(no subject)
its been a really long time since ive even began to look at this thing. i wanted to just write and write and write, and what better place to do it than here. i really cannot take school much longer. i hate it so much. some days i just feel like i want to dropout and never see the pit of hell that is lexington high school. other days i thank 'god' that i have such a good school compared to others, and i want to do good and go on to college and stuff like that. and other days i just want to get out of there and be a hippie loser forever living in a run down apartment with 4 cats. but i guess i only have a year left, one long, boring, horrible year. but ill get through it. then who knows. tech, usc, who knows. i could probably get into usc if i wanted, but im too scared of the challenge. im too lazy and not determined. at all. and i guess thats my problem. i start things and never finish them because i lose my motivation. but thats how ive been my entire life, and thats what my dad has always told me, basically i will amount to nothing if i do the things i do. now that could be true, but it could also be very wrong. i hate being told what i should do, need to do, and have to do. i need independence and stride. and mostly motivation. damn....and no matter where i look to find these things it doesnt happen. on another note, there is no such thing as love. i have experienced things in the last few months that have made me realize that everyone has faults, so how are two people so wrong supposed to be together when everyone has temptations and just shit that come between that. i realized that maybe i do screw things up for myself, but im not the only one. he caused me to act the way i did towards him, and he knew that, but i was all my fault for some reason. yes i was a dumbass for turning down something that could have been the best thing to ever happen to me, but maybe if he didnt take things so fucking serious all the time and over react and not have the balls to say anything to my face, maybe then i wouldnt have fucking done those things. but who am i to be talking about this. love is fake, and if you do have real love, which is basically impossible, then try to keep it. i really dont think ill ever find anything to even comes close to love. and when i do ill probably fuck myself over. and i do think im crazy, and i do think i fuck up, but other people fuck up too, they do, and it kind of feeds off each incident. i dont understand people and how other people think. but its whatever. im getting through the next year and getting through life with whatever comes to me. im just ready for summer, im just ready for freedom, im just ready for fun...to fuck around, fuck it up, and burn it down. and thats it.