at the edge of the ocean, we can start over again
so basically life dealt me another little heartbreak. what did i do, God? seriously, will i ever get another chance with an amazing guy? this kid that i'm with right now and i got in a fight the other night. we're not even boyfriend/girlfriend, but we certainly fight like it. anyway, long story short, i haven't spoken to him since sunday and even then it was really short. he thought that i was acting weird all weekend but really it was just because i was out doing stuff and simply didn't have time to talk. but things are kinda weird now. we established that we aren't going to date, just hook up. which sucks. that's not what i want at all. whatever, i'll just have to wait and see where that goes.
i'm really aggravated with God right now because i feel like i'm being dealt bad hands at life. yeah, love sucks, but what else is new there? i'm always preoccupied with that kind of stuff but in the back of my head i know it will all work out. but other stuff in life just sucks right now. the biggest thing is that keri probably won't be coming back to BC next year. i'm fucking devastated. i completely understand though because BC didn't give her any money and the other school (John Carroll) gave her a ton i guess. but basically i just know that she's going to go there because why woudln't she? but everytime i ask she says she doesn't know yet. i wish she would just stop and make her decision already.
i liked ohio. a lot. i wish i could have stayed longer. sometimes it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're with good people. i would have hung out with those people for a much longer time. i can't help but wonder if keri and i will even talk if she goes to this other school. this sucks.
all i want to do right now is sit in my room and watch movies and eat junk food all day/night. that's all i ever want to do when i'm in this kind of mood. the thing i really NEED to do is get off my ass and distract myself with something. i can't dwell on disappointment, it kills me.
i want to throw all my guts up and have them laid out for everyone to see. i want to write 40,000 pages of whatever the fuck i want and have everyone read them. i want someone to call me who i really want to talk to and i want them to tell me that i'm alright and that once again, i'm just freaking out over stupid shit.
i went to the beach after work today and i swam underwater and screamed the whole time and it was amazing. i drove around last night screaming too. my voice was so shot today. there's something about screaming that makes you feel better. i screamed a lot of shit. i screamed at God, i screamed at ((you)), i screamed at the other people driving. and i don't mean like just shouting, "ahhh this sucks!" i mean full-fledged, ear piercing, blood curdling screaming. i screamed until my throat hurt and i coudln't see because my eyes were watering, though they may have been watering from my crying as well. it felt so good. pain needs to almost kill you before you can get past it sometimes.
i had the best night of sleep last night. i dreamed solid dreams with real plot lines. i don't really feel like explaining them. i woke up over an hour before my alarm went off completely ready to be awake and start my day. i ate breakfast, talked to my mom, hung around, showered, and still had time to kill before i went to work. no rushing around today. but i thought of ((you)) all through it all. ((you)) kill me and ((you)) don't even know it.
<3 <3 <3
i'm really aggravated with God right now because i feel like i'm being dealt bad hands at life. yeah, love sucks, but what else is new there? i'm always preoccupied with that kind of stuff but in the back of my head i know it will all work out. but other stuff in life just sucks right now. the biggest thing is that keri probably won't be coming back to BC next year. i'm fucking devastated. i completely understand though because BC didn't give her any money and the other school (John Carroll) gave her a ton i guess. but basically i just know that she's going to go there because why woudln't she? but everytime i ask she says she doesn't know yet. i wish she would just stop and make her decision already.
i liked ohio. a lot. i wish i could have stayed longer. sometimes it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're with good people. i would have hung out with those people for a much longer time. i can't help but wonder if keri and i will even talk if she goes to this other school. this sucks.
all i want to do right now is sit in my room and watch movies and eat junk food all day/night. that's all i ever want to do when i'm in this kind of mood. the thing i really NEED to do is get off my ass and distract myself with something. i can't dwell on disappointment, it kills me.
i want to throw all my guts up and have them laid out for everyone to see. i want to write 40,000 pages of whatever the fuck i want and have everyone read them. i want someone to call me who i really want to talk to and i want them to tell me that i'm alright and that once again, i'm just freaking out over stupid shit.
i went to the beach after work today and i swam underwater and screamed the whole time and it was amazing. i drove around last night screaming too. my voice was so shot today. there's something about screaming that makes you feel better. i screamed a lot of shit. i screamed at God, i screamed at ((you)), i screamed at the other people driving. and i don't mean like just shouting, "ahhh this sucks!" i mean full-fledged, ear piercing, blood curdling screaming. i screamed until my throat hurt and i coudln't see because my eyes were watering, though they may have been watering from my crying as well. it felt so good. pain needs to almost kill you before you can get past it sometimes.
i had the best night of sleep last night. i dreamed solid dreams with real plot lines. i don't really feel like explaining them. i woke up over an hour before my alarm went off completely ready to be awake and start my day. i ate breakfast, talked to my mom, hung around, showered, and still had time to kill before i went to work. no rushing around today. but i thought of ((you)) all through it all. ((you)) kill me and ((you)) don't even know it.
<3 <3 <3