim was lost - hopelessly, irrevocably and utterly lost to the feeling of Bones' hands on him and Bones' skin under his own fingers, to the open-mouthed kisses, to the sight, sound, and smell of Bones.
Bones' hands slid down Jim's back again, fingers tracing the indentation of his spine before they slid around his hips, eliciting another gasp on their way, and settled on the button that was holding Jim's pants together over his by now achingly straining erection.
"Bones," Jim gasped, nearly toppling himself face first into Bones' chest as his own hands suddenly couldn't get to opening up Bones' pants fast enough. It was clumsy at best, both of them struggling with buttons and zippers like inexperienced teenagers while Jim tried to keep himself upright and Bones struggled to keep them both from falling off the sofa. Jim barely got his own pants and briefs down to the middle of his thighs, and getting Bones' pants off became nearly impossible when he lifted his hips off the couch in what was meant to be an attempt to help along their cause, but that ended up brushing their cocks together.
Bones groaned and his eyes rolled back in his head, and Jim swore that his vision blackened out and he saw stars.
"Damn it, Jim," Bones mumbled, without any of his usual vigor or snarl. There was so much raw need in Bones' voice it had Jim leaning down for another hungry kiss. Bones' hand wrapped around him, and Jim moaned helplessly at the feeling of that long-fingered hand closing around him, tugging once, sharply, and running his thumb over the head.
"Bones, yes. God, just…there…"
Bones shut Jim up rather effectively by pulling him down for another kiss with his free hand, and unlike earlier there was nothing remotely hesitant or careful about the way he thrust his tongue into Jim's mouth and sucked on his lower lip.
Jim hadn't dwelled too often on how this scene between them could play out, mostly because he had convinced himself true and well that it was never going to happen. But the few times he had indulged in that particular fantasy, it had always involved time, and languid exploration of one another without any haste. Those fantasies hadn't exactly involved an almost desperate rutting against one another on a sofa that was altogether too narrow and uncomfortable for these things, but Jim couldn't help it.
It was all too much, and the sheer physical need to be as close to Bones as possible, the need for more and now and never stop, please never stop, was too overwhelming. Jim's own hand had joined Bones' between their bodies, stroking Bones in time with the movement of Bones' fingers over his own cock and the desperate thrusting of their hips.
Jim's mind was a tumble of words and sensations he couldn't ever possibly find words for, and the only clear thought he had was a stream of words somewhere in the vicinity of Bones, please don't stop, never stop, been waiting for this for so long, please don't let go. Bones' lips pressed against his in a surprisingly gentle and tender kiss.
"I won't," he whispered, and only then did Jim realize that he had said the words out loud.
Bones' grip on him tightened and Jim wanted for this to last, he really wanted to, but it was all too much. It only took a few more strokes of Bones' hand, then Jim was tumbling over the edge, spine arching and his hips thrusting against Bones as he came. He was distantly aware of Bones thrusting into his hand, and the deep guttural groan as he came and spilled all over Jim's fingers.
Feeling suddenly boneless, as if all his joints and limbs had turned into rubber, Jim let himself sink onto Bones' chest, the rapid beating of the other man's heart a frantic but soothingly calming rhythm against his sternum. Settling himself between Bones' legs, one of Jim's hands almost automatically came to rest against Bones' hip while the other moved up, thumb drawing lazy circles against Bones' collarbone as Jim leaned in for a lazy, satisfied kiss.
He didn't want to think right now, didn't want to contemplate where all this left them, if this meant that things between them were finally resolved or if the next setback was only lurking around the corner, waiting for its chance to strike. He simply wanted to revel in this, allow himself to bask in the afterglow of what had just happened without having to think about consequences. Right now it was just him and Bones, with neither any physical obstacles nor any of those mental walls they had built between them, and if Jim had any say in it he wanted for it to remain that way.
A warm hand settled on the back of his neck, tenderly stroking through the sweat-matted hair as Jim settled his head into the crook of Bones' neck with a sigh.
"You fall asleep on top of me Jim, and I swear I'm gonna push you off the sofa."
Bones' voice was a low rumble in Jim's ear, a soft vibration he felt against his chest just as much as he heard it, and his lips drew up into a smile against Bones' skin. Truth was, he'd be entirely content to fall asleep like this, wrapped around Bones as tightly as possible. He didn't want to look up, much less get up - also because that would mean looking at Bones and facing the reaction to what they had just done.
He was nearly sure this meant what he thought it did. Nearly. Yet nearly wasn't absolutely, and Jim had never felt this exposed and open before after sex. Nudity was one thing, and not something Jim felt shy about, but that wasn't the issue. Jim didn't like being vulnerable; he didn't like to bare himself like that to others. But this was Bones, and what scared Jim wasn't that he was lying here naked, it was that he was laying it all open for Bones to see. No walls, no pretence, nothing. Just Jim, with each and every of his imperfections and flaws, but willing to give everything he had to Bones.
And all of a sudden Jim was horribly afraid that everything he had wasn't going to be enough.
After a few minutes, the hand against the back of Jim's neck stopped its soothing movement.
"Think there's any chance we could move this towards the shower and then maybe a bed before we're stuck together for good?"
Slowly, Jim raised his head, still not quite sure he was ready to face whatever he was going to see reflected in Bones' face. But whatever he had thought to find, when he found Bones looking at him with one eyebrow raised and his eyes sparkling with an underlying amusement that defied his scowl, something tight in Jim's chest loosened.
"Would it be so bad to be stuck with me?"
If possible, the eyebrow rose even higher.
"I love you, Jim, but if being stuck with you is a literal thing, I'm going to have to decline. The damn ship is gossiping enough about us without us having to call for someone to help un-stick our naked bodies."
Jim leaned up on one elbow, looking down at Bones and trying to gauge what he was thinking.
"We could take a shower, I guess. It's getting late, after all."
Bones nodded. "Sounds good."
"And then?"
Bones shrugged. "Sleep, probably. As you said, it's getting late."
It wasn't the answer Jim had been hoping for. Considering what they had just done, and that they were lying naked atop of each other with their bodies stuck together by sweat and semen, it was ridiculous how much courage Jim needed to draw up for his next question.
"Will you stay?"
Jim knew that he wasn't asking an easy thing of Bones. Chances were good that someone was going to see Bones coming out of Jim's quarters in the morning, and as Bones had said - the crew was already gossiping enough about them after the whole pretended marriage and subsequent fallout. Asking Bones to stay also meant asking him to accept that people were going to know he had stayed, with all implications. And despite the fact that they had just had sex, Jim was more than a little scared that he was asking too much.
Bones looked at him for a few seconds, then he smiled and pushed a strand of hair away from Jim's forehead.
"Yeah, Jim. I'll stay."
Then he leaned up to kiss Jim, lazily and achingly tender. And Jim decided to stop thinking so much and just let himself fall. Thinking was overrated, anyway, especially when Bones was lying naked beneath him and a hopefully mutual shower was looming somewhere not too far in the future.
For once, he maybe should stop thinking too much.
The End
Epilogue