(no subject)
He told me that he wants to be a better person. That he realized how much it hurts to have someone do the things that he's been doing to others (and to me). That I've taught him so much about how to treat people right, how to go about dating someone the right way.
But he isn't going to be putting any of that into practice with me. Because that's never how my life works. I teach others with the kindness of my love, and then they go out into the world and use it on other people. They don't come back to me.
If I were a less altruistic person, if I let myself be more human about it, I wouldn't care one bit about how he treated this girl he's seeing or any other girl for that matter. Because he didn't treat me with that respect, and I deserved it more than most. I loved him quite unconditionally, I worked harder than most people would, and I still deserve this more than she does. But somehow I am proud of him for working on his actions so much. I love him enough to want him to be a better person more than I care to let my bitterness get in the way. Me and my stupid big heart.
He said things that I would have given anything for him to have said six months, three months ago. And he apologized over and over again for not meaning them sooner, not being able to do this sooner. I know he means it. But I just can't stand to hear this right now. So I cried and he held me and I really wonder what the point of this is in the grand scheme of things. I hate to sound all immature and whiney, but when is it my turn to finally get what I deserve? I have endless patience, love, caring and forgiveness, yet I never get the happy ending I deserve and everyone else seems content to move on with their lives.
I cannot hate him for this. I try and I can't. I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I love him as my friend and I cannot hate him for this. It just not who I am, anyway. And I know that I will get over this, but for some reason it isn't making the pain go away any faster.
I do not want to be in love anymore.
But he isn't going to be putting any of that into practice with me. Because that's never how my life works. I teach others with the kindness of my love, and then they go out into the world and use it on other people. They don't come back to me.
If I were a less altruistic person, if I let myself be more human about it, I wouldn't care one bit about how he treated this girl he's seeing or any other girl for that matter. Because he didn't treat me with that respect, and I deserved it more than most. I loved him quite unconditionally, I worked harder than most people would, and I still deserve this more than she does. But somehow I am proud of him for working on his actions so much. I love him enough to want him to be a better person more than I care to let my bitterness get in the way. Me and my stupid big heart.
He said things that I would have given anything for him to have said six months, three months ago. And he apologized over and over again for not meaning them sooner, not being able to do this sooner. I know he means it. But I just can't stand to hear this right now. So I cried and he held me and I really wonder what the point of this is in the grand scheme of things. I hate to sound all immature and whiney, but when is it my turn to finally get what I deserve? I have endless patience, love, caring and forgiveness, yet I never get the happy ending I deserve and everyone else seems content to move on with their lives.
I cannot hate him for this. I try and I can't. I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I love him as my friend and I cannot hate him for this. It just not who I am, anyway. And I know that I will get over this, but for some reason it isn't making the pain go away any faster.
I do not want to be in love anymore.