(no subject)
Today, I think I learned a valuable lesson that I hadn't intended to learn: to pick my battles.
A battle that deserves to be fought is one in which an individual may suffer based on the outcome. A battle that deserves to be fought is one in which an individual's dignity--that inherent dignity of being able to live secure in oneself--is threatened by the outcome. A battle that deserves to be fought, will be fought, regardless of the cost to me and regardless of the personal loss that I may incur.
A battle to be right or to get a jab in, or even just to make a point, does not fit that criteria.
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Yesterday and this morning. Visiting Andi, going out with her and her friend to a bar in Morgantown and talking with the two of them until 3:33 in the morning. Staying up with Andi until 4:24.
Yesterday and this morning--I've not yet slept.
I've spent much of today wondering what, exactly, went on yesterday and this morning. I've tried to read the poplars and the sky and the heat; I've tried to read the words that keep coming to my mind.
They all mean absolutely nothing to me.
"For I so loved the world that I wrote my will across the sky in stars . . .." He was burned when he came back, burned clean and empty, and those who loved him loved him still because they wanted to believe that he remained, somewhere in the deep parts beneath the sword of Allah that he had been cleansed to become. Inshallah--as God wills it. Inshallah, Inshallah. His forehead burned. That was the context in which I read the words that I know meant the most . . . but is that the context in which I should take them?
And yet, amidst all of that confusion of gods and brick walls and things that had meaning . . . I think that that was one of the most beautiful times of my life. I honestly do, and I'm so, SO glad that it happened. I'm glad to have met Becca; I'm glad to have played and fought and known that I was holding something back even if they were, too. I'm glad to have seen Andi again--SO glad.
I can't believe I had forgotten how much she meant in my life.
+ + + + +
We saw Emmy off to the Governor's School of the Arts today, and I don't know what life will be for the next three weeks--I don't know what I'll do without my sister.
She thinks I hold her up, but she has always been the one who has held me up.
+ + + + +
Today was the first day in my life that my father has ever acknowledged that I had to fight tooth and nail for every shred of self-respect I ever had. I don't know if this is a step forward, an admonition, or a gesture of helplessness on his part. I'm inclined to take it as all three.
+ + + + +
Today has granted me a great deal of light, and I am grateful. I don't know quite what it illuminates yet . . . but I am closer to seeing.
Love to all of those who have made the past two days some of the most powerful I've yet lived.
A battle that deserves to be fought is one in which an individual may suffer based on the outcome. A battle that deserves to be fought is one in which an individual's dignity--that inherent dignity of being able to live secure in oneself--is threatened by the outcome. A battle that deserves to be fought, will be fought, regardless of the cost to me and regardless of the personal loss that I may incur.
A battle to be right or to get a jab in, or even just to make a point, does not fit that criteria.
+ + + + +
Yesterday and this morning. Visiting Andi, going out with her and her friend to a bar in Morgantown and talking with the two of them until 3:33 in the morning. Staying up with Andi until 4:24.
Yesterday and this morning--I've not yet slept.
I've spent much of today wondering what, exactly, went on yesterday and this morning. I've tried to read the poplars and the sky and the heat; I've tried to read the words that keep coming to my mind.
They all mean absolutely nothing to me.
"For I so loved the world that I wrote my will across the sky in stars . . .." He was burned when he came back, burned clean and empty, and those who loved him loved him still because they wanted to believe that he remained, somewhere in the deep parts beneath the sword of Allah that he had been cleansed to become. Inshallah--as God wills it. Inshallah, Inshallah. His forehead burned. That was the context in which I read the words that I know meant the most . . . but is that the context in which I should take them?
And yet, amidst all of that confusion of gods and brick walls and things that had meaning . . . I think that that was one of the most beautiful times of my life. I honestly do, and I'm so, SO glad that it happened. I'm glad to have met Becca; I'm glad to have played and fought and known that I was holding something back even if they were, too. I'm glad to have seen Andi again--SO glad.
I can't believe I had forgotten how much she meant in my life.
+ + + + +
We saw Emmy off to the Governor's School of the Arts today, and I don't know what life will be for the next three weeks--I don't know what I'll do without my sister.
She thinks I hold her up, but she has always been the one who has held me up.
+ + + + +
Today was the first day in my life that my father has ever acknowledged that I had to fight tooth and nail for every shred of self-respect I ever had. I don't know if this is a step forward, an admonition, or a gesture of helplessness on his part. I'm inclined to take it as all three.
+ + + + +
Today has granted me a great deal of light, and I am grateful. I don't know quite what it illuminates yet . . . but I am closer to seeing.
Love to all of those who have made the past two days some of the most powerful I've yet lived.