Fic: Do I Love You So Much That I'm Willing To Let You Go
Title: Do I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go?
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy; with cameos by assorted other crewmembers
Warnings: Explicit sex (see rating), but no kinks
Author's Notes:
Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with Star Trek. Really. I promise. I don't own any of the lyrics or graphics either.
Summary: Sometimes, the biggest act of love is to let somebody go.
"Damn it, Jim!" Bones exploded. "That message was private! You had no damn right to snoop around in my private business! Of all the stupid, hare-brained things you've ever done, this…this one absolutely tops it all! You might be the Captain of this flying tin can, but that doesn't give you the right to do something like this!"
He had earned that, Jim knew it. But it didn't take the sting out of the words. Bones leaving was a bad enough prospect, but Bones leaving in anger…the thought clenched something in Jim's chest together so tightly that it was difficult to draw breath.
"You wouldn't tell me what the message was about."
And damn, didn't that sound pathetic. And judged by the expression on Bones' face, it had been the exact wrong thing to say.
"Of course I didn't, because it was none of your damn business!"
"If my CMO decides to leave the ship, that makes it my damn business!"
Bones threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "The moment I tell you that I'm going to leave you can start worrying about that, okay? But you have no right to go through my private messages and draw insane conclusions like that!"
But the words barely penetrated through the haze in Jim's mind.
"Don't tell me that what she's offering isn't exactly what you want! Don't tell me that you're not going to leave!"
Jim didn't like how his voice broke over those last words, and how it made him seem even more pathetic than he already was. Bones just looked at him for a few long seconds, then he breathed a deep sigh and his shoulders slumped as his anger visibly drained from him.
"I'm not leaving, Jim," he said softly, but Jim only shook his head.
For five days, all he had been able to think about was that Bones was going to leave. He was going to leave the Enterprise, and he was going to leave Jim. These thoughts had torn open something inside of him, and the pain from that was overshadowing all rational thought. Bones was leaving. He had to leave, because he was going to be so much happier back on Earth with Joanna than he was ever going to be up here in space with Jim. Bones was leaving, anything else just didn't make sense.
Hands grasping the wall behind himself for something to hold on to, Jim shook his head.
"But why?"
Bones seemed confused. "What why?"
"Why wouldn't you want to leave? You love Joanna, and I know that it's tearing you apart that you can't be there to watch her grow up. You hate being in space. And that job in Atlanta, it's the perfect opportunity for you. There's no reason you shouldn't go back to Earth. There's nothing here on the ship that can compete with what's waiting for you there."
There, it was out now. There was no reason for Bones to keep on denying that he'd have more to gain by leaving than he'd get from staying here. Jim felt as if everything that had kept him upright for the past couple of days had drained out of him, and he bonelessly sank down onto the small sofa.
For a few moments, the room was silent. Then there was the sound of boots squeaking on the floor, then Bones settled on the armchair facing Jim with a sigh.
"So let me get this straight. You've watched that video message from Jocelyn even though it was none of your business, and ever since then you've convinced yourself that I'm going to leave."
Jim shrugged. "It makes sense, doesn't it?"
"Not really, no." Bones sighed. "I still make my own decisions, for one. And another thing is that if you already were so sure that I was going to leave, why the hell didn't you talk to me? We're friends, damn it. Instead of brooding for days so that the entire crew notices that something's wrong with you, why didn't you just come to me?"
Jim forced out a laugh. "Yeah, right. Because you didn't start evading me the moment that message arrived."
"Now hold on a second. You've seen that message, so cut me some slack. It was a bit much to deal with all at once, and it's not as if you had been going out of your way to talk to me, either…"
"Besides," Jim interrupted him before he could say anything else, "that job offer from Atlanta arrived just a day later, and you made that unscheduled call to Joanna, so what good would talking have done?"
Those words were followed by a moment of silence, and when Jim thought he couldn't stand it anymore, he dared to look up and sneak a glance at the other man. Bones was looking at him with an expression Jim wasn't really able to define, and he immediately looked away again.
"I wasn't snooping around," he mumbled. "These things went through official channels. They had to go over my desk."
"I know." Bones breathed a heavy sigh and shifted uncomfortably on the armchair. "Jocelyn contacted the people in the Atlanta facility, and they sent the job offer. It's not the first time something like this has happened, and you've never worried about any of the other offers before. And that call to Joanna…that had other reasons entirely, Jim. It had nothing at all to do with Jocelyn's message. Jo doesn't even know anything about that yet."
It all didn't make sense. Just an hour ago, things had made sense in Jim's head. A cruel kind of sense, something Jim didn't think he could ever live with, but at least things had made sense. Now it was all just a confused mess in his head. He had the sudden urge to slam his head into a wall. Maybe if he only hit himself hard enough, the pieces would fall into place. Or he'd knock himself unconscious, and then it wouldn't matter anymore.
"But why? Why don't you want to go? It's everything you ever dreamed of."
Jim finally raised his head, though he still didn't look directly at the other man. But he did see how Bones was shaking his head from side to side, one hand buried in his short hair.
"Okay, let's get the unimportant stuff out of the way first. I've never once considered that job offer from Atlanta. It's…it's not my thing, okay?"
"Yeah, right. Because showing your genius in the one field you really excel in is not your thing. Because doing the work you like without having to bother with all those stupid and mundane injuries you always complain about is not your thing. Being on Earth is not your thing because everybody knows you love space so much."
Bones drew a deep breath. "I like my job, okay? And yes, this crew consists nearly entirely of morons who use every single opportunity to get themselves mauled, burned, shot, stabbed or broken in a thousand other ways, but that doesn't mean I think I'm above treating them, or that my calling is something else. I actually like this crew even though most of them have no consideration for their own health whatsoever. Besides, who would patch all of you up again if I wasn't around anymore? And if you think being CMO on this ship isn't challenging, then you got another thing coming. Do you really think I'd be happy locked away in a lab all day long, with Starfleet officials breathing down my neck and watching my every move? I became a doctor because I wanted to treat people, not because I wanted to do research for the rest of my life."
"But you're good at research."
"I'm also good at Tallassian Poker, but I'm not planning on making a career out of that, either."
Jim shook his head. "That's different. Besides, you went to space to escape Jocelyn and that whole mess of the divorce, nothing else. Now she offers you everything you had to leave behind back again. You'd be stupid not to take it."
Bones looked as if he wasn't sure whether to laugh or tear at his hair in frustration.
"Maybe you're not considering the most important point."
"What's that?"
"Maybe I don't want all that back."
"Then you're crazy. Jocelyn and you finally get along. And she's gorgeous, you have to admit that. Hell, you've been in love with her before, you can't tell me that there's nothing left of that."
Bones threw his hands in the air as frustration clearly won the battle for dominance.
"What do you want me to say? That a part of me will always love her, or some other romantic bullshit like that? Of course I know Jocelyn is a beautiful woman. I'm not blind, okay? And of course I still remember what it felt like to be in love with her. It wasn't all fighting and yelling like it was towards the end. We were happy, we were in love, and we were good together. I haven't forgotten what that feels like. But I also haven't forgotten what it felt like when the whole thing went down the drain. And those are not really the kind of memories I like to look back on at all. It's good that she and I have finally found some middle ground, and that we're getting along better now, but that doesn't mean I want her back, no matter how gorgeous or not she might be. I moved on, Jim, why is that so hard to understand?"
Because Jim couldn't understand that someone would give up all that which Jocelyn offered to Bones for the sake of staying in a place he hated. Because it was hard to imagine that Bones would chose this life over being happy with his daughter. Because it was impossible that he would chose Jim over all that.
"Jim?"
It cost a lot of effort to look up at the other man. Bones still had that unreadable expression on his face, and it was hard to suddenly no longer know what was going on in his friend's head.
"What?"
"Why are you so hung up on all this? Okay, so you misunderstood Jocelyn's message and drew a few wrong conclusions. That's one thing. But I tell you that you got worked up over nothing and it's like you haven't even heard me. Why are you so dead set on the fact that I'm going to leave? It's almost as if you want me to say yes to Jocelyn's offer."
Jim drew a deep breath, but released it again without saying anything. He couldn't. He didn't want Bones to leave, not ever. But more than anything, he wanted for Bones to be happy. And it was simply so obvious that Bones was going to be so much happier at home, with his daughter. But there was no way he could put all that into words.
"Jim?"
Jim shook his head, not trusting his voice to speak without breaking. But Bones wasn't going to let go without an answer, he knew that as well. So he cleared his throat and drew another deep breath before he dared to speak.
"I don't want you to go. But it's Joanna."
"What about her?"
"Everything. For over five years, you've been telling me that you miss her, and how much you hate not being around her. And now you got the chance to have her back and you want to tell me that you're not going to go for it?"
Bones leaned back in his armchair as if he didn't know what to make of that question. He pressed his hands together and leaned his forehead against them, deep in thought.
"I don't know what you want to hear, Jim. And I have no idea why you're so hung up on something that has nothing to do with you in the first place."
Those words stung even more than some of Bones' earlier, much harsher, words had. It had nothing to do with Jim. Of course not. Because even if Bones decided to stay, Jim wasn't the reason for that.
"I told you, I don't want you to go. But she's the most important person in your entire life. I can't compete with that."
The frown was back on Bones' face.
"Who says you have to?"
Jim sighed in frustration and got up from the sofa. He needed to move, needed to try and pace away some of the tension that was eating him up from the inside.
"Nobody. I know that I can't. But I also know that you'll be happier with Joanna than you're ever going with m…up here in space. I don't want you to regret that you didn't take the chance when you had it."
Bones looked up to where Jim was pacing, and even when Jim didn't look at him he could feel the other man's gaze burning holes in his back. This was all not going the way Jim had imagined it. Either Bones was leaving or not, but this conversation was so weird that Jim no longer knew what was what. His near slipping up just now didn't help, either.
Bones seemed tired as he took his hands away from his face and looked up at Jim. That straight-on gaze Jim could already barely deal with. Worse was that Bones also got up, compromising that distance Jim had so carefully constructed between them.
"Okay, first things first. I still don't get why you work yourself up so badly about all this that you essentially lock yourself in your room and brood all day long for nearly a week. But trust me that I've spend quite a lot of time thinking about this over the past week. Of course I love Joanna. More than anything. And I miss her every single day. But…I wouldn't be happier on Earth. In fact I think I would be the exact opposite of happy, and that wouldn't be good for either her or me."
Jim was shaking his head again, but Bones didn't let him get a word in between.
"I'm serious. Believe it or not, I actually like my job on this ship, moronic crew and absolutely insane working hours notwithstanding. How you came up with the completely idiotic idea that you'd have to compete against anything in order to make me stay is beyond me."
Jim didn't want to say anything, but his mouth had other ideas than his brain.
"That message sounded like an offer for everything you ever wanted. And I didn't want you to go. I don't want you to go. I just didn't see any incentive for you to stay. That job offer sounded brilliant, you could have Joanna, and this thing between us…"
He cut himself off, not daring to look at Bones just then. But of course the other man had heard Jim's words.
"What thing, Jim? Because if you're talking about our friendship, then let me tell you that it played a big part in why I even considered a posting on a starship when I could have as well applied for a posting on a Starbase somewhere on a safe planet. So if you start doubting the strength of that, you're an idiot. But if you're talking about the fact that there's been something more to us than mere friendship for the past couple of months, then I think we're long overdue on a little talk about that."
So this was it, Jim thought. This was the point where Bones came to his senses and told him that they couldn't go on like that. Jim was grateful that Bones had no intention of leaving Enterprise, but he didn't want him to stay if things were going to be awkward or tense between them. Jim didn't want their friendship to change under the strain of the fact that he wanted more than Bones was willing to give.
"I…I understand if you want to break this up."
And even saying these words was tearing Jim up inside, because it was a blatant lie. He didn't understand. He didn't want Bones to break this whatever it was between them off again. But he was willing to do anything to salvage their friendship, even if that meant he was never again going to be anything more to the other man.
Bones however was doing that thing again where his eyebrow tried to disappear behind his hairline, and the eye-roll he gave was one of monumental proportions.
"I have no idea what state you worked yourself into, Jim, but you've got to snap out of it. I know that normally you're not that slow on the uptake. If I didn't want this, it wouldn't have happened again after that drunken first time. That's really not the issue here. It's just that…do you really think we can go on like that?"
The breath caught in Jim's throat at those words and he slowly turned around to face the other man.
"What do you mean?"
"Seriously, I'm this close to taking you off duty for being a moron. And if there is no Starfleet regulation for that, trust me that I'm going to make one up. Just use that oversized brain of yours for thinking once, would you? Didn't you think that other than the fact that I actually like this job even though I never thought I would, there might be another reason why I don't want to leave Enterprise?"
Jim swallowed against his suddenly dry throat. "Not really, no."
Bones sighed. "Of course not. So you probably didn't think it might have something to do with you, either."
Jim shook his head, and suddenly Bones was there, right in front of him, right in his personal space. They had been this close before. Closer even, and with no clothes between them, but that had been different. This was a different kind of proximity, one that had Jim's heart beat a frantic tattoo against the inside of his chest and made him want to turn around and run for fear that he was reading this all wrong. The only reason why Jim didn't turn around and run was Bones' steady gaze on him, and the thought flashed through Jim's mind that Bones was far more courageous than he was.
"No…" Jim breathed out, his voice breaking slightly over that syllable. Bones was so close that Jim could feel his breath against his own face. And then that quick brush of exhaled air was replaced by a warm, solid hand that cupped his cheek, and Jim unconsciously leaned into the contact as Bones' thumb moved gently over his cheekbone.
"God, but you're an idiot," Bones exhaled, and even if Jim had an answer to that, it would have been cut off by Bones' lips closing over his own. It didn't only shut him up from one second to the next, it short-circuited his entire brain so that the only coherent thoughts he could come up with were yes and Bones and finally. It was…it defied all description, even though it was just a kiss, and Jim knew, distantly and rationally, that a simple kiss didn't hold the power to shift an entire universe.
Only, this one did. Not the universe, the endless space they were drifting through each and every day, no. But Jim's very own universe, the fictitious state containing everything that touched his life, be it on the margin or right there dead-center, that universe had needed the feeling of Bones' lips on his to finally spin on its axis - not again, but maybe for the first time in his entire life.
Why hadn't they done this before?
Because they had been blind and stupid, focused on urges and desire when they should have seen the true feelings behind those. Because they had been too proud (and maybe too stupid) to admit to the fact that they wanted more than what they already knew they had. And probably the main reason was that they had been too afraid to lose each other.
Bones' tongue gently traced the curve of Jim's lip and he opened up to him, because suddenly it was the most natural thing in the world, and not kissing Bones would be stupid, a waste of time and should be officially considered a crime.
Jim moaned as their tongues met and started moving against one another. It all felt so natural, so absolutely fucking right that Jim never wanted for it to stop. If all this was a dream, he didn't want to be torn out of it. Ever.
Jim wrapped his own hands into Bones' hair, pulling him even closer even though there was barely any space between them, and even as the need for oxygen finally broke them apart he held on, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against Bones' as he listened to the soundtrack of his rapidly beating heart.
"Bones…"
It sounded hoarse and breathless, and it felt like a prayer, a thank you and a promise all wrapped into one syllable.
"Been wanting to do that for ages."
Bones didn't sound much better than Jim did, just as breathless and helpless in the face of what they were doing, and it calmed Jim a little to hear that.
"Why didn't you?"
Bones drew back his head - not much, just far away that he could look Jim in the eyes. Jim looked at him, really looked at his friend for the first time in a long time, without bothering to force back all the feelings that rose up inside of him, and something in his stomach gave a funny lurch. Bones' eyes were half-lidded, long lashes Jim had never noticed before framing that hazel gaze, and there was a flush to his face that seemed to spread from his cheeks all the way to his full, slightly reddened lips.
"You're kidding, right? Jim you…you don't do relationships. You never did. I'm still not entirely sure you do."
Jim didn't know the answer to that himself, all he knew was that he wanted to be with Bones, and he wasn't overly worried about what to label this between them, because their friendship was already the longest lasting relationship in Jim's life, anyway, and he didn't want it any other way.
"I…some things, they just feel right. Like they're worth taking a leap of faith for."
Bones smiled - and how could Jim have missed the way Bones' eyes lit up when he smiled before? - swiping over Jim's cheek with the thumb of his hand that still rested against it. Bones' other hand was resting against Jim's hip, the tips of his fingers warm against Jim's skin where they had slipped under the hem of his shirt. Jim untangled one hand from Bones' hair and slid it down until it rested in the center of Bones' broad back.
The smile on Bones' face widened, and this time it was Jim who pulled him in again, already missing the feeling of the other man's lips on his like a missing limb.
This time, the kiss was not as hesitant and careful as the first. Jim's hands started to wander of their own volition, stroking over Bones' back and finally, blissfully sneaking under the other man's shirt. Bones' skin was hot under his touch, and he moaned loudly into Jim's mouth as Jim gently traced his fingers up and down the curve of his spine.
"Jim…" Bones breathed, breaking their kiss for a second to exchange small tender nips to Jim's lower lip. "I…this…"
"I know…" Jim mouthed back before he pressed his lips to the other man's again. He was just as overwhelmed as Bones sounded, unable to deal with all those feelings inside of him other than just let himself fall into the sensation as Bones' tongue worked its way into his mouth while his fingers seemed to be everywhere at once.
It was different than all these times before, brand-new even though it wasn't the first time that his hands ran over Bones' skin, not the first time that he frantically tugged at fabric in a silent plea to get it off and out of the way. Jim was reluctant to break apart, but the deft way Bones pulled Jim's shirt over his head was a small satisfaction because it showed the same urgency Jim was feeling.
That urgency had been a trademark of all their previous encounters, but this time there was a different quality to it all. This time, Jim didn't hold back all those small things that he had previously been afraid would give away just how he was feeling about his best friend. Now there was no need to suppress the desire to tenderly kiss his way down the side of Bones' jaw, tongue flicking out to taste the slightly salty skin down Bones' neck as the other man's pulse thrummed directly under his tongue.
Bones' moan, so deep and guttural that it was nearly a growl, was Jim's undoing. His feet were moving on their own volition as they both pushed and pulled each other towards the bed. Bones shrugged all the way out of his shirt as they all but tumbled to the bed atop the sheets, and immediately Jim pressed his lips against Bones' again, meeting his tongue halfway between their mouths as he shifted atop the other man.
"Jim…" Bones moaned, hands moving down Jim's back until his fingers tantalizingly slipped beneath the waistband of Jim's pants. The hoarse voice sent shivers down Jim's spine that had nothing to do with the feeling of those hands moving over his skin, and the thought that he was the reason Bones sounded like that, that he could undo Bones like that, was thrilling and exciting and went straight into his groin.
Shifting on the bed, he brought their bodies together, his erection grinding against the fabric-clad bulge in Bones' pants. Bones threw his head back and moaned at the friction, and both hands moved towards Jim's hips to pull him down harder. The grinding was wonderful, but it was too much, too soon, and Jim wanted this to last.
So when Bones' grip around his hips tightened and he flipped them over, Jim went along with the movement even if it forced their bodies apart again. Bones straddled him, knees bracketing Jim's hips, and the mere sight overloaded Jim's senses. Bones looked positively wanton, eyes dark and pupils blown wide with arousal, lips moist, slightly parted, and red from kissing.
"God, Bones, I…"
When words failed him, Jim pulled the other man down, angling for another kiss - because he had realized he could keep doing that all day long, and he had a lot of catching up to do - but somewhere along the way Bones changed trajectory and his mouth ended up at the hollow of Jim's throat, kissing and tonguing the sensitive flesh there. Jim's hands were buried in Bones' hair again and a moan tore free as he threw back his head and let Bones work his magic. Apparently though, Bones wasn't content with that one spot, and his mouth started moving over the skin of Jim's chest, leaving tender kisses and small, playful bites along the way.
It was nothing they hadn't done before, yet so completely and utterly different at the same time. During the previous times they had slept together, there had been an aggressive undertone to it, a selfish desire to fulfill urges on both parts because they both hadn't given in to what they really wanted.
Now those barriers had been torn down, and Jim felt as if his whole body was on fire where Bones hands and lips touched him. When those hands reached the hem of his pants - pants which were far too tight by now - Jim jerked his hips up in a silent plea. Bones smirked, downright smirked, the bastard, but his own impatience seemed to win out because he deftly undid button and zipper and urged Jim to raise his hips. Jim complied only too eagerly, unable to hold back another keening moan as fabric scratched over his all too sensitive flesh, and the cool air of the bedroom felt like a blessed relief against the scorching heat.
This wouldn't do. Him naked while Bones was still dressed from the waist down absolutely wouldn't do. Not for any longer.
Bones seemed surprised when Jim tried to shrug all the way out of his clothes while Bones was still straddling him and at the same time he reached for the button of Bones' own pants with fingers that were shaking ever so slightly. It was probably a physical impossibility what Jim was trying to achieve, but damn it, he needed Bones naked right now, and he had a thing for doing the impossible. It looked clumsy and probably lacked all elegance, but right now Jim didn't care if it looked as if he had never even tried to do this before. It got Bones naked, and in the end that was all that counted.
Skin.
There was just so much skin in Jim's sight now that was only waiting to be explored and discovered anew. Bones was tanned and smooth on his shoulders and arms, skin taut over the enticing movement of the muscles underneath. Jim loved to run his fingers over it and watch the skin shift as Bones' muscles twitched in response - all the way from Bones' arms and shoulders down his chest and down his stomach, past his bellybutton and along the thin trail of hair that started there. The tan faded towards Bones' waistline even if the muscles didn't. He kept in good shape, something the uniform shirts were hiding pretty well, and as Jim gently, almost reverently ran his fingers down the defined ridges, Bones hissed and jerked his hips towards Jim. One of Bones' hands unerringly reached for Jim's cock, long fingers wrapping around the hard flesh. Jim squeezed his eyes tightly shut as a thumb rubbed over the head, but before Jim could settle into a rhythm, before he could even think about jerking his hips back against that wonderfully tight friction, Bones released his grip again.
It was too much, the anticipation was overwhelming and Jim's heart was beating so fast that he thought it was trying to burst free. Something inside of Jim snapped and he pushed Bones back onto the bed, practically jumping him as he crushed their mouths together once more. Those kisses were addictive, all lips and tongue and Bones, pure Bones as they tumbled onto the bed together. There was nothing but skin on skin, and the feeling of their erections grounding together was like an electric current running through Jim's entire body, short-circuiting a couple of brain synapses along the way.
Too much. There were so many things Jim wanted to do and try out now that he no longer needed to hold anything back, but his whole body was thrumming with need and his brain was capable of nothing but one single thought.
He didn't want to break the kiss, never ever wanted to stop kissing Bones again, but he managed to tear himself away long enough to voice the one thing that was on his mind.
"Want you."
Bones' eyes were just a thin ring of hazel around a wide-blown black pupils, and if that was even possible, they widened even further as Jim's words penetrated through the lust-filled haze in his mind. As if to emphasize his point, Jim ground his hips against Bones. Eyes snapped shut at the friction and Bones let his head fall back onto the mattress with a loud groan.
"Jim…"
It was a guttural growl, and it went straight into Jim's groin, as if his ears were hardwired straight to his cock whenever Bones was talking. Especially when Bones was groaning his name like that. Jim wanted to hear it again and again. But even more than that, he wanted to feel Bones inside of him. Now.
"Bones. Please."
It must have been the tone of his voice that had Bones surging up to bring their mouths together again, both hands on Jim's ass and squeezing tightly as he flipped them over.
Jim didn't know what to do with his hands. There was a moment of shifting and groping in the bedside table and then he was spreading open for Bones, willingly opening up to the other man. And it wasn't the first time, but it sure felt like the first time that he offered himself up this completely, without reservation or hesitation.
The anticipation of what was about to happen now was sending thrills through his body, but kneeling between his legs as he was now, Bones was too far away to reach. Too far away to stroke or hold, let alone kiss, and Jim wished that the other man would just hurry the hell up so that Jim could feel him all over again.
But Bones was patient, and meticulous, and very insistent on preparing Jim. First one lubricated finger slid into him, which Jim welcomed and ground back against, and Jim was sure the second finger that followed was enough, that the way those fingers were moving and scissoring was plenty of preparation for Bones to finally enter him, but Jim was helpless to speed things up on his own. Bones tried to pacify him with a kiss to his thigh - patience Jim, don't want to hurt you, never hurt you - and then slid a third finger into Jim. Jim screwed his eyes shut, hips jerking back against those fingers as if they had a mind of their own. It was good, that feeling of Bones' fingers moving inside of him, the warmth of Bones' other hand against his thigh, holding Jim open with a pressure that was so gentle it was almost tender, yet unyielding at the same time.
Jim wanted more. He needed more, and he needed it now, no matter what Bones thought about whether or not Jim was ready. Jim knew he was, and that was enough. Bones had been too far away for far too long, and that simply wouldn't do.
Jim shifted, a keening moan that would have been embarrassing under any other circumstances slipping from his mouth as those fingers withdrew, and then he was scrambling into a sitting position, his fingers grasping blindly for the small bottle Bones had discarded somewhere amidst the sheets. And screw whether the sheets were getting dirty or not, Jim squeezed a generous amount of lube onto his hands and then simply tossed the opened bottle away, too intent on finally touching Bones to care about anything as mundane as soiled sheets.
Jim was hard, so hard that he thought he wouldn't last long if anybody were to touch him now, but Bones wasn't faring much different. He gasped as Jim wrapped his fingers around the hard flesh, and Jim could have kept on stroking like this for the entire night, lost in the feeling of Bones in his hands, hard and leaking, in the sounds of the small sighs and moans his movements produced. It was intoxicating and addictive, and Jim couldn't control himself anymore. The only thing he could think of was the feeling of Bones in his hand, and how he could never get enough of that.
Jim was only torn out his movements when lips crushed against his, and this time there was nothing even remotely romantic or tender about the kiss, or about the way Bones' tongue forced its way into Jim's mouth.
"Want you…" It was barely more than a breathless pant between kisses. "God, Jim…so much…need you now…"
They could have been at it already if Bones hadn't been so intent on drawing this out, but Jim was too incoherent to care right now. He pulled Bones along with him as he lay back on the bed, clutching at him as if he was afraid the other man was going to leave if he let go. Bones didn't seem as if he had any intention of going anywhere, but Jim couldn't unclench his fingers from Bones' back, even as Bones shifted and Jim felt the pressure as he started to push inside.
There was pain. There always was when Bones entered him, no matter how careful he tried to prepare Jim. But this time Jim reveled in the slightly burning sensation as Bones slid into him, slowly but steadily until he was buried in all the way and stopped moving.
Jim wanted to stay like this forever, and screw everything else. This was all he needed, him and Bones, connected as close as two human beings could possibly be. He wanted to be like this and kiss Bones and then the rest of the world wouldn't matter anymore. Just him and Bones, joined in this ultimate way.
Jim knew that Bones was giving him time to adjust, was trying to distract Jim with tender kisses from the pain his entry had caused - because of course Bones knew. Bones knew Jim, and he damn well knew when Jim was in pain, so there was no reason to even try and hide it. But Jim was a big boy, he could take a little pain, and if Bones only started moving then it would be over soon, anyway. He needed Bones to move, but instead the anticipation grew with every second Bones waited, every time he leaned in for another kiss instead of finally thrusting his hips the way Jim wanted him to.
And then finally Bones was moving, and Jim's tenuous hold on coherency slipped entirely. There was nothing but the feeling of Bones moving inside of him, of those electric currents running through his entire body whenever he angled his thrusts and hit that one spot just right, nothing but the feeling of Bones' skin under Jim's fingers as he clutched, stroked, and held on for dear life while Bones thrust in and out of him as if he was trying to meld them into one.
"Bones…" Jim moaned, reduced to that one syllable even as his hands reached for Bones' hips, fingers skimming over heated and swear-slick skin until he found purchase on Bones' ass and pulled him down hard.
"God, Jim." Bones did a twist with his hips that had Jim seeing stars, and Jim latched onto Bones' shoulder, lapping at and suckling the warm, salty skin over the indent of Bones' collarbone even as Bones increased the speed of his thrusts. Jim was acting purely on instinct as they moved with and atop and inside of each other as if it was the only thing that mattered in the world.
To Jim it was.
There was nothing more important than this, right here, right now, and the way it made him feel. The way it made Bones feel, if the breathy moans and small grunts, or the way he was whispering Jim's name again and again were any indication.
Jim didn't know where to put his hands next, too big was his desire to touch as many different places on Bones' body as quickly as possible. There was skin and muscle and lips and hair, hair that Jim's hands finally tangled in as a hand wrapped around his achingly hard cock and began stroking him in time with Bones' thrusts.
He was too far gone, he could only let himself fall into this and go wherever it took him. Bones' hand on him was that last push towards the edge he had needed, and then as Bones did a twist with his hand, a flick of thumb against the underside of Jim's cock that had Jim seeing fucking stars, and then Jim was tumbling. He was falling over the edge, too focused on the intensity of that feeling to notice anything beyond it. He was falling, flying through the endless and weightless expanse of space as Bones followed him over the edge. Jim dissolved the moment he felt Bones' climax, exploded into a thousand pieces that were falling apart only to reassemble again the fragment of a second later, shaping him into the same old Jim, only that from now on he was forever going to carry a little bit of Bones with him, like a brand on his soul.
It was too intense, too much to take in at once. Jim knew about mind-blowing sex, but this…he hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected for the feelings to be so overwhelming that he could only hang on until his brain and his body somehow caught up with one another again. It felt like floating, like riding a giant wave until it crested and pulled him under water where everything was muted, where there was no up or down, nothing but the feeling of complete and utter contentment. He could stay like this, float forever in this blissful oblivion. The next thing Jim became aware of was Bones' weight warm and comfortably atop of him, ribcage heaving against Jim's, his hurried and panting breaths gushing hotly over the skin of Jim's neck.
"God…Bones…"
Bones slowly lifted his head, as if the movement required strength he needed to draw up from somewhere deep inside. The hazel in his eyes was more prominent now than it had been minutes ago when his eyes had been blown wide with lust. Now he just looked at Jim for a few beats, sated and content, before his eyes dropped close and he let his forehead sink against Jim's with a sigh.
This was what Jim had always wanted.
This was what he had felt cheated out of before, when it had just been about the sex. This proximity, the fact that Bones stayed when previously he had withdrawn far too quickly. One of Jim's hands was still tangled in Bones' hair, and suddenly it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to draw him in for a kiss, and he met no resistance as he did so. The kiss was lazy and satisfied, a gentle shift of lips and tongue with no further intention behind it other than to stay connected like this for as long as possible.
When Bones started to shift and withdrew, it was still too soon for Jim's liking. But he saw the notion of discomfort on Bones' face, so no matter how reluctant he was, he didn't protest as Bones withdrew.
This time, it wasn't the signal that whatever had happened was over and they could both go back to pretending that they were just friends. This time, Bones settled beside him, body warm as he stretched out alongside Jim, and suddenly Jim knew, with aching clarity, that this was what he wanted - Bones beside him, just like this. Every single day, if possible. Maybe he was angling too high with this. Having high expectations had never worked out in his life. It had only ever brought disappointment, and had Jim not been unwilling to invest himself in any kind of long-lasting relationship based on real emotions until now, it would have also broken his heart a few times over again.
So where were they going from here? It wasn't as if Bones had said anything committal about what this made them. Lovers? A couple? Still nothing more than friends with benefits? Jim didn't know, even though he hoped desperately that this meant what he thought it did. He simply didn't know, but despite all these doubts it was as if his body was acting on its own volition as he curled up around Bones, one leg shifting to move between the other man's as he moved into the comfortable burrow against Bones' side and leaned his head into the crook of his neck. Whatever this was, between them, Jim was going to take whatever he could get.
Bones chuckled as he wrapped his arm around Jim and pulled him even closer.
"Didn't know you were a cuddler."
Truth be told, neither had Jim. Not really. Post-coital clinging together had always been a thing he had endured rather than initiated.
"I don't know." He tried to shrug, but gave up halfway through. "It never felt like this before, either."
One of Bones' hands went into Jim's hair and pulled his head more tightly against him. In that moment, Jim was nearly sure. Nearly.
"You didn't give me an answer earlier."
"Huh?"
Earlier. Well, that was precise. There had been a lot of talking earlier, and it was going to take a little while until Jim was going to remember it all. Not so quickly after sex, definitely not. Especially not when Bones' hand moved from the back of his head down to his neck, squeezing gently before it started trailing up and down his spine in a soothing, almost hypnotic movement.
"When I said I wasn't sure you were someone who does relationships."
Jim was taken aback for a second. "Is that what you want?"
"What, you think I'm here because your bed is more comfortable than mine? Why else would I ask? But I want us to be on the same page about it. I…I want us to have the same expectations about it."
And Jim wanted to throw his head back and laugh, because it all seemed so easy. He had no idea what all of Bones' expectations were, and that kind of commitment scared the bejesus out of him. He had never tried it before, had never been ready to let anyone get close enough to try. But this was Bones. The one person who already knew most of the dark things lurking in his past. The one who had seen him at his worst. If Bones hadn't run by now but instead was still willing to give this between them a chance, Jim was damn willing to give it a try. No, not a try. He was willing to give it all he got, and then some.
He just had no idea how to put that into words.
"I…I don't want to screw this up."
Bones forehead frowned in confusion, but then the lines eased as if the answer to that problem couldn't be any simpler.
"Then don't."
And Jim didn't know whether to laugh, or to start wondering if the other man was losing his mind.
"I don't exactly have a track record of not screwing things up, you know?"
Bones shrugged, and when the movement jostled Jim's head from is position against his shoulder he immediately reached out and pulled him close again.
"Five years and counting, and neither of us managed to screw up this friendship. I'd say that's a good start. We'll figure out the rest as we go along." He pulled his head back so that he could look into Jim's eyes, then he leaned in and pressed another tender kiss to Jim's lips. "I just need to know that we both want this, and exclusively."
If monogamy was what Bones was worried about, then he didn't have to worry. It wasn't as if Jim had been able to think about anybody else over the past months, and now that he finally had Bones completely he wasn't going to be stupid enough to throw it away. So that answer was ridiculously simple. Hell yeah, he wanted this. Exclusively. And for as long as possible. Preferably indefinitely.
Jim pressed his face more firmly against Bones' chest, torn between the desire to kiss it, and that to nip and bite at the flesh and then soothe the irritation with his tongue. He settled for a few quick and tender kisses before he turned and looked up into the hazel eyes that were watching him attentively.
"Sounds perfect."
And finally, as if that had been what he had been waiting to hear, Bones smiled. "Good. That's all I need to know."
It sounded so easy. Much too easy. Jim didn't really trust those things, because too easy had too often turned out to mean too good to be true in the past.
Jim curled up closer, still confused by but not doubting this sudden desire to be as close as possible to the other man.
"What are you going to tell Jocelyn?"
And in all honesty, that was the one question that still scared Jim, the one doubt that didn't quite stop nagging at him. But if any of the ease of Bones' shrug was faked, he was a far better actor than Jim thought he was.
"The truth. That I moved on. If she really cares about me, then she'll understand."
"And Jo?"
A bit of the smile died from Bones' face, but it didn't vanish entirely. It hardly ever did when his daughter was on his mind.
"She knows that I love her, and that she's the most important person in my entire life. And I'm not out of her life, even if it's video messages and letters for the most part now. But she tells me that she's proud of me and what we're doing up here every time we talk, and I'll just have to rely that it's enough. I don't know what will be when our five years are up, but right now this is what's right for me. And I think I'm lucky enough to have a daughter who's smart enough to understand that."
Jim looked at Bones for a long moment, trying to detect the lie in that statement, or any other sign that he was being less than completely honest with him. But no matter how hard he searched, he didn't find anything. Bones raised an eyebrow and used a thumb to gently smooth out the frown lines on Jim's forehead.
"That call I made…"
Jim was confused. "Which one?"
Moving his hand from Jim's forehead so that it was cupping Jim's cheek, Bones continued. "The one to Joanna, which had you thinking I was telling her I'd come home."
"Yeah, I remember."
"I want you to meet her."
Once the words sunk in, Jim was so startled that he raised his head from its position on Bones' chest and just stared at the other man. Because he couldn't have possibly heard right.
"You want me to what?"
Bones shrugged, even though a slight notion of insecurity was showing on his face.
"Meet her. If you want to, of course."
But Jim still couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.
"You want me to meet Joanna. Your daughter."
"Yes. You're acting as if I had suggested something indecent."
Jim shook his head. "No, of course not. It's just that…Bones, I've never even been around when you talk to her. That time is so damn important to you."
"So are you."
Three simple words, and they humbled Jim like nothing else ever had. But if Bones noticed the slight blush to his cheeks, he didn't let it on.
"I want the two most important people in my life to finally get to know each other. And Jo is thrilled about the idea, which admittedly might have something to do with the fact that she'll be the coolest girl in the entire fourth grade if she can brag about having met Captain James T. Kirk. But…I've been telling her a lot about you over the past years, and she really wants to meet you. So if you can manage to get to Georgia for a day during shore leave, she'd love that." And, more timidly, he added. "Me, too."
And suddenly Jim understood that Bones was babbling because he was nervous, that he might even be worried Jim would not want to meet Joanna, which was just ridiculous. Quickly, Jim scrambled to his knees and pressed a quick kiss to Bones' lips.
"Of course I want to meet her. I'd love to. I just never thought you'd want that. You don't have enough time with her as it is."
"I want the two of you to meet. And I want her to know the truth. I don't see her often enough for keeping secrets. I don't want to have to hide how I feel from her."
Had anybody else said something like this to him, Jim would have been running to the farthest end of the galaxy at warp speed by now. But again - this was Bones. With Bones, it still startled him how much the other man wanted to include him in his life. It even scared him a little. But it also felt like a display of trust, something Jim didn't want to disappoint. Even more, something Jim found he wanted to try and give his best for.
"It's not like I got anything planned for shore leave, anyway."
A smirk showed on Bones' face. "You'd be sitting in that damn chair of yours the entire time we're in space dock if nobody drags you out of this tin can."
"I'll have you know that the chair has been built for comfort, and that there's nothing wrong with actually enjoying your job."
Bones rolled his eyes, running a finger down Jim's ribs as Jim settled his head beside him on the pillow. He leaned in for another kiss, and Jim couldn't help but press closer somewhat greedily. When they broke apart, Bones cupped Jim's cheek again.
"No, but there's something wrong with skipping meals on a regular basis. So we'll be going to the mess for dinner later, and don't even think about arguing with me."
Jim felt a smile creep onto his face.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea."
Bones' eyebrows started one of their complicated dances again. "Why's that?"
"I'm not too sure I can keep my hands off you. I'm fairly sure I can't stop kissing you." As if to prove his point, Jim pressed his lips against Bones' again, tongue darting out to lick teasingly at the full lower lip. "And I'm absolutely sure we both look like we just had mind-blowing sex, which everyone who sees us is going to notice."
Much to Jim's surprise, Bones only shrugged. "So let them notice. As clever as this crew allegedly is, someone's bound to find out sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with before Scotty sets up a betting pool."
Bones was serious about this. Jim didn't know how or why, but Bones was really serious about this.
And it was really true that he couldn't stop himself from kissing Bones. Once more his lips found their way onto Bones' as he kissed him with total abandon. Bones was pliant under him as Jim shifted atop, hands buried in Bones' tousled dark hair as Bones shifted beneath him, hands coming up against Jim's sides to sneak around Jim's back.
Because really, the entire crew could know about him and Bones for all that he cared. He didn't want to hide a thing.
"We're going to need a shower first, though," Jim said as he withdrew and pressed his face against Bones' neck. And his sheets definitely needed changing before anybody was going to sleep in this bed. But that could wait a little longer. Jim didn't want to get up again, not just yet. And judged by the way Bones was pulling him closer, shifting beneath him until they both were comfortable, neither did he. With a content sigh, Jim nuzzled his face against Bones' neck and closed his eyes, content under the soothing movement of Bones' hand against his back.
"You know," Bones said, his voice a deep rumble in Jim's ear and against his skin, "if you organized any farewell parties, now might be a good time to cancel them."
Despite himself, Jim chuckled, something he would have thought impossible just a few hours ago.
"No, nothing of the sort."
"Good. Because if just a single crewmember wishes me all the best for my future, or if the hobgoblin delivers some sort of speech I'm obliged to listen to, there will be hyposprays in your future. Many, many hyposprays."
Jim laughed. "You can poke me as much as you want, as long as you kiss it better. But there's no party. I wasn't exactly in the mood to celebrate the fact that you were going away."
Strong arms tightened around his back. "I'm not going anywhere, Jim. I'm right where I want to be."
And really, there was nothing else to add to that. Jim was right where he wanted to be, too. He was with Bones, and that meant he was home.
...
...
Maybe it's intutition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life.
There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for.
I think I've found my way home.
THE END
Lyrics used (in order of appearance:
REO Speedwagon: I can't fight this feeling anymore
Meat Loaf: Did I say that?
Backstreet Boys: Incomplete
Savage Garden: I knew I loved you.
Original prompt: K/B happy ending, Jim bottoms. I'm a sucker for insecure, madly in love Jim stories, so anything that has him all frantic and angsty is terrific, but giving it another go, it's early in their sexual relationship and Bones gets a message from the ex saying she wants to get back together which means he can have Joanna back as well. How can Jim compete with that?
THE END. Feedback is always welcome.
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy; with cameos by assorted other crewmembers
Warnings: Explicit sex (see rating), but no kinks
Author's Notes:
Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with Star Trek. Really. I promise. I don't own any of the lyrics or graphics either.
Summary: Sometimes, the biggest act of love is to let somebody go.
"Damn it, Jim!" Bones exploded. "That message was private! You had no damn right to snoop around in my private business! Of all the stupid, hare-brained things you've ever done, this…this one absolutely tops it all! You might be the Captain of this flying tin can, but that doesn't give you the right to do something like this!"
He had earned that, Jim knew it. But it didn't take the sting out of the words. Bones leaving was a bad enough prospect, but Bones leaving in anger…the thought clenched something in Jim's chest together so tightly that it was difficult to draw breath.
"You wouldn't tell me what the message was about."
And damn, didn't that sound pathetic. And judged by the expression on Bones' face, it had been the exact wrong thing to say.
"Of course I didn't, because it was none of your damn business!"
"If my CMO decides to leave the ship, that makes it my damn business!"
Bones threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "The moment I tell you that I'm going to leave you can start worrying about that, okay? But you have no right to go through my private messages and draw insane conclusions like that!"
But the words barely penetrated through the haze in Jim's mind.
"Don't tell me that what she's offering isn't exactly what you want! Don't tell me that you're not going to leave!"
Jim didn't like how his voice broke over those last words, and how it made him seem even more pathetic than he already was. Bones just looked at him for a few long seconds, then he breathed a deep sigh and his shoulders slumped as his anger visibly drained from him.
"I'm not leaving, Jim," he said softly, but Jim only shook his head.
For five days, all he had been able to think about was that Bones was going to leave. He was going to leave the Enterprise, and he was going to leave Jim. These thoughts had torn open something inside of him, and the pain from that was overshadowing all rational thought. Bones was leaving. He had to leave, because he was going to be so much happier back on Earth with Joanna than he was ever going to be up here in space with Jim. Bones was leaving, anything else just didn't make sense.
Hands grasping the wall behind himself for something to hold on to, Jim shook his head.
"But why?"
Bones seemed confused. "What why?"
"Why wouldn't you want to leave? You love Joanna, and I know that it's tearing you apart that you can't be there to watch her grow up. You hate being in space. And that job in Atlanta, it's the perfect opportunity for you. There's no reason you shouldn't go back to Earth. There's nothing here on the ship that can compete with what's waiting for you there."
There, it was out now. There was no reason for Bones to keep on denying that he'd have more to gain by leaving than he'd get from staying here. Jim felt as if everything that had kept him upright for the past couple of days had drained out of him, and he bonelessly sank down onto the small sofa.
For a few moments, the room was silent. Then there was the sound of boots squeaking on the floor, then Bones settled on the armchair facing Jim with a sigh.
"So let me get this straight. You've watched that video message from Jocelyn even though it was none of your business, and ever since then you've convinced yourself that I'm going to leave."
Jim shrugged. "It makes sense, doesn't it?"
"Not really, no." Bones sighed. "I still make my own decisions, for one. And another thing is that if you already were so sure that I was going to leave, why the hell didn't you talk to me? We're friends, damn it. Instead of brooding for days so that the entire crew notices that something's wrong with you, why didn't you just come to me?"
Jim forced out a laugh. "Yeah, right. Because you didn't start evading me the moment that message arrived."
"Now hold on a second. You've seen that message, so cut me some slack. It was a bit much to deal with all at once, and it's not as if you had been going out of your way to talk to me, either…"
"Besides," Jim interrupted him before he could say anything else, "that job offer from Atlanta arrived just a day later, and you made that unscheduled call to Joanna, so what good would talking have done?"
Those words were followed by a moment of silence, and when Jim thought he couldn't stand it anymore, he dared to look up and sneak a glance at the other man. Bones was looking at him with an expression Jim wasn't really able to define, and he immediately looked away again.
"I wasn't snooping around," he mumbled. "These things went through official channels. They had to go over my desk."
"I know." Bones breathed a heavy sigh and shifted uncomfortably on the armchair. "Jocelyn contacted the people in the Atlanta facility, and they sent the job offer. It's not the first time something like this has happened, and you've never worried about any of the other offers before. And that call to Joanna…that had other reasons entirely, Jim. It had nothing at all to do with Jocelyn's message. Jo doesn't even know anything about that yet."
It all didn't make sense. Just an hour ago, things had made sense in Jim's head. A cruel kind of sense, something Jim didn't think he could ever live with, but at least things had made sense. Now it was all just a confused mess in his head. He had the sudden urge to slam his head into a wall. Maybe if he only hit himself hard enough, the pieces would fall into place. Or he'd knock himself unconscious, and then it wouldn't matter anymore.
"But why? Why don't you want to go? It's everything you ever dreamed of."
Jim finally raised his head, though he still didn't look directly at the other man. But he did see how Bones was shaking his head from side to side, one hand buried in his short hair.
"Okay, let's get the unimportant stuff out of the way first. I've never once considered that job offer from Atlanta. It's…it's not my thing, okay?"
"Yeah, right. Because showing your genius in the one field you really excel in is not your thing. Because doing the work you like without having to bother with all those stupid and mundane injuries you always complain about is not your thing. Being on Earth is not your thing because everybody knows you love space so much."
Bones drew a deep breath. "I like my job, okay? And yes, this crew consists nearly entirely of morons who use every single opportunity to get themselves mauled, burned, shot, stabbed or broken in a thousand other ways, but that doesn't mean I think I'm above treating them, or that my calling is something else. I actually like this crew even though most of them have no consideration for their own health whatsoever. Besides, who would patch all of you up again if I wasn't around anymore? And if you think being CMO on this ship isn't challenging, then you got another thing coming. Do you really think I'd be happy locked away in a lab all day long, with Starfleet officials breathing down my neck and watching my every move? I became a doctor because I wanted to treat people, not because I wanted to do research for the rest of my life."
"But you're good at research."
"I'm also good at Tallassian Poker, but I'm not planning on making a career out of that, either."
Jim shook his head. "That's different. Besides, you went to space to escape Jocelyn and that whole mess of the divorce, nothing else. Now she offers you everything you had to leave behind back again. You'd be stupid not to take it."
Bones looked as if he wasn't sure whether to laugh or tear at his hair in frustration.
"Maybe you're not considering the most important point."
"What's that?"
"Maybe I don't want all that back."
"Then you're crazy. Jocelyn and you finally get along. And she's gorgeous, you have to admit that. Hell, you've been in love with her before, you can't tell me that there's nothing left of that."
Bones threw his hands in the air as frustration clearly won the battle for dominance.
"What do you want me to say? That a part of me will always love her, or some other romantic bullshit like that? Of course I know Jocelyn is a beautiful woman. I'm not blind, okay? And of course I still remember what it felt like to be in love with her. It wasn't all fighting and yelling like it was towards the end. We were happy, we were in love, and we were good together. I haven't forgotten what that feels like. But I also haven't forgotten what it felt like when the whole thing went down the drain. And those are not really the kind of memories I like to look back on at all. It's good that she and I have finally found some middle ground, and that we're getting along better now, but that doesn't mean I want her back, no matter how gorgeous or not she might be. I moved on, Jim, why is that so hard to understand?"
Because Jim couldn't understand that someone would give up all that which Jocelyn offered to Bones for the sake of staying in a place he hated. Because it was hard to imagine that Bones would chose this life over being happy with his daughter. Because it was impossible that he would chose Jim over all that.
"Jim?"
It cost a lot of effort to look up at the other man. Bones still had that unreadable expression on his face, and it was hard to suddenly no longer know what was going on in his friend's head.
"What?"
"Why are you so hung up on all this? Okay, so you misunderstood Jocelyn's message and drew a few wrong conclusions. That's one thing. But I tell you that you got worked up over nothing and it's like you haven't even heard me. Why are you so dead set on the fact that I'm going to leave? It's almost as if you want me to say yes to Jocelyn's offer."
Jim drew a deep breath, but released it again without saying anything. He couldn't. He didn't want Bones to leave, not ever. But more than anything, he wanted for Bones to be happy. And it was simply so obvious that Bones was going to be so much happier at home, with his daughter. But there was no way he could put all that into words.
"Jim?"
Jim shook his head, not trusting his voice to speak without breaking. But Bones wasn't going to let go without an answer, he knew that as well. So he cleared his throat and drew another deep breath before he dared to speak.
"I don't want you to go. But it's Joanna."
"What about her?"
"Everything. For over five years, you've been telling me that you miss her, and how much you hate not being around her. And now you got the chance to have her back and you want to tell me that you're not going to go for it?"
Bones leaned back in his armchair as if he didn't know what to make of that question. He pressed his hands together and leaned his forehead against them, deep in thought.
"I don't know what you want to hear, Jim. And I have no idea why you're so hung up on something that has nothing to do with you in the first place."
Those words stung even more than some of Bones' earlier, much harsher, words had. It had nothing to do with Jim. Of course not. Because even if Bones decided to stay, Jim wasn't the reason for that.
"I told you, I don't want you to go. But she's the most important person in your entire life. I can't compete with that."
The frown was back on Bones' face.
"Who says you have to?"
Jim sighed in frustration and got up from the sofa. He needed to move, needed to try and pace away some of the tension that was eating him up from the inside.
"Nobody. I know that I can't. But I also know that you'll be happier with Joanna than you're ever going with m…up here in space. I don't want you to regret that you didn't take the chance when you had it."
Bones looked up to where Jim was pacing, and even when Jim didn't look at him he could feel the other man's gaze burning holes in his back. This was all not going the way Jim had imagined it. Either Bones was leaving or not, but this conversation was so weird that Jim no longer knew what was what. His near slipping up just now didn't help, either.
Bones seemed tired as he took his hands away from his face and looked up at Jim. That straight-on gaze Jim could already barely deal with. Worse was that Bones also got up, compromising that distance Jim had so carefully constructed between them.
"Okay, first things first. I still don't get why you work yourself up so badly about all this that you essentially lock yourself in your room and brood all day long for nearly a week. But trust me that I've spend quite a lot of time thinking about this over the past week. Of course I love Joanna. More than anything. And I miss her every single day. But…I wouldn't be happier on Earth. In fact I think I would be the exact opposite of happy, and that wouldn't be good for either her or me."
Jim was shaking his head again, but Bones didn't let him get a word in between.
"I'm serious. Believe it or not, I actually like my job on this ship, moronic crew and absolutely insane working hours notwithstanding. How you came up with the completely idiotic idea that you'd have to compete against anything in order to make me stay is beyond me."
Jim didn't want to say anything, but his mouth had other ideas than his brain.
"That message sounded like an offer for everything you ever wanted. And I didn't want you to go. I don't want you to go. I just didn't see any incentive for you to stay. That job offer sounded brilliant, you could have Joanna, and this thing between us…"
He cut himself off, not daring to look at Bones just then. But of course the other man had heard Jim's words.
"What thing, Jim? Because if you're talking about our friendship, then let me tell you that it played a big part in why I even considered a posting on a starship when I could have as well applied for a posting on a Starbase somewhere on a safe planet. So if you start doubting the strength of that, you're an idiot. But if you're talking about the fact that there's been something more to us than mere friendship for the past couple of months, then I think we're long overdue on a little talk about that."
So this was it, Jim thought. This was the point where Bones came to his senses and told him that they couldn't go on like that. Jim was grateful that Bones had no intention of leaving Enterprise, but he didn't want him to stay if things were going to be awkward or tense between them. Jim didn't want their friendship to change under the strain of the fact that he wanted more than Bones was willing to give.
"I…I understand if you want to break this up."
And even saying these words was tearing Jim up inside, because it was a blatant lie. He didn't understand. He didn't want Bones to break this whatever it was between them off again. But he was willing to do anything to salvage their friendship, even if that meant he was never again going to be anything more to the other man.
Bones however was doing that thing again where his eyebrow tried to disappear behind his hairline, and the eye-roll he gave was one of monumental proportions.
"I have no idea what state you worked yourself into, Jim, but you've got to snap out of it. I know that normally you're not that slow on the uptake. If I didn't want this, it wouldn't have happened again after that drunken first time. That's really not the issue here. It's just that…do you really think we can go on like that?"
The breath caught in Jim's throat at those words and he slowly turned around to face the other man.
"What do you mean?"
"Seriously, I'm this close to taking you off duty for being a moron. And if there is no Starfleet regulation for that, trust me that I'm going to make one up. Just use that oversized brain of yours for thinking once, would you? Didn't you think that other than the fact that I actually like this job even though I never thought I would, there might be another reason why I don't want to leave Enterprise?"
Jim swallowed against his suddenly dry throat. "Not really, no."
Bones sighed. "Of course not. So you probably didn't think it might have something to do with you, either."
Jim shook his head, and suddenly Bones was there, right in front of him, right in his personal space. They had been this close before. Closer even, and with no clothes between them, but that had been different. This was a different kind of proximity, one that had Jim's heart beat a frantic tattoo against the inside of his chest and made him want to turn around and run for fear that he was reading this all wrong. The only reason why Jim didn't turn around and run was Bones' steady gaze on him, and the thought flashed through Jim's mind that Bones was far more courageous than he was.
"No…" Jim breathed out, his voice breaking slightly over that syllable. Bones was so close that Jim could feel his breath against his own face. And then that quick brush of exhaled air was replaced by a warm, solid hand that cupped his cheek, and Jim unconsciously leaned into the contact as Bones' thumb moved gently over his cheekbone.
"God, but you're an idiot," Bones exhaled, and even if Jim had an answer to that, it would have been cut off by Bones' lips closing over his own. It didn't only shut him up from one second to the next, it short-circuited his entire brain so that the only coherent thoughts he could come up with were yes and Bones and finally. It was…it defied all description, even though it was just a kiss, and Jim knew, distantly and rationally, that a simple kiss didn't hold the power to shift an entire universe.
Only, this one did. Not the universe, the endless space they were drifting through each and every day, no. But Jim's very own universe, the fictitious state containing everything that touched his life, be it on the margin or right there dead-center, that universe had needed the feeling of Bones' lips on his to finally spin on its axis - not again, but maybe for the first time in his entire life.
Why hadn't they done this before?
Because they had been blind and stupid, focused on urges and desire when they should have seen the true feelings behind those. Because they had been too proud (and maybe too stupid) to admit to the fact that they wanted more than what they already knew they had. And probably the main reason was that they had been too afraid to lose each other.
Bones' tongue gently traced the curve of Jim's lip and he opened up to him, because suddenly it was the most natural thing in the world, and not kissing Bones would be stupid, a waste of time and should be officially considered a crime.
Jim moaned as their tongues met and started moving against one another. It all felt so natural, so absolutely fucking right that Jim never wanted for it to stop. If all this was a dream, he didn't want to be torn out of it. Ever.
Jim wrapped his own hands into Bones' hair, pulling him even closer even though there was barely any space between them, and even as the need for oxygen finally broke them apart he held on, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against Bones' as he listened to the soundtrack of his rapidly beating heart.
"Bones…"
It sounded hoarse and breathless, and it felt like a prayer, a thank you and a promise all wrapped into one syllable.
"Been wanting to do that for ages."
Bones didn't sound much better than Jim did, just as breathless and helpless in the face of what they were doing, and it calmed Jim a little to hear that.
"Why didn't you?"
Bones drew back his head - not much, just far away that he could look Jim in the eyes. Jim looked at him, really looked at his friend for the first time in a long time, without bothering to force back all the feelings that rose up inside of him, and something in his stomach gave a funny lurch. Bones' eyes were half-lidded, long lashes Jim had never noticed before framing that hazel gaze, and there was a flush to his face that seemed to spread from his cheeks all the way to his full, slightly reddened lips.
"You're kidding, right? Jim you…you don't do relationships. You never did. I'm still not entirely sure you do."
Jim didn't know the answer to that himself, all he knew was that he wanted to be with Bones, and he wasn't overly worried about what to label this between them, because their friendship was already the longest lasting relationship in Jim's life, anyway, and he didn't want it any other way.
"I…some things, they just feel right. Like they're worth taking a leap of faith for."
Bones smiled - and how could Jim have missed the way Bones' eyes lit up when he smiled before? - swiping over Jim's cheek with the thumb of his hand that still rested against it. Bones' other hand was resting against Jim's hip, the tips of his fingers warm against Jim's skin where they had slipped under the hem of his shirt. Jim untangled one hand from Bones' hair and slid it down until it rested in the center of Bones' broad back.
The smile on Bones' face widened, and this time it was Jim who pulled him in again, already missing the feeling of the other man's lips on his like a missing limb.
This time, the kiss was not as hesitant and careful as the first. Jim's hands started to wander of their own volition, stroking over Bones' back and finally, blissfully sneaking under the other man's shirt. Bones' skin was hot under his touch, and he moaned loudly into Jim's mouth as Jim gently traced his fingers up and down the curve of his spine.
"Jim…" Bones breathed, breaking their kiss for a second to exchange small tender nips to Jim's lower lip. "I…this…"
"I know…" Jim mouthed back before he pressed his lips to the other man's again. He was just as overwhelmed as Bones sounded, unable to deal with all those feelings inside of him other than just let himself fall into the sensation as Bones' tongue worked its way into his mouth while his fingers seemed to be everywhere at once.
It was different than all these times before, brand-new even though it wasn't the first time that his hands ran over Bones' skin, not the first time that he frantically tugged at fabric in a silent plea to get it off and out of the way. Jim was reluctant to break apart, but the deft way Bones pulled Jim's shirt over his head was a small satisfaction because it showed the same urgency Jim was feeling.
That urgency had been a trademark of all their previous encounters, but this time there was a different quality to it all. This time, Jim didn't hold back all those small things that he had previously been afraid would give away just how he was feeling about his best friend. Now there was no need to suppress the desire to tenderly kiss his way down the side of Bones' jaw, tongue flicking out to taste the slightly salty skin down Bones' neck as the other man's pulse thrummed directly under his tongue.
Bones' moan, so deep and guttural that it was nearly a growl, was Jim's undoing. His feet were moving on their own volition as they both pushed and pulled each other towards the bed. Bones shrugged all the way out of his shirt as they all but tumbled to the bed atop the sheets, and immediately Jim pressed his lips against Bones' again, meeting his tongue halfway between their mouths as he shifted atop the other man.
"Jim…" Bones moaned, hands moving down Jim's back until his fingers tantalizingly slipped beneath the waistband of Jim's pants. The hoarse voice sent shivers down Jim's spine that had nothing to do with the feeling of those hands moving over his skin, and the thought that he was the reason Bones sounded like that, that he could undo Bones like that, was thrilling and exciting and went straight into his groin.
Shifting on the bed, he brought their bodies together, his erection grinding against the fabric-clad bulge in Bones' pants. Bones threw his head back and moaned at the friction, and both hands moved towards Jim's hips to pull him down harder. The grinding was wonderful, but it was too much, too soon, and Jim wanted this to last.
So when Bones' grip around his hips tightened and he flipped them over, Jim went along with the movement even if it forced their bodies apart again. Bones straddled him, knees bracketing Jim's hips, and the mere sight overloaded Jim's senses. Bones looked positively wanton, eyes dark and pupils blown wide with arousal, lips moist, slightly parted, and red from kissing.
"God, Bones, I…"
When words failed him, Jim pulled the other man down, angling for another kiss - because he had realized he could keep doing that all day long, and he had a lot of catching up to do - but somewhere along the way Bones changed trajectory and his mouth ended up at the hollow of Jim's throat, kissing and tonguing the sensitive flesh there. Jim's hands were buried in Bones' hair again and a moan tore free as he threw back his head and let Bones work his magic. Apparently though, Bones wasn't content with that one spot, and his mouth started moving over the skin of Jim's chest, leaving tender kisses and small, playful bites along the way.
It was nothing they hadn't done before, yet so completely and utterly different at the same time. During the previous times they had slept together, there had been an aggressive undertone to it, a selfish desire to fulfill urges on both parts because they both hadn't given in to what they really wanted.
Now those barriers had been torn down, and Jim felt as if his whole body was on fire where Bones hands and lips touched him. When those hands reached the hem of his pants - pants which were far too tight by now - Jim jerked his hips up in a silent plea. Bones smirked, downright smirked, the bastard, but his own impatience seemed to win out because he deftly undid button and zipper and urged Jim to raise his hips. Jim complied only too eagerly, unable to hold back another keening moan as fabric scratched over his all too sensitive flesh, and the cool air of the bedroom felt like a blessed relief against the scorching heat.
This wouldn't do. Him naked while Bones was still dressed from the waist down absolutely wouldn't do. Not for any longer.
Bones seemed surprised when Jim tried to shrug all the way out of his clothes while Bones was still straddling him and at the same time he reached for the button of Bones' own pants with fingers that were shaking ever so slightly. It was probably a physical impossibility what Jim was trying to achieve, but damn it, he needed Bones naked right now, and he had a thing for doing the impossible. It looked clumsy and probably lacked all elegance, but right now Jim didn't care if it looked as if he had never even tried to do this before. It got Bones naked, and in the end that was all that counted.
Skin.
There was just so much skin in Jim's sight now that was only waiting to be explored and discovered anew. Bones was tanned and smooth on his shoulders and arms, skin taut over the enticing movement of the muscles underneath. Jim loved to run his fingers over it and watch the skin shift as Bones' muscles twitched in response - all the way from Bones' arms and shoulders down his chest and down his stomach, past his bellybutton and along the thin trail of hair that started there. The tan faded towards Bones' waistline even if the muscles didn't. He kept in good shape, something the uniform shirts were hiding pretty well, and as Jim gently, almost reverently ran his fingers down the defined ridges, Bones hissed and jerked his hips towards Jim. One of Bones' hands unerringly reached for Jim's cock, long fingers wrapping around the hard flesh. Jim squeezed his eyes tightly shut as a thumb rubbed over the head, but before Jim could settle into a rhythm, before he could even think about jerking his hips back against that wonderfully tight friction, Bones released his grip again.
It was too much, the anticipation was overwhelming and Jim's heart was beating so fast that he thought it was trying to burst free. Something inside of Jim snapped and he pushed Bones back onto the bed, practically jumping him as he crushed their mouths together once more. Those kisses were addictive, all lips and tongue and Bones, pure Bones as they tumbled onto the bed together. There was nothing but skin on skin, and the feeling of their erections grounding together was like an electric current running through Jim's entire body, short-circuiting a couple of brain synapses along the way.
Too much. There were so many things Jim wanted to do and try out now that he no longer needed to hold anything back, but his whole body was thrumming with need and his brain was capable of nothing but one single thought.
He didn't want to break the kiss, never ever wanted to stop kissing Bones again, but he managed to tear himself away long enough to voice the one thing that was on his mind.
"Want you."
Bones' eyes were just a thin ring of hazel around a wide-blown black pupils, and if that was even possible, they widened even further as Jim's words penetrated through the lust-filled haze in his mind. As if to emphasize his point, Jim ground his hips against Bones. Eyes snapped shut at the friction and Bones let his head fall back onto the mattress with a loud groan.
"Jim…"
It was a guttural growl, and it went straight into Jim's groin, as if his ears were hardwired straight to his cock whenever Bones was talking. Especially when Bones was groaning his name like that. Jim wanted to hear it again and again. But even more than that, he wanted to feel Bones inside of him. Now.
"Bones. Please."
It must have been the tone of his voice that had Bones surging up to bring their mouths together again, both hands on Jim's ass and squeezing tightly as he flipped them over.
Jim didn't know what to do with his hands. There was a moment of shifting and groping in the bedside table and then he was spreading open for Bones, willingly opening up to the other man. And it wasn't the first time, but it sure felt like the first time that he offered himself up this completely, without reservation or hesitation.
The anticipation of what was about to happen now was sending thrills through his body, but kneeling between his legs as he was now, Bones was too far away to reach. Too far away to stroke or hold, let alone kiss, and Jim wished that the other man would just hurry the hell up so that Jim could feel him all over again.
But Bones was patient, and meticulous, and very insistent on preparing Jim. First one lubricated finger slid into him, which Jim welcomed and ground back against, and Jim was sure the second finger that followed was enough, that the way those fingers were moving and scissoring was plenty of preparation for Bones to finally enter him, but Jim was helpless to speed things up on his own. Bones tried to pacify him with a kiss to his thigh - patience Jim, don't want to hurt you, never hurt you - and then slid a third finger into Jim. Jim screwed his eyes shut, hips jerking back against those fingers as if they had a mind of their own. It was good, that feeling of Bones' fingers moving inside of him, the warmth of Bones' other hand against his thigh, holding Jim open with a pressure that was so gentle it was almost tender, yet unyielding at the same time.
Jim wanted more. He needed more, and he needed it now, no matter what Bones thought about whether or not Jim was ready. Jim knew he was, and that was enough. Bones had been too far away for far too long, and that simply wouldn't do.
Jim shifted, a keening moan that would have been embarrassing under any other circumstances slipping from his mouth as those fingers withdrew, and then he was scrambling into a sitting position, his fingers grasping blindly for the small bottle Bones had discarded somewhere amidst the sheets. And screw whether the sheets were getting dirty or not, Jim squeezed a generous amount of lube onto his hands and then simply tossed the opened bottle away, too intent on finally touching Bones to care about anything as mundane as soiled sheets.
Jim was hard, so hard that he thought he wouldn't last long if anybody were to touch him now, but Bones wasn't faring much different. He gasped as Jim wrapped his fingers around the hard flesh, and Jim could have kept on stroking like this for the entire night, lost in the feeling of Bones in his hands, hard and leaking, in the sounds of the small sighs and moans his movements produced. It was intoxicating and addictive, and Jim couldn't control himself anymore. The only thing he could think of was the feeling of Bones in his hand, and how he could never get enough of that.
Jim was only torn out his movements when lips crushed against his, and this time there was nothing even remotely romantic or tender about the kiss, or about the way Bones' tongue forced its way into Jim's mouth.
"Want you…" It was barely more than a breathless pant between kisses. "God, Jim…so much…need you now…"
They could have been at it already if Bones hadn't been so intent on drawing this out, but Jim was too incoherent to care right now. He pulled Bones along with him as he lay back on the bed, clutching at him as if he was afraid the other man was going to leave if he let go. Bones didn't seem as if he had any intention of going anywhere, but Jim couldn't unclench his fingers from Bones' back, even as Bones shifted and Jim felt the pressure as he started to push inside.
There was pain. There always was when Bones entered him, no matter how careful he tried to prepare Jim. But this time Jim reveled in the slightly burning sensation as Bones slid into him, slowly but steadily until he was buried in all the way and stopped moving.
Jim wanted to stay like this forever, and screw everything else. This was all he needed, him and Bones, connected as close as two human beings could possibly be. He wanted to be like this and kiss Bones and then the rest of the world wouldn't matter anymore. Just him and Bones, joined in this ultimate way.
Jim knew that Bones was giving him time to adjust, was trying to distract Jim with tender kisses from the pain his entry had caused - because of course Bones knew. Bones knew Jim, and he damn well knew when Jim was in pain, so there was no reason to even try and hide it. But Jim was a big boy, he could take a little pain, and if Bones only started moving then it would be over soon, anyway. He needed Bones to move, but instead the anticipation grew with every second Bones waited, every time he leaned in for another kiss instead of finally thrusting his hips the way Jim wanted him to.
And then finally Bones was moving, and Jim's tenuous hold on coherency slipped entirely. There was nothing but the feeling of Bones moving inside of him, of those electric currents running through his entire body whenever he angled his thrusts and hit that one spot just right, nothing but the feeling of Bones' skin under Jim's fingers as he clutched, stroked, and held on for dear life while Bones thrust in and out of him as if he was trying to meld them into one.
"Bones…" Jim moaned, reduced to that one syllable even as his hands reached for Bones' hips, fingers skimming over heated and swear-slick skin until he found purchase on Bones' ass and pulled him down hard.
"God, Jim." Bones did a twist with his hips that had Jim seeing stars, and Jim latched onto Bones' shoulder, lapping at and suckling the warm, salty skin over the indent of Bones' collarbone even as Bones increased the speed of his thrusts. Jim was acting purely on instinct as they moved with and atop and inside of each other as if it was the only thing that mattered in the world.
To Jim it was.
There was nothing more important than this, right here, right now, and the way it made him feel. The way it made Bones feel, if the breathy moans and small grunts, or the way he was whispering Jim's name again and again were any indication.
Jim didn't know where to put his hands next, too big was his desire to touch as many different places on Bones' body as quickly as possible. There was skin and muscle and lips and hair, hair that Jim's hands finally tangled in as a hand wrapped around his achingly hard cock and began stroking him in time with Bones' thrusts.
He was too far gone, he could only let himself fall into this and go wherever it took him. Bones' hand on him was that last push towards the edge he had needed, and then as Bones did a twist with his hand, a flick of thumb against the underside of Jim's cock that had Jim seeing fucking stars, and then Jim was tumbling. He was falling over the edge, too focused on the intensity of that feeling to notice anything beyond it. He was falling, flying through the endless and weightless expanse of space as Bones followed him over the edge. Jim dissolved the moment he felt Bones' climax, exploded into a thousand pieces that were falling apart only to reassemble again the fragment of a second later, shaping him into the same old Jim, only that from now on he was forever going to carry a little bit of Bones with him, like a brand on his soul.
It was too intense, too much to take in at once. Jim knew about mind-blowing sex, but this…he hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected for the feelings to be so overwhelming that he could only hang on until his brain and his body somehow caught up with one another again. It felt like floating, like riding a giant wave until it crested and pulled him under water where everything was muted, where there was no up or down, nothing but the feeling of complete and utter contentment. He could stay like this, float forever in this blissful oblivion. The next thing Jim became aware of was Bones' weight warm and comfortably atop of him, ribcage heaving against Jim's, his hurried and panting breaths gushing hotly over the skin of Jim's neck.
"God…Bones…"
Bones slowly lifted his head, as if the movement required strength he needed to draw up from somewhere deep inside. The hazel in his eyes was more prominent now than it had been minutes ago when his eyes had been blown wide with lust. Now he just looked at Jim for a few beats, sated and content, before his eyes dropped close and he let his forehead sink against Jim's with a sigh.
This was what Jim had always wanted.
This was what he had felt cheated out of before, when it had just been about the sex. This proximity, the fact that Bones stayed when previously he had withdrawn far too quickly. One of Jim's hands was still tangled in Bones' hair, and suddenly it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to draw him in for a kiss, and he met no resistance as he did so. The kiss was lazy and satisfied, a gentle shift of lips and tongue with no further intention behind it other than to stay connected like this for as long as possible.
When Bones started to shift and withdrew, it was still too soon for Jim's liking. But he saw the notion of discomfort on Bones' face, so no matter how reluctant he was, he didn't protest as Bones withdrew.
This time, it wasn't the signal that whatever had happened was over and they could both go back to pretending that they were just friends. This time, Bones settled beside him, body warm as he stretched out alongside Jim, and suddenly Jim knew, with aching clarity, that this was what he wanted - Bones beside him, just like this. Every single day, if possible. Maybe he was angling too high with this. Having high expectations had never worked out in his life. It had only ever brought disappointment, and had Jim not been unwilling to invest himself in any kind of long-lasting relationship based on real emotions until now, it would have also broken his heart a few times over again.
So where were they going from here? It wasn't as if Bones had said anything committal about what this made them. Lovers? A couple? Still nothing more than friends with benefits? Jim didn't know, even though he hoped desperately that this meant what he thought it did. He simply didn't know, but despite all these doubts it was as if his body was acting on its own volition as he curled up around Bones, one leg shifting to move between the other man's as he moved into the comfortable burrow against Bones' side and leaned his head into the crook of his neck. Whatever this was, between them, Jim was going to take whatever he could get.
Bones chuckled as he wrapped his arm around Jim and pulled him even closer.
"Didn't know you were a cuddler."
Truth be told, neither had Jim. Not really. Post-coital clinging together had always been a thing he had endured rather than initiated.
"I don't know." He tried to shrug, but gave up halfway through. "It never felt like this before, either."
One of Bones' hands went into Jim's hair and pulled his head more tightly against him. In that moment, Jim was nearly sure. Nearly.
"You didn't give me an answer earlier."
"Huh?"
Earlier. Well, that was precise. There had been a lot of talking earlier, and it was going to take a little while until Jim was going to remember it all. Not so quickly after sex, definitely not. Especially not when Bones' hand moved from the back of his head down to his neck, squeezing gently before it started trailing up and down his spine in a soothing, almost hypnotic movement.
"When I said I wasn't sure you were someone who does relationships."
Jim was taken aback for a second. "Is that what you want?"
"What, you think I'm here because your bed is more comfortable than mine? Why else would I ask? But I want us to be on the same page about it. I…I want us to have the same expectations about it."
And Jim wanted to throw his head back and laugh, because it all seemed so easy. He had no idea what all of Bones' expectations were, and that kind of commitment scared the bejesus out of him. He had never tried it before, had never been ready to let anyone get close enough to try. But this was Bones. The one person who already knew most of the dark things lurking in his past. The one who had seen him at his worst. If Bones hadn't run by now but instead was still willing to give this between them a chance, Jim was damn willing to give it a try. No, not a try. He was willing to give it all he got, and then some.
He just had no idea how to put that into words.
"I…I don't want to screw this up."
Bones forehead frowned in confusion, but then the lines eased as if the answer to that problem couldn't be any simpler.
"Then don't."
And Jim didn't know whether to laugh, or to start wondering if the other man was losing his mind.
"I don't exactly have a track record of not screwing things up, you know?"
Bones shrugged, and when the movement jostled Jim's head from is position against his shoulder he immediately reached out and pulled him close again.
"Five years and counting, and neither of us managed to screw up this friendship. I'd say that's a good start. We'll figure out the rest as we go along." He pulled his head back so that he could look into Jim's eyes, then he leaned in and pressed another tender kiss to Jim's lips. "I just need to know that we both want this, and exclusively."
If monogamy was what Bones was worried about, then he didn't have to worry. It wasn't as if Jim had been able to think about anybody else over the past months, and now that he finally had Bones completely he wasn't going to be stupid enough to throw it away. So that answer was ridiculously simple. Hell yeah, he wanted this. Exclusively. And for as long as possible. Preferably indefinitely.
Jim pressed his face more firmly against Bones' chest, torn between the desire to kiss it, and that to nip and bite at the flesh and then soothe the irritation with his tongue. He settled for a few quick and tender kisses before he turned and looked up into the hazel eyes that were watching him attentively.
"Sounds perfect."
And finally, as if that had been what he had been waiting to hear, Bones smiled. "Good. That's all I need to know."
It sounded so easy. Much too easy. Jim didn't really trust those things, because too easy had too often turned out to mean too good to be true in the past.
Jim curled up closer, still confused by but not doubting this sudden desire to be as close as possible to the other man.
"What are you going to tell Jocelyn?"
And in all honesty, that was the one question that still scared Jim, the one doubt that didn't quite stop nagging at him. But if any of the ease of Bones' shrug was faked, he was a far better actor than Jim thought he was.
"The truth. That I moved on. If she really cares about me, then she'll understand."
"And Jo?"
A bit of the smile died from Bones' face, but it didn't vanish entirely. It hardly ever did when his daughter was on his mind.
"She knows that I love her, and that she's the most important person in my entire life. And I'm not out of her life, even if it's video messages and letters for the most part now. But she tells me that she's proud of me and what we're doing up here every time we talk, and I'll just have to rely that it's enough. I don't know what will be when our five years are up, but right now this is what's right for me. And I think I'm lucky enough to have a daughter who's smart enough to understand that."
Jim looked at Bones for a long moment, trying to detect the lie in that statement, or any other sign that he was being less than completely honest with him. But no matter how hard he searched, he didn't find anything. Bones raised an eyebrow and used a thumb to gently smooth out the frown lines on Jim's forehead.
"That call I made…"
Jim was confused. "Which one?"
Moving his hand from Jim's forehead so that it was cupping Jim's cheek, Bones continued. "The one to Joanna, which had you thinking I was telling her I'd come home."
"Yeah, I remember."
"I want you to meet her."
Once the words sunk in, Jim was so startled that he raised his head from its position on Bones' chest and just stared at the other man. Because he couldn't have possibly heard right.
"You want me to what?"
Bones shrugged, even though a slight notion of insecurity was showing on his face.
"Meet her. If you want to, of course."
But Jim still couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.
"You want me to meet Joanna. Your daughter."
"Yes. You're acting as if I had suggested something indecent."
Jim shook his head. "No, of course not. It's just that…Bones, I've never even been around when you talk to her. That time is so damn important to you."
"So are you."
Three simple words, and they humbled Jim like nothing else ever had. But if Bones noticed the slight blush to his cheeks, he didn't let it on.
"I want the two most important people in my life to finally get to know each other. And Jo is thrilled about the idea, which admittedly might have something to do with the fact that she'll be the coolest girl in the entire fourth grade if she can brag about having met Captain James T. Kirk. But…I've been telling her a lot about you over the past years, and she really wants to meet you. So if you can manage to get to Georgia for a day during shore leave, she'd love that." And, more timidly, he added. "Me, too."
And suddenly Jim understood that Bones was babbling because he was nervous, that he might even be worried Jim would not want to meet Joanna, which was just ridiculous. Quickly, Jim scrambled to his knees and pressed a quick kiss to Bones' lips.
"Of course I want to meet her. I'd love to. I just never thought you'd want that. You don't have enough time with her as it is."
"I want the two of you to meet. And I want her to know the truth. I don't see her often enough for keeping secrets. I don't want to have to hide how I feel from her."
Had anybody else said something like this to him, Jim would have been running to the farthest end of the galaxy at warp speed by now. But again - this was Bones. With Bones, it still startled him how much the other man wanted to include him in his life. It even scared him a little. But it also felt like a display of trust, something Jim didn't want to disappoint. Even more, something Jim found he wanted to try and give his best for.
"It's not like I got anything planned for shore leave, anyway."
A smirk showed on Bones' face. "You'd be sitting in that damn chair of yours the entire time we're in space dock if nobody drags you out of this tin can."
"I'll have you know that the chair has been built for comfort, and that there's nothing wrong with actually enjoying your job."
Bones rolled his eyes, running a finger down Jim's ribs as Jim settled his head beside him on the pillow. He leaned in for another kiss, and Jim couldn't help but press closer somewhat greedily. When they broke apart, Bones cupped Jim's cheek again.
"No, but there's something wrong with skipping meals on a regular basis. So we'll be going to the mess for dinner later, and don't even think about arguing with me."
Jim felt a smile creep onto his face.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea."
Bones' eyebrows started one of their complicated dances again. "Why's that?"
"I'm not too sure I can keep my hands off you. I'm fairly sure I can't stop kissing you." As if to prove his point, Jim pressed his lips against Bones' again, tongue darting out to lick teasingly at the full lower lip. "And I'm absolutely sure we both look like we just had mind-blowing sex, which everyone who sees us is going to notice."
Much to Jim's surprise, Bones only shrugged. "So let them notice. As clever as this crew allegedly is, someone's bound to find out sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with before Scotty sets up a betting pool."
Bones was serious about this. Jim didn't know how or why, but Bones was really serious about this.
And it was really true that he couldn't stop himself from kissing Bones. Once more his lips found their way onto Bones' as he kissed him with total abandon. Bones was pliant under him as Jim shifted atop, hands buried in Bones' tousled dark hair as Bones shifted beneath him, hands coming up against Jim's sides to sneak around Jim's back.
Because really, the entire crew could know about him and Bones for all that he cared. He didn't want to hide a thing.
"We're going to need a shower first, though," Jim said as he withdrew and pressed his face against Bones' neck. And his sheets definitely needed changing before anybody was going to sleep in this bed. But that could wait a little longer. Jim didn't want to get up again, not just yet. And judged by the way Bones was pulling him closer, shifting beneath him until they both were comfortable, neither did he. With a content sigh, Jim nuzzled his face against Bones' neck and closed his eyes, content under the soothing movement of Bones' hand against his back.
"You know," Bones said, his voice a deep rumble in Jim's ear and against his skin, "if you organized any farewell parties, now might be a good time to cancel them."
Despite himself, Jim chuckled, something he would have thought impossible just a few hours ago.
"No, nothing of the sort."
"Good. Because if just a single crewmember wishes me all the best for my future, or if the hobgoblin delivers some sort of speech I'm obliged to listen to, there will be hyposprays in your future. Many, many hyposprays."
Jim laughed. "You can poke me as much as you want, as long as you kiss it better. But there's no party. I wasn't exactly in the mood to celebrate the fact that you were going away."
Strong arms tightened around his back. "I'm not going anywhere, Jim. I'm right where I want to be."
And really, there was nothing else to add to that. Jim was right where he wanted to be, too. He was with Bones, and that meant he was home.
...
...
Maybe it's intutition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life.
There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for.
I think I've found my way home.
THE END
Lyrics used (in order of appearance:
REO Speedwagon: I can't fight this feeling anymore
Meat Loaf: Did I say that?
Backstreet Boys: Incomplete
Savage Garden: I knew I loved you.
Original prompt: K/B happy ending, Jim bottoms. I'm a sucker for insecure, madly in love Jim stories, so anything that has him all frantic and angsty is terrific, but giving it another go, it's early in their sexual relationship and Bones gets a message from the ex saying she wants to get back together which means he can have Joanna back as well. How can Jim compete with that?
THE END. Feedback is always welcome.