One goal in life: Never end up like my mother
Ok. So I haven't really been updating my journal, mainly because I haven't really had the need to write about my life. My GPA was a 3.3076 this semester, which is a relief since I was paranoid that I wasn't going to get a 3.0. I was asked by the MSU student Catholic parish to be a member of the retreat team for Fall 2006. It sounds like it will be fun. 2nd semester begins on January 9 and I already have an assignment due by that Saturday, but it doesn't seem very challenging. I am home until either January 7 or 8; I'm hoping to leave sooner, because I can't take being home anymore. Being at home = I lose my freedom. This comment leads me into the main topic of this entry.... not understanding my mother and her ways of control.
I am 19 years old. I am a sophomore at Michigan State University and I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am doing well in college and have a goal of making it to the Dean's List next semester. Eight months out of the year, I live away from my house and on my own; no curfew, no rules, just utter independence. I make all of the calls. However, when I come home, whether it be for a weekend, a few weeks, or the summer... I lose all of that freedom. My mother controls me, makes me have a curfew, and is never considerate to the fact that I am a college student and an adult. Most nights, I have to come home no later than 1, and I always have to wake her up when I get home. I will admit that she is more laid back now about me going out, but the fact that I still have to live with a curfew is bullshit. Kids still in high school don't have to deal with a curfew and the fact that I still can't decide when I am going out and when I want to come home while living under my parents' roof sucks a lot.
I was a bad apple last summer and last year while I attended Eastern. I drank all of the time and didn't really care about anything. I am making much more of an effort now to exceed in school and other aspects of my life, but everytime I am treated like a child by my mother, I just want to go and get shitfaced. Being at home makes me so unbelievably stressed out... it makes me want to go and buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke the entire pack in front of her... in the house. I feel like her controlling me is a way of her punishing me for being a bad person. She makes me believe that I don't deserve to be treated as an adult. And that hurts.
New Year's Eve is, technically, a day away. There most likely will be a party at a friend's house. I discussed this with my mother when it was just an idea and being that the house is owned by college boys, I am not allowed to spend the night. If I am not able to spend the night and have to go home drunk, shit is going to go down.
I am sick of being treated like a prisoner and feeling like I deserve to have so much parental control. I wish that my mom would pull that stick of her ass and just trust my judgment. I wish that she would be ok with my independence... and my life.