Fanfiction.
Don't worry about this. This is just me trying to organise some of my real old (and of course, terrible) fanfiction I've written.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. All of this belongs to JK Rowling.
A/N: This is my first story ever. Please, please, please review. I would love to read reviews; they make me happy :) Oh and I want to thank Erin very, very much because she helps me very much and she's a wonderful friend and mentor.
Christmas Gift
Christmas was here.
Lily was sitting on the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, humming, while he stood near the fireplace trying not to look at her. Despite his best efforts, he somehow perceived that Lily knew he was staring at her, so he hastily turned his head and looked out the window. Luckily the weather outside didn’t look so cold; he could see many students, and even professors, who had gone outside after eating breakfast for a little fresh air, and noticed that many of them were only wearing a jersey. He could recognize Ellie Duimich, who was celebrating the day with some of her Ravenclaw friends, including Vanessa Monrt under the shade of some tree near the Whomping Willow. There also was Kiron Barnes holding hands with his girlfriend, Tambera, and a group of what looked to be thirteen first years having fun with exploding snap cards. And - oh! - some people, or at least the two he could see were playing a snow fight.
‘Hey James, do you think we should open our presents now?’ Lily inquired.
‘Um.. yeah, sure, why not?’ He answered, still confused and thinking about the snow fight.
‘What are we going to do? Shall we go and look for our presents in our bedrooms and say we’ll meet down here in about… five minutes?’
‘Or maybe we could go to your bedroom and forget about the presents,’ he winked. Before Lily started to jokingly hit James, he laughed. "Just kidding! Just Kidding!".
Five minutes later they met back at the couch, stacking red-and-green wrapped presents all over the Gryffindor carpet.
‘Ready to open your Christmas presents?’ James grinned at Lily.
‘Ready.’ She smiled.
While his hands started unwrapping his gifts, his mind drifted away to another place. He was celebrating Christmas with Lily, who two months ago had hated him. He didn’t know why, or where, or how every thing had changed, yet sometime during mid-November she had changed towards him. She had started acting friendly with him; she didn’t shout at him anymore, or hex him, or make him stay for detention every day using her prefect authority or whatever she used to do. He laughed; it was kind of strange not having someone who constantly hurt his ears all the time. He remembered how painful her voice is whenever she shouts. Instead she was smiling at him, hugging him and having decent conversations with him. It made him think that they’d been friends forever, when in reality, they’d been enemies for years.
He glanced at the few presents that he had already opened. He smirked as he remembered the first time his father gave him his Invisibility Cloak. The first Marauder adventure was thankfully possible because of that magnificent cloak. James had promised to give it to his own child some day. It was easy to think about children at that time. He was sure that the time wouldn’t be too far away; he was going to graduate and the wizarding people tended to get married very early. And even though the love of his life (wow, he sounded like a fool) was standing happily opening Christmas gifts in front of him, he wondered whom he was going to marry. That's when everything hit him: maybe Lily wouldn’t fall for him after all. Maybe she was in love with someone else or maybe she just thought of him as a friend.
A friend…
Since when did they start to be friends? Why did everything change? Why weren’t they enemies anymore?
It wasn’t as though he was lamenting it though. He was glad everything was better now but he just couldn’t help asking himself why.
‘Oh my God, James, it’s beautiful!’
Lily’s shout interrupted him from his thoughts. He looked at her to see what was going on and grinned when he noticed what she was holding in her hands.
The silver necklace shined in Lily’s hand while she, startled, admired it. It was a simple silver chain with an ‘L’ hanging from it surrounded by tiny, purple lilies.
‘You like it? Here, let me help you.’ He stood up and helped Lily with the necklace. It looked perfect on her. He congratulated himself for thinking such a great present.
‘Now it’s your turn! Open my present,’ cheered Lily, looking expectant. James chuckled as he saw Lily. Every single time she got excited her eyes just seemed to… pop off; her cheeks turned all red as her ears and her eyebrows stood in some.. weird way. It was the most unique and laughable face on the world. He loved it.
‘Okay, okay. Let me see what you’ve got me. Here, give me that package over there? Yes, that one. Let’s see.’ He carefully opened the present and discovered a box which was the size of his palm. He stole a glance from Lily who was biting her nails and smiled. What a girl, he thought. He carefully unwrapped the present expecting nothing in particular. Unless…
‘Is this..?’ he asked.
‘Yes!’ she laughed, ‘try them on! I want to see if they fit you. Do you like them?’
‘Do I like them? Do I like them? Of course I don’t like them! I love them! Professional Quidditch players use these gloves, they are great! Lily, thank you so much! But where did you find them? I’ve been looking for them everywhere and they were sold out in every single sport shop.’
‘It doesn’t matter where I got them from.,” she secretively answered, “the important thing is that you have them now.’ Her laugh lighted the room.
Twenty minutes later their presents were opened, and red wrapping paper covered the Common Room’s floor. Some of the first years were shouting and playing with their new magical toys and it was difficult to talk so James suggested going to a quieter place.
‘What about the lake?’
‘Sure. Let’s go.’ The portrait hole opened and they got out. While they walked silence fell between them so James decided to brake it. ‘I can’t wait to show Sirius the gloves. He’ll be so jealous.’
Lily smiled and muttered something like ‘boys’. ‘Where was he?’
‘At his cousin, Andromeda’s. One of the few Blacks that are nice people.’
‘What about Remus and Peter?’
‘Peter went to Egypt with his family and some family friends, and Remus… well, let’s say that Remus preferred spending Christmas with his family this year.’
In fact, that wasn’t true at all. James had asked Remus to spend Christmas with his family so he and Lily could be all by themselves on the holidays. Of course, as the friend he is, Remus accepted.
Looking down to Lily, James thought once more about how beautiful she really was. James had never seen anyone like her. Her hair shined and moved in some unique and soft way and her eyes seemed to sparkle every time. Her lips were very thin, yet lovely. A million of orange, tiny freckles covered her cheeks and nose. He loved her when she laughed, when she was sad, when she shouted at him and when she was angry. He would always love her, no matter what happened. He wanted desperately among everything for Lily to love him back.
‘You know what, James?’ she asked abruptly. She was still facing the lake, and a tone of red was appearing in her pink cheeks, ‘You have really changed. I mean really changed, and I’m very happy because I realized that you’re an amazing friend.’ She turned her head looking directly at the eyes. He had absolutely no idea of what she was trying to say, but still, he couldn’t help but feel a pain in his chest as he heard her words. Friends, that’s all we are and will ever be.
“And I wanted to apologize, you know, for being such a witch to you all these past few years. I mean, I didn’t know what I was doing. We’ve both changed…somehow and, I’m really glad we’re…good.”
And out of nowhere; before James could react; she leaned closer and closed the small gap that was between them. Her soft, thin lips were slowly touching his. She slowly placed her hand behind his head and started playing with his back, messy hair as he, startled, started kissing her back, opening his mouth to kiss her deeply and embracing her in his arms as if protecting her. Neither of them cared that they were beside the lake on Christmas, where every single student near the pair seemed to be watching, surprised, as the two Heads kissed.
The kiss lasted a few more seconds until they broke. They sat there, looking at each other like they had never before.
Carefully, with a smile curling on her lips, she said, ‘Happy Christmas, James’
He hugged her tightly under his arms and started kissing her forehead with sweet, little kisses.
‘Happy Christmas, Lily.’
-
Reviews:
Written by infinitesimal on chapter #1.
(December 24th 2006, 5am)
Squee!
That was adorable! Dude, I cannot believe this is your very first foray into fanfiction. Seriously. Wow. You should see MY first foray. You would throw tomatoes at MY first foray.
You
are
awesome.
Keep writing, you've got obvious talent!
Written by
rose_pagonias on chapter #1.
(August 12th 2006, 1am)
This was an incredibly endearing story. I thought it was a sweet idea, even though I have seen it before. This was a good shot for your first story and I think you show a lot of potential.
I like your idea of James already considering marriage because in the Wizarding world, people tend to get married right out of school. I've always thought that they were much more old fashioned than the Muggle world, in terms of how they conduct themselves in society.
Your characterization, in all honesty, needs a bit of help, but I think you'll improve the more you write. I do like how you've shown us that Lily seems to be the typical girl, but as I recall, you don't delve too much into her actual personality. I know this is a one-shot, and you can only tell us so much, but instead of having James admire her looks all of the time, maybe have him try to place just exactly what it is about Lily that sets her apart from every other girl at Hogwarts? Perhaps have him come to the realization that it isn't just one thing, but a million certain little things all combined into one that has him reeling? While having him admire her looks was completely adorable, and I loved how you have him notice the little things, it would be nice to maybe not have him seem so shallow.
Lily's present fit perfectly, but there were a few instances in this story where things felt a little strained and oddly worded. When reading James' reaction to her gift, some of the dialogue was a bit choppy and robotic sounding. I read it aloud to myself (no one was in the room, promise! ;)) and some of it felt... not real enough. Also, Lily's gift may have fit her nicely, but I have to make mention that the lilies surrounding the 'L' was a little cliched.
This was a good one-shot, especially considering this is your first attempt, but if I was being completely and utterly honest with you (and I always try to be regarding reviews), I might have not bothered to review this had you not asked me to. I know, that was harsh, but please take note that I'm trying to help you out here, okay? *reassuring pat*
What I mean is, there was nothing that stood out to me in this story. I have read this story many times before, and there was nothing, aside from your mention that people tend to get married early in the Wizarding world, that made me sit up a little straighter and think 'wow, this is really unique!'.
While it was a sweet little bit of fluff, I can't remember a specific part that made me fall in love with it. The ending might have, but it isn't enough to leave someone with a 'happy ending' sort of line.
I do want you to keep writing, as I think you'll grow immensely with the help of Erin, since she's a wonderful writer, but this is just what I picked up on while reading it, all right?
That said, I'm going to mention a few authors to you that often write mainly one-shots. Pantz is a brilliant writer and, I'll admit, is rather well known, but people tend to overlook her a bit here at UR. Also, infinitesimal is seriously one of my favorite authors here at UR. Oh! And, I would take a peek at the Hourglass Award nominations for best one-shot. Particularly A Marauder's Memory. Another area I would check out would be the Scrivenshaft Challenge entries.
And, hey, while I have you running around UR, why not go read up on the Mentoring Sessions? I think there's a specific Workshop dedicated to characterization that should help you out a great deal in that aspect of writing.
Well, as this is getting longer and longer by the minute, and I'm fairly certain you've had enough of my rambling, keep going! I'd love to see and review more of your work! :)
~Lauren
Author Response:
Wow, you seriously rock Lauren. I love how honest you are, really, this review makes me so happy :)I will work with this story sometime soon because I really want to change a few things you've mentioned which are absolutely true. It needs editing and changes with characterization, but thank you so much for your advice.Thank you so much again for your authors recommendations, I cannot wait to check them out. I love Pantz myself, and I admire her work. Her oneshots are amazing, beautifully written.Once again, than you for such an honest review; it seriously made my day. ~Sharon
Written by Karen on chapter #1.
(July 5th 2006, 2pm)
Awww! That was super cute! I kinda don't like how Lily kissed James first, but then again, I really do ^^
I like how when Lily and James were walking to the lake, you said "Looking down to Lily, James thought once more about how beautiful she really was." 1. Because I love it that James is taller then her (I have some odd... quirks) and 2. Because He notices all the details about her. *squee* So cute!
Keep writing and much love,
Karen
P.S. - I'm your 10th reviewer! YAY FOR YOU!!!
Author Response:
Hehe, thanks :) I really do love reviews. Thanks for the compliments!
Written by hell_penguin on chapter #1.
(May 23rd 2006, 9pm)
I think you deserve a big, heartfelt SQUEE!!!
Written by the_adjective on chapter #1.
(April 29th 2006, 9pm)
This is cute. :) One little typo: "...with his back, messy..." Should be "black." Anyway, great job!
Written by Anonymous on chapter #1.
(April 28th 2006, 5pm)
Aww! That was a really nice oneshot! You a wonderful author! Good writing!
Written by Gulistanlik on chapter #1.
(April 26th 2006, 8am)
I could tell that this was your first story ever, edited, because your later stories are much much better. You really have improved a great deal. Well done! Keep up the good work, as I will be waiting on more fics from you. :D
Gulistanlik
Author Response:
Um, thanks? But where have you seen my other stories? I haven't posted them here..:o
Written by
twinsuns on chapter #1.
(April 25th 2006, 9pm)
Author Response:
*loves* You rock.
Written by Serena on chapter #1.
(April 25th 2006, 8pm)
Aww! Oh my gosh. Happy tears alert. This is so wonderful, dear. I don't know what to say.
Serena
Author Response:
Thank you! It really means a lot.
Written by Akt5us on chapter #1.
(April 24th 2006, 9pm)
Love the story! So sweet!
Author Response:
Thanks :D
Written by vamperfly on chapter #1.
(April 24th 2006, 9pm)
That was really sweet! That necklace sounds lovely.
The only piece of advice I have is to mention how old they are/what year they're in.
Author Response:
Thanks for reviewing! And thanks for the advice, too.
Written by luminous_star on chapter #1.
(April 24th 2006, 9pm)
Sharon! *hugs*
Honestly, for being your first fan fiction and one-shot ever, this was really good. There were a few small spelling/grammar errors here and there but other than that it was really great.
I especially liked the end, it was really sweet.
Keep up the good work dear, and talk to you soon!
~ Pamela
Author Response:
Thanks Pam. Yeah, I know what you mean about the grammar and spelling. I've fixed some but maybe there are some of them still written. Ah well. Thanks for reviewing :)
He must run. Run, run, run away. Like the wind. Hide, escape, flee. No one must see him, no one must find him. All he can do is run, and all he can think of is get as far as possible. But there's the question, Where to hide? Where to hide? There is nowhere to hide. The Dark Lord always knows, the Dark Lord doesn't miss anything. He knows it all, the Dark Lord knows. But he must not let Him. He must not let the Dark Lord know. He must stay alive. He doesn't want to die. He won't die, he tells himself, but he mustn't let anyone find him.
Up north, he decided. Up north would be a choice. But he mustn't stay there long, no. He must move to different places, he must not stay in one place for a long time. If not, they will find him, and he certainly doesn't want that. What if they catch him? He asks himself. They surely won't show him any mercy, not after what he did, oh no. No mercy.
He is shaking uncontrollably, trembling. His mind cannot think properly because of the fear. The fear that is all inside him and numbs his brain. The fear that has become one part of him, never leaving him, never. He wants to get rid of it, he wants fear to leave him but it's stuck inside him and it doesn't want to get out. The same fear he felt when he joined the Dark Lord, the same fear he felt when the Moody caught him, the same fear he had when he was locked up in Azkaban. Fear, fear, fear.
He finds a woman on his way. He stuns her, she might know who he is, she may tell someone where he is. He doesn't want it. He invades her house and stays there for a period of time, but not much. Oh no, not a very long time or the Dark Lord may find out where he is, and he doesn't want that. Fear doesn't leave him. Not now, nor never. He leaves the woman's house and looks for another place for living, still going North.
He is living off of rats and small animals. To be honest, he really never had any problem with killing animals... or anything else. He finds a shack, an abandoned one. He decides to stay there for a couple of days. He believes that the shack is a really good place to hid in, hidden in the forest. No one lives near it. Perfect place to hide, oh yes. He is proud for finding such a place. But he must not stay long or the Dark Lord will find him, and he doesn't want that.
He stays a few days, still precarious and attentive. But he was never the cautious one, never. Yet, he must be. He doesn't want to die.
He has nowhere to go, and he is tired. Tired of running, so he stays in the shack. The shack is well hidden, he reminds himself. He goes out to try and find rats. He is hungry and he wants to eat, and there's nothing else to eat either than rats. He founds one, dashing behind a tree. She is scared, he thinks, and that makes him happy. She is afraid of him, just like he is afraid to the Dark Lord. He smiles and kills it with one movement of his wand. The rat stops and he knows it's dead. He reaches for it, grabs it and turns to the direction of the shack. He will eat the rat because he is hungry. He reaches the shack and gets in. There are four figures. Four figures under black cloaks. They have found him. There is no escape. There is no point in running. They have found him. The Dark Lord always knows. Always. He speaks. He tells him he will pay. He takes his wand out and cries out and incantation.
Reviews:
Written by Anonymous on chapter #1.
(January 25th 2007, 3am)
an okay start. this seems like a kind of story where all you did was thought of one good sentence to put in, or maybe you just wanted to use the title. im not trying to make you feel bad or anything, i just cant follow. i have no idea what is going on half the time. you are trying to make it sound desperate but, it just sounds like a whole lot of 'oh no, he cannot be found. he must not. he must nots' if you get what i mean. and there is a lot of reputition. please dont be offended by this. this is only my opinion, but really, it is not bad for a beginning.
Author Response:
No problem. I was tring to write in a different way I usually write and this was the result. Not a very good one, though. Thanks for taking your time though :)
Written by
ChristyCorr on chapter #1.
(November 11th 2006, 8pm)
I like this! It's a nice atmosphere, and the way you follow his trail of thought is very interesting. The fragments work well enough. Good job!
(There are a couple of typos, though, but they're not too bad.)
Written by
Eden on chapter #1.
(November 4th 2006, 6pm)
Your biggest problem is sentence fragments and reptition. These things will actually work with you if you use thm correctly, but I think they just ran away with you.
Although you'll find sentence fragments everywhere in writing, with little to no exceptions, continuously using them like you did in this peace creates this stilted, halting prose that takes a while to explain an idea. Many places you could have used a comma instead of a period, and helped the story to flow just that much better -- Run, run, run away. Like the wind. can simply be changed to run, run, run away, like the wind. You could also take two simple sentences and joing them into a compound sentence -- There is nowhere to hide. The Dark Lord always knows, the Dark Lord doesn't miss anything. into there is nowhere to hide, because the Dark Lord always knows, the Drak Lord doesn't miss anything.
Your other problem is subject repition. Let's face it: we love abstract pronouns. Present an idea once and then stick in a pronoun: Up north, he decided. Up north would be a choice. is changed to up north, he decided. That would be a good choice. (You also need to then insert an adjective as well, or else the pronoun doesn't make much, if any, sense.)
When you only use subjects to tell the story, we get irritated with it: he walked to the store and he bought some bread and he took it home and he put in the fridge makes us angsty. We would rather say something like he walked to the store and bought some bread, then taking it home, put it in the fridge. I will stress: the present participle is your friend. (To clarify, that would be the 'taking' bit.) We like the sound of it and it helps to reduce subject use.
(The 'we' here being resident Grammar Nazis. :)
Youuuuuu are brilliant. :)
Author Response:
Pfft, I'M brilliant? Look who's talking.
Written by WinglessFlight on chapter #1.
(October 31st 2006, 4pm)
I like the repition in this, is keeps the sense of urgency, of mad fear clouding sense and reason.
Sorry to be That Reviewer, but I have to mention a couple of grammer mistakes. But hey, we all do it...
Much love, Angelxx
Author Response:
Thank you :) Oh, don't worry about it, I didn't realise. Could you point out what mistakes have you found? Maybe PM me or send me an email to xmerle@gmail.com. Once again, thanks for reading :)
Eyes
She knew those eyes.
Oh, yes, she knew those eyes.
Those soft, hazel eyes that had always captivated her, making her feel as if nothing else mattered in the world. Those eyes that made her forget all about the war around them, the fear that everyone carried inside, and the preoccupation with what would happen to her dear ones.
Those eyes that had seen it all, had seen her at her best and worst, had seen her smile and her tears. Those eyes that had followed her everywhere-ever since she had set foot at Hogwarts-and had never left her, accompanying her everywhere she went. Those eyes that always glinted when she looked his way and those eyes that turned darker everytime he saw her with another boy. Those eyes that had changed through the seven years she had known them, that had gone from naive and young to mature and thoughtful. Those eyes that showed who he truly was, even though no one else realized it. Those eyes in which she wished to drown, those eyes she aspired to have never leave her alone and to always protect her. Those eyes that couldn’t belong to anyone but him.
Oh, yes.
She knew those eyes.
--
Reviews:
Written by
ixnay on chapter #1.
(August 31st 2006, 7pm)
I love drabbles. They make me happy. The sounds & repetitions here are delicious.
I still want more-- more story, more character development--but i suppose that is the inherent problem with drabbles.
Great job.
Written by stellar002 on chapter #1.
(August 31st 2006, 5am)
Love the repetition of "those eyes" to tie it all together. This drabble is simple, but that simplicity works perfectly with the story. Nice work. =D
Soph
xxx
Written by Darkly_Dangerous89 on chapter #1.
(August 31st 2006, 1am)
This is a really deep slice of life piece. Quite nice! I take it you're talking about Lily. A very nice internal monologue! Keep up the good work!
Cheers!
Darky
OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. All of this belongs to JK Rowling.
A/N: This is my first story ever. Please, please, please review. I would love to read reviews; they make me happy :) Oh and I want to thank Erin very, very much because she helps me very much and she's a wonderful friend and mentor.
Christmas Gift
Christmas was here.
Lily was sitting on the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, humming, while he stood near the fireplace trying not to look at her. Despite his best efforts, he somehow perceived that Lily knew he was staring at her, so he hastily turned his head and looked out the window. Luckily the weather outside didn’t look so cold; he could see many students, and even professors, who had gone outside after eating breakfast for a little fresh air, and noticed that many of them were only wearing a jersey. He could recognize Ellie Duimich, who was celebrating the day with some of her Ravenclaw friends, including Vanessa Monrt under the shade of some tree near the Whomping Willow. There also was Kiron Barnes holding hands with his girlfriend, Tambera, and a group of what looked to be thirteen first years having fun with exploding snap cards. And - oh! - some people, or at least the two he could see were playing a snow fight.
‘Hey James, do you think we should open our presents now?’ Lily inquired.
‘Um.. yeah, sure, why not?’ He answered, still confused and thinking about the snow fight.
‘What are we going to do? Shall we go and look for our presents in our bedrooms and say we’ll meet down here in about… five minutes?’
‘Or maybe we could go to your bedroom and forget about the presents,’ he winked. Before Lily started to jokingly hit James, he laughed. "Just kidding! Just Kidding!".
Five minutes later they met back at the couch, stacking red-and-green wrapped presents all over the Gryffindor carpet.
‘Ready to open your Christmas presents?’ James grinned at Lily.
‘Ready.’ She smiled.
While his hands started unwrapping his gifts, his mind drifted away to another place. He was celebrating Christmas with Lily, who two months ago had hated him. He didn’t know why, or where, or how every thing had changed, yet sometime during mid-November she had changed towards him. She had started acting friendly with him; she didn’t shout at him anymore, or hex him, or make him stay for detention every day using her prefect authority or whatever she used to do. He laughed; it was kind of strange not having someone who constantly hurt his ears all the time. He remembered how painful her voice is whenever she shouts. Instead she was smiling at him, hugging him and having decent conversations with him. It made him think that they’d been friends forever, when in reality, they’d been enemies for years.
He glanced at the few presents that he had already opened. He smirked as he remembered the first time his father gave him his Invisibility Cloak. The first Marauder adventure was thankfully possible because of that magnificent cloak. James had promised to give it to his own child some day. It was easy to think about children at that time. He was sure that the time wouldn’t be too far away; he was going to graduate and the wizarding people tended to get married very early. And even though the love of his life (wow, he sounded like a fool) was standing happily opening Christmas gifts in front of him, he wondered whom he was going to marry. That's when everything hit him: maybe Lily wouldn’t fall for him after all. Maybe she was in love with someone else or maybe she just thought of him as a friend.
A friend…
Since when did they start to be friends? Why did everything change? Why weren’t they enemies anymore?
It wasn’t as though he was lamenting it though. He was glad everything was better now but he just couldn’t help asking himself why.
‘Oh my God, James, it’s beautiful!’
Lily’s shout interrupted him from his thoughts. He looked at her to see what was going on and grinned when he noticed what she was holding in her hands.
The silver necklace shined in Lily’s hand while she, startled, admired it. It was a simple silver chain with an ‘L’ hanging from it surrounded by tiny, purple lilies.
‘You like it? Here, let me help you.’ He stood up and helped Lily with the necklace. It looked perfect on her. He congratulated himself for thinking such a great present.
‘Now it’s your turn! Open my present,’ cheered Lily, looking expectant. James chuckled as he saw Lily. Every single time she got excited her eyes just seemed to… pop off; her cheeks turned all red as her ears and her eyebrows stood in some.. weird way. It was the most unique and laughable face on the world. He loved it.
‘Okay, okay. Let me see what you’ve got me. Here, give me that package over there? Yes, that one. Let’s see.’ He carefully opened the present and discovered a box which was the size of his palm. He stole a glance from Lily who was biting her nails and smiled. What a girl, he thought. He carefully unwrapped the present expecting nothing in particular. Unless…
‘Is this..?’ he asked.
‘Yes!’ she laughed, ‘try them on! I want to see if they fit you. Do you like them?’
‘Do I like them? Do I like them? Of course I don’t like them! I love them! Professional Quidditch players use these gloves, they are great! Lily, thank you so much! But where did you find them? I’ve been looking for them everywhere and they were sold out in every single sport shop.’
‘It doesn’t matter where I got them from.,” she secretively answered, “the important thing is that you have them now.’ Her laugh lighted the room.
Twenty minutes later their presents were opened, and red wrapping paper covered the Common Room’s floor. Some of the first years were shouting and playing with their new magical toys and it was difficult to talk so James suggested going to a quieter place.
‘What about the lake?’
‘Sure. Let’s go.’ The portrait hole opened and they got out. While they walked silence fell between them so James decided to brake it. ‘I can’t wait to show Sirius the gloves. He’ll be so jealous.’
Lily smiled and muttered something like ‘boys’. ‘Where was he?’
‘At his cousin, Andromeda’s. One of the few Blacks that are nice people.’
‘What about Remus and Peter?’
‘Peter went to Egypt with his family and some family friends, and Remus… well, let’s say that Remus preferred spending Christmas with his family this year.’
In fact, that wasn’t true at all. James had asked Remus to spend Christmas with his family so he and Lily could be all by themselves on the holidays. Of course, as the friend he is, Remus accepted.
Looking down to Lily, James thought once more about how beautiful she really was. James had never seen anyone like her. Her hair shined and moved in some unique and soft way and her eyes seemed to sparkle every time. Her lips were very thin, yet lovely. A million of orange, tiny freckles covered her cheeks and nose. He loved her when she laughed, when she was sad, when she shouted at him and when she was angry. He would always love her, no matter what happened. He wanted desperately among everything for Lily to love him back.
‘You know what, James?’ she asked abruptly. She was still facing the lake, and a tone of red was appearing in her pink cheeks, ‘You have really changed. I mean really changed, and I’m very happy because I realized that you’re an amazing friend.’ She turned her head looking directly at the eyes. He had absolutely no idea of what she was trying to say, but still, he couldn’t help but feel a pain in his chest as he heard her words. Friends, that’s all we are and will ever be.
“And I wanted to apologize, you know, for being such a witch to you all these past few years. I mean, I didn’t know what I was doing. We’ve both changed…somehow and, I’m really glad we’re…good.”
And out of nowhere; before James could react; she leaned closer and closed the small gap that was between them. Her soft, thin lips were slowly touching his. She slowly placed her hand behind his head and started playing with his back, messy hair as he, startled, started kissing her back, opening his mouth to kiss her deeply and embracing her in his arms as if protecting her. Neither of them cared that they were beside the lake on Christmas, where every single student near the pair seemed to be watching, surprised, as the two Heads kissed.
The kiss lasted a few more seconds until they broke. They sat there, looking at each other like they had never before.
Carefully, with a smile curling on her lips, she said, ‘Happy Christmas, James’
He hugged her tightly under his arms and started kissing her forehead with sweet, little kisses.
‘Happy Christmas, Lily.’
-
Reviews:
Written by infinitesimal on chapter #1.
(December 24th 2006, 5am)
Squee!
That was adorable! Dude, I cannot believe this is your very first foray into fanfiction. Seriously. Wow. You should see MY first foray. You would throw tomatoes at MY first foray.
You
are
awesome.
Keep writing, you've got obvious talent!
Written by
rose_pagonias on chapter #1.
(August 12th 2006, 1am)
This was an incredibly endearing story. I thought it was a sweet idea, even though I have seen it before. This was a good shot for your first story and I think you show a lot of potential.
I like your idea of James already considering marriage because in the Wizarding world, people tend to get married right out of school. I've always thought that they were much more old fashioned than the Muggle world, in terms of how they conduct themselves in society.
Your characterization, in all honesty, needs a bit of help, but I think you'll improve the more you write. I do like how you've shown us that Lily seems to be the typical girl, but as I recall, you don't delve too much into her actual personality. I know this is a one-shot, and you can only tell us so much, but instead of having James admire her looks all of the time, maybe have him try to place just exactly what it is about Lily that sets her apart from every other girl at Hogwarts? Perhaps have him come to the realization that it isn't just one thing, but a million certain little things all combined into one that has him reeling? While having him admire her looks was completely adorable, and I loved how you have him notice the little things, it would be nice to maybe not have him seem so shallow.
Lily's present fit perfectly, but there were a few instances in this story where things felt a little strained and oddly worded. When reading James' reaction to her gift, some of the dialogue was a bit choppy and robotic sounding. I read it aloud to myself (no one was in the room, promise! ;)) and some of it felt... not real enough. Also, Lily's gift may have fit her nicely, but I have to make mention that the lilies surrounding the 'L' was a little cliched.
This was a good one-shot, especially considering this is your first attempt, but if I was being completely and utterly honest with you (and I always try to be regarding reviews), I might have not bothered to review this had you not asked me to. I know, that was harsh, but please take note that I'm trying to help you out here, okay? *reassuring pat*
What I mean is, there was nothing that stood out to me in this story. I have read this story many times before, and there was nothing, aside from your mention that people tend to get married early in the Wizarding world, that made me sit up a little straighter and think 'wow, this is really unique!'.
While it was a sweet little bit of fluff, I can't remember a specific part that made me fall in love with it. The ending might have, but it isn't enough to leave someone with a 'happy ending' sort of line.
I do want you to keep writing, as I think you'll grow immensely with the help of Erin, since she's a wonderful writer, but this is just what I picked up on while reading it, all right?
That said, I'm going to mention a few authors to you that often write mainly one-shots. Pantz is a brilliant writer and, I'll admit, is rather well known, but people tend to overlook her a bit here at UR. Also, infinitesimal is seriously one of my favorite authors here at UR. Oh! And, I would take a peek at the Hourglass Award nominations for best one-shot. Particularly A Marauder's Memory. Another area I would check out would be the Scrivenshaft Challenge entries.
And, hey, while I have you running around UR, why not go read up on the Mentoring Sessions? I think there's a specific Workshop dedicated to characterization that should help you out a great deal in that aspect of writing.
Well, as this is getting longer and longer by the minute, and I'm fairly certain you've had enough of my rambling, keep going! I'd love to see and review more of your work! :)
~Lauren
Author Response:
Wow, you seriously rock Lauren. I love how honest you are, really, this review makes me so happy :)I will work with this story sometime soon because I really want to change a few things you've mentioned which are absolutely true. It needs editing and changes with characterization, but thank you so much for your advice.Thank you so much again for your authors recommendations, I cannot wait to check them out. I love Pantz myself, and I admire her work. Her oneshots are amazing, beautifully written.Once again, than you for such an honest review; it seriously made my day. ~Sharon
Written by Karen on chapter #1.
(July 5th 2006, 2pm)
Awww! That was super cute! I kinda don't like how Lily kissed James first, but then again, I really do ^^
I like how when Lily and James were walking to the lake, you said "Looking down to Lily, James thought once more about how beautiful she really was." 1. Because I love it that James is taller then her (I have some odd... quirks) and 2. Because He notices all the details about her. *squee* So cute!
Keep writing and much love,
Karen
P.S. - I'm your 10th reviewer! YAY FOR YOU!!!
Author Response:
Hehe, thanks :) I really do love reviews. Thanks for the compliments!
Written by hell_penguin on chapter #1.
(May 23rd 2006, 9pm)
I think you deserve a big, heartfelt SQUEE!!!
Written by the_adjective on chapter #1.
(April 29th 2006, 9pm)
This is cute. :) One little typo: "...with his back, messy..." Should be "black." Anyway, great job!
Written by Anonymous on chapter #1.
(April 28th 2006, 5pm)
Aww! That was a really nice oneshot! You a wonderful author! Good writing!
Written by Gulistanlik on chapter #1.
(April 26th 2006, 8am)
I could tell that this was your first story ever, edited, because your later stories are much much better. You really have improved a great deal. Well done! Keep up the good work, as I will be waiting on more fics from you. :D
Gulistanlik
Author Response:
Um, thanks? But where have you seen my other stories? I haven't posted them here..:o
Written by
twinsuns on chapter #1.
(April 25th 2006, 9pm)
Author Response:
*loves* You rock.
Written by Serena on chapter #1.
(April 25th 2006, 8pm)
Aww! Oh my gosh. Happy tears alert. This is so wonderful, dear. I don't know what to say.
Serena
Author Response:
Thank you! It really means a lot.
Written by Akt5us on chapter #1.
(April 24th 2006, 9pm)
Love the story! So sweet!
Author Response:
Thanks :D
Written by vamperfly on chapter #1.
(April 24th 2006, 9pm)
That was really sweet! That necklace sounds lovely.
The only piece of advice I have is to mention how old they are/what year they're in.
Author Response:
Thanks for reviewing! And thanks for the advice, too.
Written by luminous_star on chapter #1.
(April 24th 2006, 9pm)
Sharon! *hugs*
Honestly, for being your first fan fiction and one-shot ever, this was really good. There were a few small spelling/grammar errors here and there but other than that it was really great.
I especially liked the end, it was really sweet.
Keep up the good work dear, and talk to you soon!
~ Pamela
Author Response:
Thanks Pam. Yeah, I know what you mean about the grammar and spelling. I've fixed some but maybe there are some of them still written. Ah well. Thanks for reviewing :)
He must run. Run, run, run away. Like the wind. Hide, escape, flee. No one must see him, no one must find him. All he can do is run, and all he can think of is get as far as possible. But there's the question, Where to hide? Where to hide? There is nowhere to hide. The Dark Lord always knows, the Dark Lord doesn't miss anything. He knows it all, the Dark Lord knows. But he must not let Him. He must not let the Dark Lord know. He must stay alive. He doesn't want to die. He won't die, he tells himself, but he mustn't let anyone find him.
Up north, he decided. Up north would be a choice. But he mustn't stay there long, no. He must move to different places, he must not stay in one place for a long time. If not, they will find him, and he certainly doesn't want that. What if they catch him? He asks himself. They surely won't show him any mercy, not after what he did, oh no. No mercy.
He is shaking uncontrollably, trembling. His mind cannot think properly because of the fear. The fear that is all inside him and numbs his brain. The fear that has become one part of him, never leaving him, never. He wants to get rid of it, he wants fear to leave him but it's stuck inside him and it doesn't want to get out. The same fear he felt when he joined the Dark Lord, the same fear he felt when the Moody caught him, the same fear he had when he was locked up in Azkaban. Fear, fear, fear.
He finds a woman on his way. He stuns her, she might know who he is, she may tell someone where he is. He doesn't want it. He invades her house and stays there for a period of time, but not much. Oh no, not a very long time or the Dark Lord may find out where he is, and he doesn't want that. Fear doesn't leave him. Not now, nor never. He leaves the woman's house and looks for another place for living, still going North.
He is living off of rats and small animals. To be honest, he really never had any problem with killing animals... or anything else. He finds a shack, an abandoned one. He decides to stay there for a couple of days. He believes that the shack is a really good place to hid in, hidden in the forest. No one lives near it. Perfect place to hide, oh yes. He is proud for finding such a place. But he must not stay long or the Dark Lord will find him, and he doesn't want that.
He stays a few days, still precarious and attentive. But he was never the cautious one, never. Yet, he must be. He doesn't want to die.
He has nowhere to go, and he is tired. Tired of running, so he stays in the shack. The shack is well hidden, he reminds himself. He goes out to try and find rats. He is hungry and he wants to eat, and there's nothing else to eat either than rats. He founds one, dashing behind a tree. She is scared, he thinks, and that makes him happy. She is afraid of him, just like he is afraid to the Dark Lord. He smiles and kills it with one movement of his wand. The rat stops and he knows it's dead. He reaches for it, grabs it and turns to the direction of the shack. He will eat the rat because he is hungry. He reaches the shack and gets in. There are four figures. Four figures under black cloaks. They have found him. There is no escape. There is no point in running. They have found him. The Dark Lord always knows. Always. He speaks. He tells him he will pay. He takes his wand out and cries out and incantation.
Reviews:
Written by Anonymous on chapter #1.
(January 25th 2007, 3am)
an okay start. this seems like a kind of story where all you did was thought of one good sentence to put in, or maybe you just wanted to use the title. im not trying to make you feel bad or anything, i just cant follow. i have no idea what is going on half the time. you are trying to make it sound desperate but, it just sounds like a whole lot of 'oh no, he cannot be found. he must not. he must nots' if you get what i mean. and there is a lot of reputition. please dont be offended by this. this is only my opinion, but really, it is not bad for a beginning.
Author Response:
No problem. I was tring to write in a different way I usually write and this was the result. Not a very good one, though. Thanks for taking your time though :)
Written by
ChristyCorr on chapter #1.
(November 11th 2006, 8pm)
I like this! It's a nice atmosphere, and the way you follow his trail of thought is very interesting. The fragments work well enough. Good job!
(There are a couple of typos, though, but they're not too bad.)
Written by
Eden on chapter #1.
(November 4th 2006, 6pm)
Your biggest problem is sentence fragments and reptition. These things will actually work with you if you use thm correctly, but I think they just ran away with you.
Although you'll find sentence fragments everywhere in writing, with little to no exceptions, continuously using them like you did in this peace creates this stilted, halting prose that takes a while to explain an idea. Many places you could have used a comma instead of a period, and helped the story to flow just that much better -- Run, run, run away. Like the wind. can simply be changed to run, run, run away, like the wind. You could also take two simple sentences and joing them into a compound sentence -- There is nowhere to hide. The Dark Lord always knows, the Dark Lord doesn't miss anything. into there is nowhere to hide, because the Dark Lord always knows, the Drak Lord doesn't miss anything.
Your other problem is subject repition. Let's face it: we love abstract pronouns. Present an idea once and then stick in a pronoun: Up north, he decided. Up north would be a choice. is changed to up north, he decided. That would be a good choice. (You also need to then insert an adjective as well, or else the pronoun doesn't make much, if any, sense.)
When you only use subjects to tell the story, we get irritated with it: he walked to the store and he bought some bread and he took it home and he put in the fridge makes us angsty. We would rather say something like he walked to the store and bought some bread, then taking it home, put it in the fridge. I will stress: the present participle is your friend. (To clarify, that would be the 'taking' bit.) We like the sound of it and it helps to reduce subject use.
(The 'we' here being resident Grammar Nazis. :)
Youuuuuu are brilliant. :)
Author Response:
Pfft, I'M brilliant? Look who's talking.
Written by WinglessFlight on chapter #1.
(October 31st 2006, 4pm)
I like the repition in this, is keeps the sense of urgency, of mad fear clouding sense and reason.
Sorry to be That Reviewer, but I have to mention a couple of grammer mistakes. But hey, we all do it...
Much love, Angelxx
Author Response:
Thank you :) Oh, don't worry about it, I didn't realise. Could you point out what mistakes have you found? Maybe PM me or send me an email to xmerle@gmail.com. Once again, thanks for reading :)
Eyes
She knew those eyes.
Oh, yes, she knew those eyes.
Those soft, hazel eyes that had always captivated her, making her feel as if nothing else mattered in the world. Those eyes that made her forget all about the war around them, the fear that everyone carried inside, and the preoccupation with what would happen to her dear ones.
Those eyes that had seen it all, had seen her at her best and worst, had seen her smile and her tears. Those eyes that had followed her everywhere-ever since she had set foot at Hogwarts-and had never left her, accompanying her everywhere she went. Those eyes that always glinted when she looked his way and those eyes that turned darker everytime he saw her with another boy. Those eyes that had changed through the seven years she had known them, that had gone from naive and young to mature and thoughtful. Those eyes that showed who he truly was, even though no one else realized it. Those eyes in which she wished to drown, those eyes she aspired to have never leave her alone and to always protect her. Those eyes that couldn’t belong to anyone but him.
Oh, yes.
She knew those eyes.
--
Reviews:
Written by
ixnay on chapter #1.
(August 31st 2006, 7pm)
I love drabbles. They make me happy. The sounds & repetitions here are delicious.
I still want more-- more story, more character development--but i suppose that is the inherent problem with drabbles.
Great job.
Written by stellar002 on chapter #1.
(August 31st 2006, 5am)
Love the repetition of "those eyes" to tie it all together. This drabble is simple, but that simplicity works perfectly with the story. Nice work. =D
Soph
xxx
Written by Darkly_Dangerous89 on chapter #1.
(August 31st 2006, 1am)
This is a really deep slice of life piece. Quite nice! I take it you're talking about Lily. A very nice internal monologue! Keep up the good work!
Cheers!
Darky
OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!