Waiting for Death
I have never felt this before. The suffocating darkness that death throws over everyone who knows of its presence. The last time someone in my family died was when I was 5 or 6. I didn't quite understand then. Death couldn't get past the shield of innocence that I possessed. I wish I could find that shield that I so carelessly cast aside years ago.
I hate the hospital so much now. No longer does it seem like a place of healing. Instead, it is a dark tomb in which you fearfully wait for death to take the ones you love. I can't stand to visit my grandfather anymore. I can't stand to see him reduced to a simple shell that once held the man I most respected.
He wasn't supposed to live through the night. He did though. God has yet to take him. It is so hard not to raise my fists in anger at God. I can't understand why He just won't take my grandfather to Him. He has done so much already. What more could he have left to do?
It feels childish, but I just wish someone would hold me. Just let me cry out every sadness, every fear, every tormented part of my soul. My family is so close yet so far. Talk to them about the "business" aspect of death, but don't mention how it makes you feel. Don't mention that constricting pain that has wrapped around your heart.
So how do you wait for someone to die? How do you continue to be strong? How do you thank the people from church that bring dinners and words of encouragement...without breaking into tears? How do you tell them that their "I hope he gets well soon"'s and their "I hope he feels better"'s are empty? That he will never feel better? That he will never be well again?
...At least...not in this world.
I hate the hospital so much now. No longer does it seem like a place of healing. Instead, it is a dark tomb in which you fearfully wait for death to take the ones you love. I can't stand to visit my grandfather anymore. I can't stand to see him reduced to a simple shell that once held the man I most respected.
He wasn't supposed to live through the night. He did though. God has yet to take him. It is so hard not to raise my fists in anger at God. I can't understand why He just won't take my grandfather to Him. He has done so much already. What more could he have left to do?
It feels childish, but I just wish someone would hold me. Just let me cry out every sadness, every fear, every tormented part of my soul. My family is so close yet so far. Talk to them about the "business" aspect of death, but don't mention how it makes you feel. Don't mention that constricting pain that has wrapped around your heart.
So how do you wait for someone to die? How do you continue to be strong? How do you thank the people from church that bring dinners and words of encouragement...without breaking into tears? How do you tell them that their "I hope he gets well soon"'s and their "I hope he feels better"'s are empty? That he will never feel better? That he will never be well again?
...At least...not in this world.