(no subject)
Leaving all of these stream-of-conscious livejournal entries while I drive to work using Speech-to-Text is probably not going to reflect well on me if I suddenly pass away without editing them. I've been thinking a lot about death and other things over the last few days as I've had a muscle pain in my neck that started a little bit the day before. I'm thinking it's my backpack in the amount of crap in it right now including my laptop, research papers that I grade excetera excetera but of course this time of year everybody seems to be posting the what heart attacks look like women meme online and all my brain grabs onto is that hey sometimes neck and shoulder pain is sign of heart attack in women. Of course this freaks me out but as the spouse pointed out I had a stress test earlier this year people under 65 rarely have heart attacks and, you know, I have anxiety about dying and s***. :-) so, I'm driving to work again thinking about all of the things that I love in my life and that Big Y life happy and I'm actually looking forward to the next two weeks as I do not have the pressure of my dissertation holding over my head. Not that I did it of course, I just get an extension so it's not due until four days after Christmas which gives me time to freak out about other things. :-) I have decided, as noted from the last entry, that I do not have anxiety nor will I call it that. Again, having not been diagnosed because I don't feel like going down that road, I have to say that the best way to explain is to people is that I have trust issues. I like this way of looking at the world. It both shows that I can understand my fragility and limited capacity in control of the single human being I am to control the world around me, while acknowledging that sometimes we trust people and sometimes we don't. Adding to it the fact that I only distrust certain people, me and Lee every damn driver on the road right now, and it seems a perfect explanation for where I am right now. I'm starting to decrease the amount of coffee I drink which I and fairly certain helps no one. :-) I don't know, I just don't like constantly living with a realization that everything good end so quickly because I am so small, so frail, so insignificant that the world will go on without me. It is amazing to me that many people in this world go through their life not understanding this but with some Grand purpose, self-importance or infallibility that allows them to be king of their world. Right now I just feel like an ant in a very big world that I have no control over except for where I go, what I do, and who I love. I don't know, it is again a freeing, important and terrifying realization to have in one that seems to be a focus for me the last few days. Now, off to call the cardiologist and go to work and hope for the best. :-)