kim
My friend, Kim Barry, died on Tuesday, March 22, 2005.
I am really sad.
I miss her so much.
I keep thinking about high school and about how young we were. I was just getting to know her during our senior year and although I didn't understand it then, I really felt close to her. She had so much warmth and she had this wonderful gift for making everyday moments seem really exciting. I can remember a specific feeling that I had that I rarely could reach with anyone else. Unfortunately, I can't describe it but I can pinpoint the exact moment when it happened. This idea would surface and she would take control of it. We'd build up this idea in our heads until it became so large that it was our entire world. We would exist in her idea. This was a group that found humour in a hypothetical situation that we would build and build and so it would grow and grow. No one could take that away from us because no one else could understand it. I wish I could have told her all of these things. I wish I could have told her how much I loved her world.
But high school cliques ruined it all. There were so many walls and I could only climb over so many. High school was life, even though I knew it was bullshit, it was life. The minute that school bell rang, she was with her group and I was with mine. There was nothing I could do.
And so I understand now what it's like to lose someone that you were not ready to lose. I thought that I would see her at our high school reunion. I was looking forward to holding her hand and scaling the perimeter of the cafeteria, gossiping about our peers.
I hope that I can still have this dream.
I just wish that someone did, in her lifetime, tell her exactly what she meant to them. I have this chilling feeling that no one bothered. Their words of kindness were out of sympathy, not love. But I'm speculating and I don't know the details. I don't know who she was after high school. I don't know what she was going through. All I know is that she shot herself.
I keep looking for answers that don't exist.
I just wish I could have said goodbye.
I am really sad.
I miss her so much.
I keep thinking about high school and about how young we were. I was just getting to know her during our senior year and although I didn't understand it then, I really felt close to her. She had so much warmth and she had this wonderful gift for making everyday moments seem really exciting. I can remember a specific feeling that I had that I rarely could reach with anyone else. Unfortunately, I can't describe it but I can pinpoint the exact moment when it happened. This idea would surface and she would take control of it. We'd build up this idea in our heads until it became so large that it was our entire world. We would exist in her idea. This was a group that found humour in a hypothetical situation that we would build and build and so it would grow and grow. No one could take that away from us because no one else could understand it. I wish I could have told her all of these things. I wish I could have told her how much I loved her world.
But high school cliques ruined it all. There were so many walls and I could only climb over so many. High school was life, even though I knew it was bullshit, it was life. The minute that school bell rang, she was with her group and I was with mine. There was nothing I could do.
And so I understand now what it's like to lose someone that you were not ready to lose. I thought that I would see her at our high school reunion. I was looking forward to holding her hand and scaling the perimeter of the cafeteria, gossiping about our peers.
I hope that I can still have this dream.
I just wish that someone did, in her lifetime, tell her exactly what she meant to them. I have this chilling feeling that no one bothered. Their words of kindness were out of sympathy, not love. But I'm speculating and I don't know the details. I don't know who she was after high school. I don't know what she was going through. All I know is that she shot herself.
I keep looking for answers that don't exist.
I just wish I could have said goodbye.