penchant for making myself sad

[laughingbox]

'June reminds me of hot afternoons on gombak track and long train rides home for dinner. June reminds me of short-lived frustrations, trepidation, stress stress stress and being fidgety, listening to short vague giddy songs by the strokes. Late nights banging on the computer trying to figure out life, staring out of the house, thinking and evaluating, planning organising controlling. A month I have always tried to work my darnest, trying to get things right, trying not to regret for another year when the day closes. But its going to change slightly this year, isn't it. I no longer have what I used to have, which is heart wrenching in every way. I don't get the priority anymore right. I don't like to regret, I seldom do (I don't even regret going rv or leaving vj anymore!), but this time this year I wish we were back to this square. Then maybe I won't get these occasional bouts of feeling miserable because there isn't really a good reason to, or even to worry. I worry a lot you know. I'm letting my inadequacies pull me down, something I never let happen before. This half year I faltered too much, hell I even became less funny. My sense of humour died even before I came into rj, and cat can justify well so. Long conversations and she berates me on this stack of unmotivated bohchup things I have become. SIGH

I don't know, sometimes it gets unbearably lonely. I see this as something I got myself into, tragic, but inevitable. I am not too sure what I want anymore, pondering is beginning to be headache inducing. I really don't want to care about this; let it drift let it come like how I handle the rest. I do think I'm doing quite a fine job about the rest so why can't I do this well too? Its only been a couple of years, it shouldn't be so hard.'