steven
I still don't have words. I am still feeling like this isn't real. I feel like i've lost my mind. It doesn't make sense. I don't know where you went. There are to many questions to even answer. I keep playing memories over and over. I woke up today and i was like....it didn't really happen...but it did. I watched this video yesterday on www.badjon.com...the site we used to surf all of the time. Every fucking thing i do reminds me of you. I cannot even begin to comprehend this or anything that has happened this week. This weekend was fucking hard, harder than ever. It's so weird i cried my fucking eyes out when i was drunk friday, i don't even know what i said or did. I remember crying a lot though. I have cried a few times when i drank, this is the one that really really hurt the most. I keep finding all of this stuff in my room, and everytime it just makes me play another memory in my mind. I'm glad i got to see dead to fall with you, you got me into them. You opened a door and i walked through it, i just grew so much and it was weird because i kept looking for new stuff while you moved on to other things. I wish my words and thoughs went together, seriously nothing makes sense. I keep thinking how fucking fucked up everything is at this time. This show will be one of the first shows you didn't see of ours, and its crazy that it will be our best because it's all for you. We created this band after i left Black Anniversary, i never knew why i left ba, i mean the wreck was part of it but i just knew it wasnt for me. I loved all of you like brothers it's just i knew my place was guitar. I don't know why things are the way they are. Everyone says things happened for a reason, i don't know anymore. I don't know why we are here or what we are. What is human? What is life? What is happy? What is sad? it's all stuff thats been put into our head of generations. Everything was so clear and now its like a blizzard in my mind of crazy questions. I just want to know where you are or what your doing....if your okay if our spirits move on or if its darkness forever. I don't know what i was before i came to this planet, i don't remember. If we come back as something else i'll never be this person again. I hope there is an afterlife mainly so you can see how much people love you, i hope there is one so i can be with the great people who have touched my life. I hope i touch people, i don't really feel the need for enemies anymore, a lot of stuff is crazy and people temporarily change after stuff like this but i think i have changed a lot and i'm growing from this. Even in death you still influence me, how crazy is that. I just keep thinking you had to be the first to do everything, and sometimes im stuck inside my head so much i feel like im the one who died and you are the one who is living somewhere without us. A big piece of my went with you wherever you are....i prayed last night that you are safe and that i get a sign whether it's seeing you or a sign from whatever is on the other side that you are somewhere safe, and will meet me. This is rambling on and on. I'll write more later, my mind is still puzzled and doesn't operate correctly at this time.