(no subject)
The joys of parenthood.
The lack of sleep. The stupid exhaustion. Being constantly at wits end and constantly challenged.
Of course being me, I have to stop and ask myself the philosophical and spiritual implications of parenthood. How does it affect me?
For one let's start with labor:
I was of the opinion that I absolutely had to have a drug free labor and refused to let them give me any contraction inducing drugs or to allow a cesarean unless lives were on the line. I ended up getting an epidural. There's a bit of disappointment at not sticking to my ethical guns there. However the way it was going, I had already been in labor for about 10-12 hours at the time I asked. I had made it that far just taking it one contraction at a time, although it helped that they were rather weak comparatively to the end. At one point they came in and said that my cervix just wasn't dilating the way they wanted and they were about to start the drugs to make labor progress faster. At this point when they mentioned it, I probably had about a minute between contractions and they hurt so bad I was screaming. I think I was only 6.5 inches dilated at the time. Since I was really nowhere near the 10 inches I needed to be and it had been a hell of a long time already, I gave in. Circumstances at the time seemed to warrant it.
The Daoist in me seems to want to protest the non-completely natural approach to child birth. Pain is a part of the process, initiation by fire I suppose. The Buddhist in me however believes in the release from suffering. Why would I purposefully choose to continue through agonizing pain when there was an option that allowed me to be released from that pain? Of course overall I was thinking of the long term consequences of drugs versus no drugs, but I think I'm alright with the half-way point I chose. I didn't need additional drugs to speed up contractions and I had relief from the worst of it. Perhaps as well by choosing to get an epidural so late in labor I bypassed the whole vicious circle of needing drugs because of drugs, my contractions and labor were so strong by the time that I got an epidural that an epidural just couldn't slow them down. I suppose Buddha would approve.
Which speaking of labor...the advice that meditation can help ease labor? Maybe for a mountain sage but not for an everyday sort such as myself. It's possible that labor contractions forced a type of meditation on me where I was completely in tune with my body and my pain, but I don't think that's what was being talked about when meditation was mentioned.
Next there's parenthood itself. I seem to be ignoring the sagely advice to sleep when my child does and keep trying to sleep at night and take one nap during the day. It isn't cutting it, seems to be, but I can't say I'm entirely dissatisfied. I'm learning new lessons in patience that I never knew before as well as compassion and empathy. There's that connection there I never had before, a new type of relationship and a new type of love as well as a fierce commitment and determination and new types of fear I never knew existed and a new sense of humility as well as sense of the fragility and preciousness of life. It seems you never quite have a grasp on how fragile and precious life is until you have to take care of someone that is completely incapable of taking care of themselves, their life literally rests in your hands.
Thus far mine have proven capable, but there's always that lingering fear and a sense of humility towards the Dao that creates life: I liked to say that I was aware that I knew the limits of my knowledge and knew that knowledge was expansive, but there was always something to learn. I didn't however think I could have my views on life flipped completely upside down, I thought I had most of it. I have to pay my respects to the complexity and richness that is life and hope to never underestimate it again. I can honestly say I can never hope to either master life nor so much as knowledge of it, it's beyond me. I can only do what I small human I am can do as a parent.
All in all I have to say thank you Ronan, it seems you're leading me more and more towards the middle way the Buddha spoke of. While I may not have an active spiritual practice currently as I don't have time, I still feel more spiritually connected.
The lack of sleep. The stupid exhaustion. Being constantly at wits end and constantly challenged.
Of course being me, I have to stop and ask myself the philosophical and spiritual implications of parenthood. How does it affect me?
For one let's start with labor:
I was of the opinion that I absolutely had to have a drug free labor and refused to let them give me any contraction inducing drugs or to allow a cesarean unless lives were on the line. I ended up getting an epidural. There's a bit of disappointment at not sticking to my ethical guns there. However the way it was going, I had already been in labor for about 10-12 hours at the time I asked. I had made it that far just taking it one contraction at a time, although it helped that they were rather weak comparatively to the end. At one point they came in and said that my cervix just wasn't dilating the way they wanted and they were about to start the drugs to make labor progress faster. At this point when they mentioned it, I probably had about a minute between contractions and they hurt so bad I was screaming. I think I was only 6.5 inches dilated at the time. Since I was really nowhere near the 10 inches I needed to be and it had been a hell of a long time already, I gave in. Circumstances at the time seemed to warrant it.
The Daoist in me seems to want to protest the non-completely natural approach to child birth. Pain is a part of the process, initiation by fire I suppose. The Buddhist in me however believes in the release from suffering. Why would I purposefully choose to continue through agonizing pain when there was an option that allowed me to be released from that pain? Of course overall I was thinking of the long term consequences of drugs versus no drugs, but I think I'm alright with the half-way point I chose. I didn't need additional drugs to speed up contractions and I had relief from the worst of it. Perhaps as well by choosing to get an epidural so late in labor I bypassed the whole vicious circle of needing drugs because of drugs, my contractions and labor were so strong by the time that I got an epidural that an epidural just couldn't slow them down. I suppose Buddha would approve.
Which speaking of labor...the advice that meditation can help ease labor? Maybe for a mountain sage but not for an everyday sort such as myself. It's possible that labor contractions forced a type of meditation on me where I was completely in tune with my body and my pain, but I don't think that's what was being talked about when meditation was mentioned.
Next there's parenthood itself. I seem to be ignoring the sagely advice to sleep when my child does and keep trying to sleep at night and take one nap during the day. It isn't cutting it, seems to be, but I can't say I'm entirely dissatisfied. I'm learning new lessons in patience that I never knew before as well as compassion and empathy. There's that connection there I never had before, a new type of relationship and a new type of love as well as a fierce commitment and determination and new types of fear I never knew existed and a new sense of humility as well as sense of the fragility and preciousness of life. It seems you never quite have a grasp on how fragile and precious life is until you have to take care of someone that is completely incapable of taking care of themselves, their life literally rests in your hands.
Thus far mine have proven capable, but there's always that lingering fear and a sense of humility towards the Dao that creates life: I liked to say that I was aware that I knew the limits of my knowledge and knew that knowledge was expansive, but there was always something to learn. I didn't however think I could have my views on life flipped completely upside down, I thought I had most of it. I have to pay my respects to the complexity and richness that is life and hope to never underestimate it again. I can honestly say I can never hope to either master life nor so much as knowledge of it, it's beyond me. I can only do what I small human I am can do as a parent.
All in all I have to say thank you Ronan, it seems you're leading me more and more towards the middle way the Buddha spoke of. While I may not have an active spiritual practice currently as I don't have time, I still feel more spiritually connected.