Very blessed
So many things have happened to me that I should be angry abouy. Some that I shouldn't. People have wronged me and I ahve wronged them. To a lot of people who have misjudged me and the way I have handled myself. I have some things to say.
I handled Albert's death in my own way. Those of you who think it was wrong of me to move on so quick, you were absolutely right. It was wrong. To think it as a disrespect to Albert, it wasn't. Nobody has any right to judge me in any way, shape or form. To you I maybe a slut, a whore, or a cunt, but I am, not. I dealt with his death and I grieved in my own way. Some of you think I wasn't grieving. You are fuckers for even thinking that. Anyone with a fucking sense would know how much that man was my heart, my life and my best friend. Besides his family, NONE OF YOU SAW HIM DEAD. None of you felt his cold hands, stiff chest and cold shoulders. You weren't the one who saw that ET tube down his throat. You did not stand their brushing his face and hair, praying to God that he would open his eyes. You did have to see his father, normally a strong person and un emotionally person, cry on his knees. You did not see his mother break down in your father's arms. You weren't the ones adopted by his family. You do not know that man's every confession and worst fears and hopes and dreams. I am that woman. I live that burden. I had to find a way to go on the next day without killing myself. I died right along with him. The only thing that kept me here was my family and some select friends (whom I find out were talking about me like this behind my back anyways). If it weren't for my dad and my nieces and mephews, I would have ended after the burial.
I still grieve. My heart is heavy everyday. I miss that man so much. I no longer wish things to be different because that is a stupid hope. I know have to live with the feeling of actually feeling again for others the ways I use to feel about albert. A lot of my relationships have been detacted. I have been used as just an object in the state I am in. I have felt cheated an betrayed by those who were suppose to be there for me but weren't and pleasently suprised by those I thought would have never have cared.
I am a very unstable person. I seem strong to a lot of you only because I don't let you see the spells, the bouts, the times where I am heaving I am so upset. Or the rocking spells back and forth. Or the blacking out from crying so hard. You don't see the amount of medications I have to take just to move on and not fall behind in the one thing Albert was devoting his life to help me with...school.
I loathe everyone who judges me. I pray contempt for those of you who even begin to judge me an my situation. Until you first love of several years dies unexpectedly and unexplainably and leaves you forever, you have no place to judge me or how I grieved or still grieving. Bad thoughts have bad karma. It does come back to you. I will take my bad karma if my prayer means you getting yours.
I am so hurt and feel betrayed.
A lot of things are now in perspective.
I do suggest that everyone comes clean. I have for you. Your turn to be honest to me and tell me the truth. Repremand yourself and all the shit talking that went on.
I handled Albert's death in my own way. Those of you who think it was wrong of me to move on so quick, you were absolutely right. It was wrong. To think it as a disrespect to Albert, it wasn't. Nobody has any right to judge me in any way, shape or form. To you I maybe a slut, a whore, or a cunt, but I am, not. I dealt with his death and I grieved in my own way. Some of you think I wasn't grieving. You are fuckers for even thinking that. Anyone with a fucking sense would know how much that man was my heart, my life and my best friend. Besides his family, NONE OF YOU SAW HIM DEAD. None of you felt his cold hands, stiff chest and cold shoulders. You weren't the one who saw that ET tube down his throat. You did not stand their brushing his face and hair, praying to God that he would open his eyes. You did have to see his father, normally a strong person and un emotionally person, cry on his knees. You did not see his mother break down in your father's arms. You weren't the ones adopted by his family. You do not know that man's every confession and worst fears and hopes and dreams. I am that woman. I live that burden. I had to find a way to go on the next day without killing myself. I died right along with him. The only thing that kept me here was my family and some select friends (whom I find out were talking about me like this behind my back anyways). If it weren't for my dad and my nieces and mephews, I would have ended after the burial.
I still grieve. My heart is heavy everyday. I miss that man so much. I no longer wish things to be different because that is a stupid hope. I know have to live with the feeling of actually feeling again for others the ways I use to feel about albert. A lot of my relationships have been detacted. I have been used as just an object in the state I am in. I have felt cheated an betrayed by those who were suppose to be there for me but weren't and pleasently suprised by those I thought would have never have cared.
I am a very unstable person. I seem strong to a lot of you only because I don't let you see the spells, the bouts, the times where I am heaving I am so upset. Or the rocking spells back and forth. Or the blacking out from crying so hard. You don't see the amount of medications I have to take just to move on and not fall behind in the one thing Albert was devoting his life to help me with...school.
I loathe everyone who judges me. I pray contempt for those of you who even begin to judge me an my situation. Until you first love of several years dies unexpectedly and unexplainably and leaves you forever, you have no place to judge me or how I grieved or still grieving. Bad thoughts have bad karma. It does come back to you. I will take my bad karma if my prayer means you getting yours.
I am so hurt and feel betrayed.
A lot of things are now in perspective.
I do suggest that everyone comes clean. I have for you. Your turn to be honest to me and tell me the truth. Repremand yourself and all the shit talking that went on.