(no subject)
This time ill only listen to the loudest music I can find, and suffer in labored silence in cold shower stalls. Ive opened new wounds and now all I can think is “was it even worth it?”
Nothing seems worth it anymore and why do I even try? Ok let’s work really hard, Shanti, in school, in your relationship with your parents, ok? And then let’s get a 3.0 and realize oh my god, they might actually let me see the distillers on Saturday, ok? And then lets have them hang it over my head and yell at me about something horribly stupid and not worth it. And then lets have Shanti pull the same old stunt just with a new razor and a new false sense of hope.
What happens when there is nothing left to hang over my head?
What happens when they find my body warm only from the water that is covering it from the showerhead?
What happens when there is nothing left to discuss.
What happens when she learns she hates herself enough to really do it?
What happens when she lets go?
What happens when she stops caring and stops functioning?
What happens when she tries so hard to be what they want and it isn’t good enough?
Why will I never be good enough for anyone ever?
Why wont I just fucking stop trying?
All I want is to please them. Honestly, I do. I fucking work so hard right now and I have a fucking 3.0. And…they still find reasons for me not to be worth the effort and the only effort I want to take doing right now is raking a fucking sharp as fuck object across my skin until there is no more fucking blood left to cry over.
Why cant I meet a vampire? Wouldn’t that be easier?
Who wants to be my vampire? Bite marks on my neck.
In other news, I officially want to kill Charles. Is he so dumb as to believe someone who has already lied? Why do I care?
Why don’t I just cut off contact with him?
--will someone please call a surgeon? I can’t accept that it’s over.
Im not ok. I thought I was. But lets just…disappoint me again?
All I fucking want is to go to shows. That is all I want. ALL! I mean, they’ve seen that ive tried and why aren’t I good enough?
I hate going in shower stalls and I hate when the water turns cold and I know my turn is over. And I hate the way my matted hair frames my smeared face and I hate the fact that I cant do this.
I hate the fact that I have good days at school and then I come home and its over. I just …I cant have a fully good day ever.
It’s bad again. A rash, it looks like. Matted blood from wrapping the towel too tight - did I think it would get rid of the flavor, the taste of disappointment in my mouth?
That’s all I taste these days. And I want this to be over.
I hate your slut face. I hate your heart. I hate your lack of a heart - I can tell by those words, “I don’t feel bad about talking to 4 girls at once because im not the one who will get hurt.”
Why do I involve myself with these boys?
I will never be enough.
It isn’t that hard to perceive. Stop acting like im the one at fault.
I’m not what you wanted. If you say I am then you are lying.
“dinner in 8 minutes” - don’t you love how precise my father is?
“ok I don’t care”
“what?”
“I don’t care.” - as if he couldn’t tell by the light turned off and the tear stained voice
“Why do you not care?”
“what happens when you have nothing left?”
“what are you talking about? Are you mad because we ask you to pick up after yourself? Is it so hard to do that?” - they yelled at me for not taking THEIR recycling out
“what happens when you have nothing left to hold over my head?”
“what are you TALKING about?”
“please leave. I don’t want to talk to you - otherwise id be joining for yet another pleasant dinner conversation where we discuss how Shanti can be better”
“you make no sense.”
“leave.”
-cue the sound of a door slamming quietly
I’m so fucking dramatic.
Nothing seems worth it anymore and why do I even try? Ok let’s work really hard, Shanti, in school, in your relationship with your parents, ok? And then let’s get a 3.0 and realize oh my god, they might actually let me see the distillers on Saturday, ok? And then lets have them hang it over my head and yell at me about something horribly stupid and not worth it. And then lets have Shanti pull the same old stunt just with a new razor and a new false sense of hope.
What happens when there is nothing left to hang over my head?
What happens when they find my body warm only from the water that is covering it from the showerhead?
What happens when there is nothing left to discuss.
What happens when she learns she hates herself enough to really do it?
What happens when she lets go?
What happens when she stops caring and stops functioning?
What happens when she tries so hard to be what they want and it isn’t good enough?
Why will I never be good enough for anyone ever?
Why wont I just fucking stop trying?
All I want is to please them. Honestly, I do. I fucking work so hard right now and I have a fucking 3.0. And…they still find reasons for me not to be worth the effort and the only effort I want to take doing right now is raking a fucking sharp as fuck object across my skin until there is no more fucking blood left to cry over.
Why cant I meet a vampire? Wouldn’t that be easier?
Who wants to be my vampire? Bite marks on my neck.
In other news, I officially want to kill Charles. Is he so dumb as to believe someone who has already lied? Why do I care?
Why don’t I just cut off contact with him?
--will someone please call a surgeon? I can’t accept that it’s over.
Im not ok. I thought I was. But lets just…disappoint me again?
All I fucking want is to go to shows. That is all I want. ALL! I mean, they’ve seen that ive tried and why aren’t I good enough?
I hate going in shower stalls and I hate when the water turns cold and I know my turn is over. And I hate the way my matted hair frames my smeared face and I hate the fact that I cant do this.
I hate the fact that I have good days at school and then I come home and its over. I just …I cant have a fully good day ever.
It’s bad again. A rash, it looks like. Matted blood from wrapping the towel too tight - did I think it would get rid of the flavor, the taste of disappointment in my mouth?
That’s all I taste these days. And I want this to be over.
I hate your slut face. I hate your heart. I hate your lack of a heart - I can tell by those words, “I don’t feel bad about talking to 4 girls at once because im not the one who will get hurt.”
Why do I involve myself with these boys?
I will never be enough.
It isn’t that hard to perceive. Stop acting like im the one at fault.
I’m not what you wanted. If you say I am then you are lying.
“dinner in 8 minutes” - don’t you love how precise my father is?
“ok I don’t care”
“what?”
“I don’t care.” - as if he couldn’t tell by the light turned off and the tear stained voice
“Why do you not care?”
“what happens when you have nothing left?”
“what are you talking about? Are you mad because we ask you to pick up after yourself? Is it so hard to do that?” - they yelled at me for not taking THEIR recycling out
“what happens when you have nothing left to hold over my head?”
“what are you TALKING about?”
“please leave. I don’t want to talk to you - otherwise id be joining for yet another pleasant dinner conversation where we discuss how Shanti can be better”
“you make no sense.”
“leave.”
-cue the sound of a door slamming quietly
I’m so fucking dramatic.