no one got raped here but the pain's still inside

[laterala]

haven't updated here lately, i realize. i've been too damn tired to do anything like that. and i truly do think that i'm losing it. just the other night at around seven p.m. i was laying on my bed looking at the celing and i look over at the clock and it was eleven at night. i don't even know where the time all went. i was staring at my celing for four hours and didn't even notice the lost time. i don't think i fell asleep either. oh well. it's been a really weird month. i haven't done anything at all, relatively speaking. now it's march and i don't know what happened to feburary. it seemed to have just slithered by, as it has a tendancy to do. then again, most of the past feburarys i have spent being fucked up on drugs or whatever. this is the first one in a long time where i've been clean. i've been talking to reeve A LOT lately though. he's one of the only people i've had contact with in nearly a month, outside of those few people whom i have regular contact with on the internet. both my father and tristan think i'm way too stressed out for my own good so they're both going to come down to chicago this weekend and stay with me for a while. i'll appreciate that a lot... i don't like living alone... maybe when tris graduates from high school in may he'll come stay with me permanently. he seems to like chicago enough. reeve actually wants to come to chicago and stay with me for a while. he, too, thinks i am incredibly stressed out and should not be living on my own at this point in time, especially since all that has happened. and who knows? maybe i'm worse than i think i am. some problems though... reeve lives in seattle, has a good job there, and can't really be coming to stay with me whenever he feels like it. he already used up most of his vacation coming in december. tristan... he's still in high school and also can't be coming to stay with me whenever he feels like it. he said that he'd try to come spend the weekends here. my father, also, can't get off work long enough. plus he has the rest of my siblings to take care of. tristan is the only one still living at home old enough to drive, which is why he can come. i'd go home to milwaukee in a second, but i'm in school so i kind of can't just leave whenever i want to. once i get through school i'll be able to go wherever i feel i need to end up. be that milwaukee, toronto, boston, or portland, i don't know. for now i guess i'll just have to make do on my own. i have my cats to keep me company for now. it's strange, too, this situation. i thought i'd be just fine living on my own. for a long time that's what i wanted more than just about anything. now i'm just not so sure. it's not as fun and games as it looks. it's not that i'm scared to live on my own, i'm really not. it's myself that i'm scared of. which may sound strange, but that's the way it is. maybe i thought i was ready for this but was wrong. hopefully something will work out. sure, there are lots of people who could come live with me, but there are also a lot of problems there... most of my friends, or the people who i thought were my friends, are heroin addicts and the like. i hardly know any straightedgers anymore. i can't have drug addicts living with me. i don't want to fall into my hole again. something in the back of my mind tells me that if i get into the hole again, i will never get out of it again. that thought just scares me.

gave all the vampires back to god that day
no one got raped here but the pains still inside
i'll never love you but i've got words to say
no one betrayed here but the memories lie
i said don't go away
turned off the lights and then you said please don't follow me
nd you cared
you stole my passion
burned my everything
they're all the same here
locked up change deep inside
i'll never love you but I've got words to say
you killed the feeling but the pain's still alive
i said don't go away
turned off the lights and then you said please don't follow me
and you cared
you kept your feelings hidden like a psycho
burned it all down
take me with you
won't you let me go
so sick of man

-cold, sick of man

i've been listening to that song way too much for my own good lately. maybe that explains a lot.