brain thoughts and withdraws

[laugh_n_smile]

i am in a tough place right now. stuck between two decisions and i cannot make up my mind. i am trapped with no where to go. i quit my job saturday and i guess it was a little bit of a jump the gun choice. i am having horrible withdraws from the medicine that the doctor put me on and then decided to take me off. i go like a day and a half and the pain and horrible shock feeling gets so bad i cant get out of bed. i have never used any heavy drugs before but i do know now why others have such a hard time getting past the first day with out a fix. i hate myself and i want to die. i want to take the whole bottle of pills by the 2nd day of being without the pills. i want to eat myself to death because the stomach pains are so bad. yet i want to throw up thinking about the weight that i have put on in such short time.
  i know that i need to keep it together. i am a smart person and my brain still works but sometimes i think that i really am going crazy. and ok fine i dont care if any of you have a problem with that i admit i am a bit of a odd ball but i do think that my brain in some way is messed up.
i get paranoid walking through a store alone. i wonder why they stare why do i get dirty looks. i am a good person .
   i want to know what i wrong with me but i dont want to be fixed. i wish it was never broken.