OOM: Doors and Years
It always feels good to run. Even when it’s cold out, like now, it can’t touch him. And he can see more in this form, hear the slightest noise, smell every scent. It’s clean, and pure in a way he’s never known before because there are no people here to foul anything up. Just he and Random and even their traces aren’t this far out because they’ve never really explored further than the lake. Which is strange, as they have a whole world at their disposal - only it’s not really strange, he thinks. Not for him anyway because what does the rest of the place matter? If Random’s at the house, that’s where his interest lies.
He runs further and finds that it’s easier to think of himself as Sanluin in this form. It means ‘black cat’ after all. But the thing that’s nagging at him keeps nagging and running doesn’t help him think about it, or avoid the thoughts. So he slows to a walk and looks around - he’s about halfway up a hill. The house can’t be seen from here and only the tip of the lake, he’s come about five miles already. There’s forest off to the east and he doesn’t know what’s over the hill but figures he might as well find out.
If Random’s at the house, that’s where my interest lies. He repeats the thought to himself as he moves and finally just stops and lies down with his head on his front paws. He’s forced to think, again, of what’s bothered him for months now. Because although he knows he has Random’s interest, he’s not the only one who does. Unlike himself, Random has a multitude of reasons to stay in the bar - Amber’s not safe, he has time, they met there, friends…Martin. Always Martin.
He hated the kid the moment he showed up. Because he showed up and immediately started insulting his father, which was never going to get them off on the right foot. Reasons behind it or not, he doesn’t care. Martin didn’t wait to get any explanation from his father before shooting off at the mouth, so why should he get any concessions now? That’s what he thinks.
Of course he admits, to himself, that his thinking isn’t exactly straight when it comes to kids, especially not sons. His past with them isn’t exactly stellar. But he resents that Random has to explain every little thing to the boy and then put up with his shit for it, he hates that Martin gets to judge him for his past and upset Random about it, when it’s none of his fucking business. He can’t bear that Random almost seemed to apologise to the kid for what had happened with Arithon - Martin hadn’t even been in the bar then. He didn’t understand the circumstances but he still gets to throw his toys out of the cot and cause Random to fight with him and break and get drunk and…he growls and stands up. Anger courses through him and makes being still impossible, so he starts walking up the hill, strong muscles working under sleek black fur and making the climb easy.
I don’t want to be something you have to apologise for Random. But for fuck’s sake, you’ve never asked me to change. And Martin hasn’t either, but he doesn’t approve and so how long will it be before you want me to change to be something you don’t have to feel embarrassed about? And he’s not even been fucking born yet where you come from.
He raises his muzzle and snarls at the sky because he hates this. He’s already faced what he did and Martin has no clue how harsh the punishment was. Justified, maybe, but that didn’t make it any easier on him or Arithon. He’s just hearing about the crime and making his own judgements that he has no right to make. And Random’s the one that suffers. Anger courses through him again at the mere thought and he’s running, attacking rabbits out for a late meal, chasing anything that moves near him, just for the sake of it.
There’s an easy enough solution, he thinks. The door’s there at the bar and he’s got to go through it sometime. Not that he wants Martin, of all people, to drive him to his death but maybe it’s better than choosing to walk away from Random and die. Although it’s stupid because fuck it, he doesn’t have to die at all. He’s got five hundred years now, or will have them soon. He could just walk away from his previous life and draw a line under it right now. Go back to Columbia and bring money back, enough to live on for years and years - and shit, if he needs more he can always go into business again in some other shadow. He’ll have time.
Ramon walks up the slope and reaches the crest, his cats eyes taking in a spectacular panorama that he’d had no idea was even here. Jesus… The valley is wide and enormous, there’s rolling plains and a forest and another lake in the middle, that animals are clearly drinking from. The moon is high in the perfectly clear sky and it sends its light everywhere, making everything shine in shades of shadow or pale white.
It was right here and we never knew.
Sums up a lot about him really. He sits and takes it in, his tail curling round his paws. And as he looks, it all becomes quite simple, as though the moonlight and new landscape reveals the simplicity behind the decision.
He can’t just walk away from the business he built over twenty-five years. He lost his son for that business and he’s not leaving it now. There has to be some kind of closure on it before he can leave it - because he thinks he’s going to have to leave it. Maybe not straight away, because there’s months before Jieret dies and he’ll be formally required to take over as caith’d’ein…but he’s under no illusions that it’ll be a full time job. Maybe he can let Hector take over and just look in every once in a while - presumably, if he finds some way to survive the death he’s already been told about…
…the line of thought trails off. If cats could frown, he’d be doing it. Because…reborn. A second chance. The mark on his soul was no longer there and…changed fate?
Asandir had changed everything. His name, on a deep magical level. His fate. He was now destined to be caith’d’ein, wasn’t he? Ramon can’t help wondering if that means his death isn’t as assured as it had been a few days ago. But he’s not going to get his hopes up and he’s not going to mention it to Random in case it gets his up. But it’ll be something to ask the sorcerer about, should he get the chance.
He returns to the musing on his old life. If Hector took over the business, he might ruin it - but it also stood a chance of being carried on, provided he had kids. Or he could take one of the boys in hand, his own sons, and teach them. They’re both still young enough to learn. Hector would not say no to the chance and then he’d be free to retire - or rather, go into hiding because if he manages to survive, he’ll still be wanted by the police probably.
But he has to get out of prison. He has to be somewhat free to move around on Earth - he can’t stand the thought that he’ll have to be in hiding every time he tries to go home, if he remains in jail. That means walking through the door and taking his chances. And he’s not just walking away from his life’s work. He needs to draw a line under the old life before he can move on to the new. There’s absolutely no way around that, he knows it as surely as he knows his own name. Both of them.
And really, would it be so terrible if he did die? There’s now no chance of the Dark One taking him. If he died, there was a good chance he’d end up in Milliways anyway - and there would be Random. OK, so he wouldn’t be able to leave for more than a few days at a time. But there would be Random, and really, that’s all that matters. He wouldn’t be as much use to Arithon but that can’t be helped. This has to be done. And if his death made Martin more comfortable about things…well, he doesn’t think it would be a bonus. Random probably wouldn’t think so either but still, if it would make his lovers life easier then that’s a good thing.
He turns from the view and starts padding back down the hill, wanting to get back to the house before the anger died enough to change him back and leave him with a hard walk through the snow with eyes that aren’t as useful at night. And he thinks that maybe being in this form has helped. There’s a simplicity involved in it. Go home. Sort out your escape from prison and the future of the business. Come back. Explain everything to Random. Leave through the door. Die or not. End up back at the bar either way, and start over.
Sanluin starts to run and it feels as good as ever, although the anger over the Martin situation is still there. He thinks he’ll never get Random to see that Martin will just have to take him as he is and learn to live with it. He’ll try his best, and stay away from the kid if that’s what he’s asked to do - but he’s not changing, not for that boy. Random’s the only person he’d consider it for but he thinks that he knows better than to ask.
I love you baby but he’s your son, not ours. I’ll be dead before he comes along. I accept him for what he is - don’t like it, but accept it - and now it’s time for him to do the same.
He wants to say it to Random’s face but the thought is nearly enough to make him stumble as he runs for home. Because no matter how many times Random says that he’d never be able to choose between them - he’s convinced he’d take Martin if he had to make a choice. Because even with another five hundred years - he’s still mortal. He’ll still be gone eventually and maybe a lot sooner, as he’s about to see rather a lot of war with Arithon. And that’s OK because he’s done his best to get more time and now he’s got it. And he’ll try his damn best to live it all out and make Random happy for all those years…and after them, Martin will still be there. Who could really blame him for taking the stable option? But as he’d said, hopefully that choice will never have to be made. Ramon thinks, as he nears the lake and starts running round it towards the house, that the best thing he can do in this situation is make sure that Random never has to choose.
And it occurs to him, as he slows to a walk for the last hundred metres or so, that the best way of ensuring that is to die. Because then he’s no threat at all.
He sits and looks over the water, waiting for tiredness to over come him so that he’ll change back. He doesn’t want to go up to Random in this form because then he’ll know something made him angry and want to know about it. He’d rather keep all this away, the same way he’s concealing the fact that the door is there.
It’s cold tonight and there’s been new snow. But it doesn’t touch him. I know you’d never expect me to die for you Random. I know I wont die for Martin. But for a fresh start, now that my soul is my own again? For the chance for a forever with you, whether I’m alive or not?
Yes. I’d die for that. So I’m putting my affairs in order and then we’ll see how it plays out baby. And no matter what, I’ll come back to you. Because if it weren’t for you, I’d be back there already. If it weren’t for you I’d have killed myself in that cell and I’d be in Hell right now, because of that stupid oath I took. And now I have a chance to start over, with you…I’m not going to blow it. I swear.
Cats can’t smile but that’s OK, because Ramon can when he’s human. And he is now, getting up off the snow and stretching, watching as the sun starts to appear over the horizon of their celery-skied world. He lights a cigarette and sits on a rock close to the back door, watching the sunrise. He feels better now it’s decided upon. It’ll be hard telling Random, he knows. But it has to happen. And when it’s all done, it’ll be done and he won’t have to worry about it any more. It’s almost worth it for that alone.
He flicks the butt of the cigarette away and walks inside. The sun’s up and he’s hungry - he’ll wake Random and get him to open the door to the bar, with promises of bringing back a huge breakfast for him to eat in bed. In the meantime though, he has details to work out. And has to think of a way to reassure Random that he won’t murder his son, much as he’d like to. But for now, shower, food and the concrete plans for a new life. It’s enough for today.