OMG! my lj account isnt dead!
So..it has bee like...months since my last livejournal and i am now on spring break and since it is after 9pm, the rest of my family is asleep (except my brother with whom i am having an IM chat with even though he's less than 20 feet from me) so i decided hey, lets do an lj entry..
I guess the most important thing would be my trip to mississippi..When i found out in like october or november that i got picked to go..i was more pumped than i have been about anything in a really long time..so i was really excited to go and then, 2 weeks before the trip, due to some "stuff," pretty much everything i thought i knew or thought about God and jesus and all that jazz was pretty much ripped out from under me. I questioned a lot of stuff and was having some serious "gonna build a taller ladder than jacobs and punch god in the face cuz im WAY mad at him right now" moments and without going into detail, the 2 weeks before the trip were pretty much some of the hardest weeks of my whole life..and i was like umm..i feel like i can't even pray or talk about god without wanting to hit something or cry and how am i ever going to go down there and be strong enough to be part of this team that is supposta do something great..and so it was really tough, and i thought once or twice about not going but thought id definitely regret it forever if i didnt..so i packed my stuff and the sweetest-awsomest-craziest thing happend when i got in the van to go (heck yes-we drove for 20 hours to mississippi) and i completely stopped thinking about it and questioning things and for the whole week it didnt hurt so bad like it had for the two weeks before we went and i wasn't angry and crying and i could pray and listen to a person read the bible, and actually read it myself, without wanting to throw it across a room..and God really delivered and picked me up, i guess when you're that far down, the only way to look is up and its hard to explain or bring justice to if you didnt see me or talk to me in the 2 weeks before the trip, but i didnt think about stuff when i was there and i got to just go and not worry about things and i think it was God's way of bringing me back..the bible talks all the time about how god would leave the 99 to come and bring back just 1 person (actually sheep as in, god is the shepherd, but you get the point)and god did some serious healing and brought me back to him in a way i was hoping for but not expecting...I am still working through some stuff, but im not angry anymore and i finally..for the first time in my life..understand that i dont have to have all the answers..i think i used to be sure that everyone expected me to cuz i was on session or at jesus school or whatever..but note: i dont, and i dont need all the answers anymore either..and again, nothing that an lj entry can bring to justice, but you cant imagine the amount of weight lifted off my shoulders when my mom said that to me and i actually got it...
so..on with mississippi..it was amazing..we went down with a team of 10 college student females and 2 male staff members as our group leaders and we were working with the north carolina baptist mens group and they do some SERIOUS work in disaster relief all the time..and so we went down and it was 10 college girls, 2 younger adult guys with us and pretty much 200 older, retired men. But let me tell you something, it was amazing to see how those men loved jesus..i heard someone say when i was down there that what we were doing was love in action, and let me tell you, those men were a huge inspiration to our group because when i think of what a 70 year old guy usually does its golf and shuffleboard and reading the newspaper.its definitely not saving the world by working 12 hour days as a volunteer doing all kinds of housing projects..but the n.c. mens groups have been coming each week since the storm, like 200 different guys EACH WEEK do you REALIZE how many men that is!?!? it was just so awesome that they were so devoted to helping others out..so it was cool to work with them..most of what we did was split up into smaller groups and do odd-type jobs like painting, roofing (pronounced:ruhffin') and doing work at the old national guard armory where the men stayed and we had our tool and supply warehouse. But during the week, as a group, we helped at least 8 families get back into their homes. I mean, i do some stuff at school sometimes that is helpful to others, but the feeling of knowing that if my group and i paint this womans room, she can move back into the house she hasnt lived in for 5 months, it was amazing. it was really hard when we got back because i was like uh..i ahvent been that constructive in like years, i dont need college..but i got over it...the next super sweet thing about the trip was the team i went with. if anyone in the whole world tried, they could not make a group of 10 college/teenage girls who dont know eachother get along for a week (including a good 47 hours in a van), but god did it. The girls were all awesome, each in their own way and everyone brought something different to the group and we all got to learn a lot from eachother and get pretty tight (we still have breakfast on tuesday mornings at 7:30am, even when some of them don't have class till later in the day) and it was just awesome getting to know some people well because of that whole "im a transfer i dont kno anyone" deal, so it was pretty sweet. And next year i am rooming with one of them, which i am pretty excited about because we will have forts and tents in our apartment because we're that cool. I dont think it would do any sort of justice to include other things that really made the week amazing, so i wont bother...but ask me about it if you really want to know cuz i could talk off both your ears about mississippi and then some because it was amazing...i got to talk about the trip at my church in rochester a few weeks ago, they had a potluck for me and everything, and it was great cuz i had their undivided attention for an hour and a half to just talk about what ppl in mississippi are going through and what i got to be a part of, and i just love the people at that church..and the sunday after easter the new pastor at my church at home is going to be out of town so i get to do the sermon that day about my trip and what i learned, etc. so its gonna be good..i hope..once i write the sermon..and im really excited about what god is doing down there..the one thing worth mentioning is that when we were down there, the nc baptist men and their work had been responsible for over 200 people getting saved, mostly the homeowners because we chat and pray and bible read with them when we were there but its just really cool..dont get me wrong, the hurricane deal sucked, and agian..i dont have those answers, but what i do know is that it happened and so instead of searching for answers we arent going to get, those baptist men are done there getting things done, and its doing some amazing things. (a note for my missions team:the lj entry, and breakfast/lunch/dinner, are NOT over yet..keep reading/eating)
I guess the next topic would be good ole' p4k, aka the after-school program i work at up at school. The first part of the semester i was pretty pumped about getting paid to pay skip-bo 1433409765 times a week, and then after a meeting with our director i realized that wasnt quite what i was there to do. So, i decided to take an initiative, if you will, and try to make it more fun for the kids, cuz happy kids are (usually) well behaved kids, which creates happy counselors and that jsut makes everyone's life better. So instead of sitting in the game/coloring/randomstuff room, i decided to go to the rec. room more and play kickball and stuff with the kids and that has made it a lot better cuz some of the older boys respect me now instead of well..lets just say, disrespecting me..and last week we were in different rooms because of some other stuff going on in the church building we use and so i got to do some sweet arts and crafts stuff with the kids, so work is much better now that i am trying and the kids are having more fun.
my future - i was in my educational psychology class last week and she was talking about learning goals and how we should have goals to learn the material and i pretty much realized that the only reason i go to class and do my work is so that i can try to get lots of A's and a high GPA, which matters but definitely is not what college is about..so she got me thinking..of course..about what exactly i am doing being a teacher-ed major if i don't really know that i want to teach..im gonna stick with the major with the idea in mind that if i join the peace corps and i teach in the peace corps, then it wont be totally useless..plus im half done in 4 weeks anyway and the classes are really easy and i like hangin out in the 'hood doing OPE's and stuff..so its not so bad..but if you would like to plan my future for me, just let me know, send me a text or something...i have like 100 different livejournal entries about how i am sure that THIS is the thing i am supposta do with my life..well uh..i really have no idea..which i guess is okay (or at least i am learning to be okay with it) since i have 2 years left of school anyway...but still..anyway, in the mean time, i decided to apply for an Americorps program (the domestic version of the peace corps) for next year at a youth bureau up where i go to school. it's doing youth bureau/working with kids type stuff which is pretty much all i ever do anyway, but i think it will open some doors for me and maybe give me a little insight into what i want to do with my life and hopefully i can be mississippi-like constructive again and do some good things for the kids and the community..we'll see..im hoping to meet with the lady in charge next week..so pray for it, because this is something i think could be really good for me.
I think that's everything that warrants its own paragraph..but here's some other stuff..
*its finally nice outside..which..i know everyone enjoys, but if you're me and Howard Gardner would classify you as having the "naturalist" intelligence, then warm weather is so much more than "at least its not snowing." I duno, but something about being outside makes me feel like i can breathe and it just makes me happy when i can be outside and play in the dirt and stuff..so spring is good.
*CAMP!!!its coming soon and im so pumped and it starts in 75 days..as of today, but 74 by the time most of you read this..i know countdowns arent great because then we spend our whole lives looking forward to things instead of enjoying the moment blah blah blah..but yea, 75 days :)
*so apparently i am anemic..which is like number 8 on the list of random chronic illnesses and ailments that i have..so thats cool..so if you have been reading my away messages for like the past month noticing that i have been going to bed at like 8pm or sooner, its cuz i was wayyyy tired forever, but i finally got myself some iron and i am slowly getting over my fear of red meat, so im good to go...it just makes me nervous that i'm gonna die before im like 30 because of all the random crap that is wrong with me..but as long as stuff is fixable and isnt really gonna kill me, i dont mind much, id rather it be me than someone else..
*i am taking skills in swimming for gym in the fall..enough said - the rest of my classes were planned around that.
*my brother is 16 now. that meanst he can drive. we all need to find our way to neverland real fast cuz we'er growing up and i dont much care for it.
*i am still doing dance ministries this semester..and i love it..im dancing in chapel the wednesday we get back from break to Amazing Love, good song, good dance, and a sweet group (only 8 of us so im kinda nervous) so it will be a good thing i hope.
I think that is sufficient for now..i just copied and pasted it and in a single-spaced word document its 4 pages long..if only i could type like this for Historians Craft (WHAT WAS I THINKING) then i would be all set, unfortunately, i cant, so im going to bed so i can work hardcore tomorrow on papers so i have no work to do the rest of the semester..how sweet :)
umm..i think i might try to update a little more frequently, i kinda miss it, it helps me to think straight and now that i am physically able to stay up past 8pm, i might have time..so good night friends and stay positive and make good choices :)
tonight's mood: recumbent..who even knows what that means? i hope its not something sick..whatever
I guess the most important thing would be my trip to mississippi..When i found out in like october or november that i got picked to go..i was more pumped than i have been about anything in a really long time..so i was really excited to go and then, 2 weeks before the trip, due to some "stuff," pretty much everything i thought i knew or thought about God and jesus and all that jazz was pretty much ripped out from under me. I questioned a lot of stuff and was having some serious "gonna build a taller ladder than jacobs and punch god in the face cuz im WAY mad at him right now" moments and without going into detail, the 2 weeks before the trip were pretty much some of the hardest weeks of my whole life..and i was like umm..i feel like i can't even pray or talk about god without wanting to hit something or cry and how am i ever going to go down there and be strong enough to be part of this team that is supposta do something great..and so it was really tough, and i thought once or twice about not going but thought id definitely regret it forever if i didnt..so i packed my stuff and the sweetest-awsomest-craziest thing happend when i got in the van to go (heck yes-we drove for 20 hours to mississippi) and i completely stopped thinking about it and questioning things and for the whole week it didnt hurt so bad like it had for the two weeks before we went and i wasn't angry and crying and i could pray and listen to a person read the bible, and actually read it myself, without wanting to throw it across a room..and God really delivered and picked me up, i guess when you're that far down, the only way to look is up and its hard to explain or bring justice to if you didnt see me or talk to me in the 2 weeks before the trip, but i didnt think about stuff when i was there and i got to just go and not worry about things and i think it was God's way of bringing me back..the bible talks all the time about how god would leave the 99 to come and bring back just 1 person (actually sheep as in, god is the shepherd, but you get the point)and god did some serious healing and brought me back to him in a way i was hoping for but not expecting...I am still working through some stuff, but im not angry anymore and i finally..for the first time in my life..understand that i dont have to have all the answers..i think i used to be sure that everyone expected me to cuz i was on session or at jesus school or whatever..but note: i dont, and i dont need all the answers anymore either..and again, nothing that an lj entry can bring to justice, but you cant imagine the amount of weight lifted off my shoulders when my mom said that to me and i actually got it...
so..on with mississippi..it was amazing..we went down with a team of 10 college student females and 2 male staff members as our group leaders and we were working with the north carolina baptist mens group and they do some SERIOUS work in disaster relief all the time..and so we went down and it was 10 college girls, 2 younger adult guys with us and pretty much 200 older, retired men. But let me tell you something, it was amazing to see how those men loved jesus..i heard someone say when i was down there that what we were doing was love in action, and let me tell you, those men were a huge inspiration to our group because when i think of what a 70 year old guy usually does its golf and shuffleboard and reading the newspaper.its definitely not saving the world by working 12 hour days as a volunteer doing all kinds of housing projects..but the n.c. mens groups have been coming each week since the storm, like 200 different guys EACH WEEK do you REALIZE how many men that is!?!? it was just so awesome that they were so devoted to helping others out..so it was cool to work with them..most of what we did was split up into smaller groups and do odd-type jobs like painting, roofing (pronounced:ruhffin') and doing work at the old national guard armory where the men stayed and we had our tool and supply warehouse. But during the week, as a group, we helped at least 8 families get back into their homes. I mean, i do some stuff at school sometimes that is helpful to others, but the feeling of knowing that if my group and i paint this womans room, she can move back into the house she hasnt lived in for 5 months, it was amazing. it was really hard when we got back because i was like uh..i ahvent been that constructive in like years, i dont need college..but i got over it...the next super sweet thing about the trip was the team i went with. if anyone in the whole world tried, they could not make a group of 10 college/teenage girls who dont know eachother get along for a week (including a good 47 hours in a van), but god did it. The girls were all awesome, each in their own way and everyone brought something different to the group and we all got to learn a lot from eachother and get pretty tight (we still have breakfast on tuesday mornings at 7:30am, even when some of them don't have class till later in the day) and it was just awesome getting to know some people well because of that whole "im a transfer i dont kno anyone" deal, so it was pretty sweet. And next year i am rooming with one of them, which i am pretty excited about because we will have forts and tents in our apartment because we're that cool. I dont think it would do any sort of justice to include other things that really made the week amazing, so i wont bother...but ask me about it if you really want to know cuz i could talk off both your ears about mississippi and then some because it was amazing...i got to talk about the trip at my church in rochester a few weeks ago, they had a potluck for me and everything, and it was great cuz i had their undivided attention for an hour and a half to just talk about what ppl in mississippi are going through and what i got to be a part of, and i just love the people at that church..and the sunday after easter the new pastor at my church at home is going to be out of town so i get to do the sermon that day about my trip and what i learned, etc. so its gonna be good..i hope..once i write the sermon..and im really excited about what god is doing down there..the one thing worth mentioning is that when we were down there, the nc baptist men and their work had been responsible for over 200 people getting saved, mostly the homeowners because we chat and pray and bible read with them when we were there but its just really cool..dont get me wrong, the hurricane deal sucked, and agian..i dont have those answers, but what i do know is that it happened and so instead of searching for answers we arent going to get, those baptist men are done there getting things done, and its doing some amazing things. (a note for my missions team:the lj entry, and breakfast/lunch/dinner, are NOT over yet..keep reading/eating)
I guess the next topic would be good ole' p4k, aka the after-school program i work at up at school. The first part of the semester i was pretty pumped about getting paid to pay skip-bo 1433409765 times a week, and then after a meeting with our director i realized that wasnt quite what i was there to do. So, i decided to take an initiative, if you will, and try to make it more fun for the kids, cuz happy kids are (usually) well behaved kids, which creates happy counselors and that jsut makes everyone's life better. So instead of sitting in the game/coloring/randomstuff room, i decided to go to the rec. room more and play kickball and stuff with the kids and that has made it a lot better cuz some of the older boys respect me now instead of well..lets just say, disrespecting me..and last week we were in different rooms because of some other stuff going on in the church building we use and so i got to do some sweet arts and crafts stuff with the kids, so work is much better now that i am trying and the kids are having more fun.
my future - i was in my educational psychology class last week and she was talking about learning goals and how we should have goals to learn the material and i pretty much realized that the only reason i go to class and do my work is so that i can try to get lots of A's and a high GPA, which matters but definitely is not what college is about..so she got me thinking..of course..about what exactly i am doing being a teacher-ed major if i don't really know that i want to teach..im gonna stick with the major with the idea in mind that if i join the peace corps and i teach in the peace corps, then it wont be totally useless..plus im half done in 4 weeks anyway and the classes are really easy and i like hangin out in the 'hood doing OPE's and stuff..so its not so bad..but if you would like to plan my future for me, just let me know, send me a text or something...i have like 100 different livejournal entries about how i am sure that THIS is the thing i am supposta do with my life..well uh..i really have no idea..which i guess is okay (or at least i am learning to be okay with it) since i have 2 years left of school anyway...but still..anyway, in the mean time, i decided to apply for an Americorps program (the domestic version of the peace corps) for next year at a youth bureau up where i go to school. it's doing youth bureau/working with kids type stuff which is pretty much all i ever do anyway, but i think it will open some doors for me and maybe give me a little insight into what i want to do with my life and hopefully i can be mississippi-like constructive again and do some good things for the kids and the community..we'll see..im hoping to meet with the lady in charge next week..so pray for it, because this is something i think could be really good for me.
I think that's everything that warrants its own paragraph..but here's some other stuff..
*its finally nice outside..which..i know everyone enjoys, but if you're me and Howard Gardner would classify you as having the "naturalist" intelligence, then warm weather is so much more than "at least its not snowing." I duno, but something about being outside makes me feel like i can breathe and it just makes me happy when i can be outside and play in the dirt and stuff..so spring is good.
*CAMP!!!its coming soon and im so pumped and it starts in 75 days..as of today, but 74 by the time most of you read this..i know countdowns arent great because then we spend our whole lives looking forward to things instead of enjoying the moment blah blah blah..but yea, 75 days :)
*so apparently i am anemic..which is like number 8 on the list of random chronic illnesses and ailments that i have..so thats cool..so if you have been reading my away messages for like the past month noticing that i have been going to bed at like 8pm or sooner, its cuz i was wayyyy tired forever, but i finally got myself some iron and i am slowly getting over my fear of red meat, so im good to go...it just makes me nervous that i'm gonna die before im like 30 because of all the random crap that is wrong with me..but as long as stuff is fixable and isnt really gonna kill me, i dont mind much, id rather it be me than someone else..
*i am taking skills in swimming for gym in the fall..enough said - the rest of my classes were planned around that.
*my brother is 16 now. that meanst he can drive. we all need to find our way to neverland real fast cuz we'er growing up and i dont much care for it.
*i am still doing dance ministries this semester..and i love it..im dancing in chapel the wednesday we get back from break to Amazing Love, good song, good dance, and a sweet group (only 8 of us so im kinda nervous) so it will be a good thing i hope.
I think that is sufficient for now..i just copied and pasted it and in a single-spaced word document its 4 pages long..if only i could type like this for Historians Craft (WHAT WAS I THINKING) then i would be all set, unfortunately, i cant, so im going to bed so i can work hardcore tomorrow on papers so i have no work to do the rest of the semester..how sweet :)
umm..i think i might try to update a little more frequently, i kinda miss it, it helps me to think straight and now that i am physically able to stay up past 8pm, i might have time..so good night friends and stay positive and make good choices :)
tonight's mood: recumbent..who even knows what that means? i hope its not something sick..whatever