(no subject)
okay so i will update but only with the disclaimer alot of this won't make sense( not that alot of what i normally says does... but this is in reference to something i handwrote to be typed at a later date.. thing is it was on my yellow legal pad that i somehow lost at work) i will try not to freak over the idea of someone finding my 3 page tirade amoung lead teacher and supervision notes. anyhu.. so there ya go.
Monday Monday, La,La,La,La,La,La,La ( i like when donna and josh sing it together on the west wing.) okay focus.
when you become a teacher a small part of you remains a child.A child who watches the weather channel in january more than cartoos. Even the snow disappoints me.
I ended the year with a renewed stregth, direction and hope.. and it only took 2006 two days to take it all away.
I could go on and on about the comedy of errors that is my attempted love life but the only man that loved me unconditionaly is 4 and said goodbye to me on friday. I tied his shoelaces, put on his mittens and kissed him goodbye. i just really wanted someone this weekend, not to kiss at midnight but to hold me while i cried, because this job is all i have right now and i don't know if i am even any good at it anymore.
Back to the night of Martinis and noise makers. not much to say. i guess its a testiment to the kind of women I have surrounded myself with that i had actually forgotten that it is a common occurance to be ditched for a guy. I sat parked in front of the B line watching the snow melt down my windsheild knowing i couldn't leave until I saw that she got home safe, till i sobered up and ingested 2 large coffees to wake up. Happy New Years.
I didn't texted or call him to say happy new year and I thought i'd find pride in that the next day but it didn't make me feel much of anything.
The other hopeful dream was the apt. Its the bahamas trip and calling him wrapped into one-it will just fix everything. no i am not that delutional and maybe that has always been my problem. I;m smarter than i know, or want to be.
it won't fix everything-i will be broke, i will be more lonely, and and did i mention i will be alone.
But i know it would be right. now all i have to do is wait to have my luck change.
I don't dream or gamble often because i may not be a math girl but i know when the numbers just don't look good.
Speaking of looking good. Some fam(dumb boys) have voiced concern over my recent weight loss. I brought this up in therapy.
She pointed out the correlation of the dates of the start of the weight loss and the last time i saw erik. I acknowledged I was looking for something to focus my energies on. She asked if i though maybe he would want to be back together if I lost X amount of weight.
I said no. I said i would never think he would want to be back with me,
but maybe the weight loss(+ more importantly the will power) has given me enough confidence to think that him wanting to be with me again wouldn't be the most proposterous idea i've ever heard. I want to make him a cake and bring him balloons and him him. but i won't.
Its 1 am I have to be up@ 6. I go to Mass eye and ear thursday. and i can't hear (pardon the pun) that they can't help me.
I could feel regret for my dreams but as i read somewhere this weekend.
The brave may die young, but the cautious never live at all.. (thanks M&M)
If i am going to believe all the negative, I have to believe the positive as well.
was my damn notebook.
Monday Monday, La,La,La,La,La,La,La ( i like when donna and josh sing it together on the west wing.) okay focus.
when you become a teacher a small part of you remains a child.A child who watches the weather channel in january more than cartoos. Even the snow disappoints me.
I ended the year with a renewed stregth, direction and hope.. and it only took 2006 two days to take it all away.
I could go on and on about the comedy of errors that is my attempted love life but the only man that loved me unconditionaly is 4 and said goodbye to me on friday. I tied his shoelaces, put on his mittens and kissed him goodbye. i just really wanted someone this weekend, not to kiss at midnight but to hold me while i cried, because this job is all i have right now and i don't know if i am even any good at it anymore.
Back to the night of Martinis and noise makers. not much to say. i guess its a testiment to the kind of women I have surrounded myself with that i had actually forgotten that it is a common occurance to be ditched for a guy. I sat parked in front of the B line watching the snow melt down my windsheild knowing i couldn't leave until I saw that she got home safe, till i sobered up and ingested 2 large coffees to wake up. Happy New Years.
I didn't texted or call him to say happy new year and I thought i'd find pride in that the next day but it didn't make me feel much of anything.
The other hopeful dream was the apt. Its the bahamas trip and calling him wrapped into one-it will just fix everything. no i am not that delutional and maybe that has always been my problem. I;m smarter than i know, or want to be.
it won't fix everything-i will be broke, i will be more lonely, and and did i mention i will be alone.
But i know it would be right. now all i have to do is wait to have my luck change.
I don't dream or gamble often because i may not be a math girl but i know when the numbers just don't look good.
Speaking of looking good. Some fam(dumb boys) have voiced concern over my recent weight loss. I brought this up in therapy.
She pointed out the correlation of the dates of the start of the weight loss and the last time i saw erik. I acknowledged I was looking for something to focus my energies on. She asked if i though maybe he would want to be back together if I lost X amount of weight.
I said no. I said i would never think he would want to be back with me,
but maybe the weight loss(+ more importantly the will power) has given me enough confidence to think that him wanting to be with me again wouldn't be the most proposterous idea i've ever heard. I want to make him a cake and bring him balloons and him him. but i won't.
Its 1 am I have to be up@ 6. I go to Mass eye and ear thursday. and i can't hear (pardon the pun) that they can't help me.
I could feel regret for my dreams but as i read somewhere this weekend.
The brave may die young, but the cautious never live at all.. (thanks M&M)
If i am going to believe all the negative, I have to believe the positive as well.
was my damn notebook.