bored update

[latinloveking]

i am upset. why? because the one's that seem to be just right are either one..taken..two..think of me as a brother..three find me ugly ugly ugly...well im assuming most do..when i think someone is pretty, and the moment is approprite ill tell them. dosnt mean i want their hot bodies right in that spot, just that they are attractive to me, is that so bad?..no..so why dosnt anyone say..hey seb ur a good looking guy..is it cause im not?..i mean..honestly..i know im not like a model..but im not ugly right?..maybe i am, in which case its time for me to consider life alone. which dosnt seem to bad, but ive been renting these strings of films that deal with being alone. part of me dosnt want it..the other half does. i sincerly hate growing up more than most people can understand. its hard being alone, but i get used to it. and if it dosnt work out, then whatever, i was ment to die young i just know it. stabbing myself those years back was probably to early, ive always known that either when im 27 or 30, i need to put an end to it. i see people get old and fall apart, the young dont like you, your body wont like you, your kids (if u have them) are probably going to put u in some home so they wont have to deal with you. so i figure, live now, dont make connections, do stupid things, act like a brat, be annoyed at stupidities, learn to hate and love equally, and your life will be full of more adventure/drama/love/hate and any other type of small chemical emotion to fill an entire life span with. i dont want to live like i do, i want to live as if im in a movie, i love vanishing behind my films, and under my sheets, and the bodies of the opposite sex. i love reading books where people die at the end, because nothing ever ever plans out how u want it, right?..ive heard that said so many times, but not for me. for me its gonna say..he lived life at random, but was sure when he was gonna be dead and gone. it dosnt matter, because once i die, the people who knew me will be dead sooner or later too, and then it will be just like i never existed in the first place. so, as part of my short life i wanna make an imppression, on the world, on the people in it. i will do something some day that will remind the universe that i sebastian, lived and was hated/loved anything, at some point. so when the future is dying low under a cloud of car exhast they will say, man, it sure wasnt like this in the time of sebastian. if that made you smile a bit, i dont blame you, cause it made me kinda giggle too..but thats what i want, i think. oh well, knowing that being this age is messed up dosnt make it any better to live in. im assuming that people our age are the best philosophers, probably because we think the most about our vanity, self loathing, loves, lives, relations and the relations so many things have to the world everwhere. ever catch yourself walking bast a reflective panel?..or mirror type, and glance up just to see if ur looking ok?..well i do, and i watch everyone else do it too. this entry has no formal structure, or any type of direct connection in thought process, its just me ranting to an internet journal. so if you get offended..and decide to comment ANONYMOUSLY, please dont, because doing that is gonna make u a prick my book. if u want to say, yea i agree, or no i dont agree..go ahead..but dont hide who you are. people freak out when they have arguments over livejournal, i say, welcome to this generation everyone. why what better reason to isolate ourselves than the small glow of the computer screen. i dont need to go outside, i have everything i need her, except for food. but food is only a couple steps away.

i need to die soon, my brain is to old and tired of thinking for its self.