paint it black
What is it like for me to truly smile? Do my eyes crinkle, do my cheeks dimple. Do I show a hint of loathing - do I show a pinch of wanting?
I know there is nothing like the smile that awaits me when I pull down my pants in front a mirror. I ignore all of my flaws except one - the abrasion that used to be individual efforts on my thigh. Its all mesh now - a chain link fence.
All I know now really, is that I do not feel content, nor do I feel secure. My mom was chattering on to me about all my children earlier, the soap opera we’ve watched together forever.
Then she mentioned the distillers (DAMN IT MY MAKE UP WAS PERFECT UNTIL NOW AND DAMN ME) coming on the 15th, well actually, first she said that the secretions were playing and I laughed in my head and corrected her…anyways, I said yea mom, I know about that show, I have for ages.
She said, “I want you to go”
What do I say to this?
She knows what makes me truly happy - that connection I feel when I see a band I love. The connection I will never let go of. She knows how important music is to me. She knows that I long for something to grasp onto right now. Something that means more then the petty embraces that high school is full of.
She just wants me to be happy. I’m sorry its taken me this long to realize this but what does make me happy? Besides this connection…I have no idea what makes me happy anymore. I miss being careless, being a little girl and not ripping at my own skin. RIPPING…pulsating, and longing for the way the blood surrounds my whole leg and runs into the water. I miss not knowing the feeling of hate filled broken skin.
It’s my real ice eyes, my real ice smile.
Break me, break me, and break me down.
I still don’t feel this is enough.
I need to find a way to feel enough.
I know there is nothing like the smile that awaits me when I pull down my pants in front a mirror. I ignore all of my flaws except one - the abrasion that used to be individual efforts on my thigh. Its all mesh now - a chain link fence.
All I know now really, is that I do not feel content, nor do I feel secure. My mom was chattering on to me about all my children earlier, the soap opera we’ve watched together forever.
Then she mentioned the distillers (DAMN IT MY MAKE UP WAS PERFECT UNTIL NOW AND DAMN ME) coming on the 15th, well actually, first she said that the secretions were playing and I laughed in my head and corrected her…anyways, I said yea mom, I know about that show, I have for ages.
She said, “I want you to go”
What do I say to this?
She knows what makes me truly happy - that connection I feel when I see a band I love. The connection I will never let go of. She knows how important music is to me. She knows that I long for something to grasp onto right now. Something that means more then the petty embraces that high school is full of.
She just wants me to be happy. I’m sorry its taken me this long to realize this but what does make me happy? Besides this connection…I have no idea what makes me happy anymore. I miss being careless, being a little girl and not ripping at my own skin. RIPPING…pulsating, and longing for the way the blood surrounds my whole leg and runs into the water. I miss not knowing the feeling of hate filled broken skin.
It’s my real ice eyes, my real ice smile.
Break me, break me, and break me down.
I still don’t feel this is enough.
I need to find a way to feel enough.