I've never thought so much in my life.
It's true. I have never been required to think this much in my life. Ever. Sure, CSAS taught me HOW to think and WHEN to think and gave me good things to mull over, but as a whole my brain has never processed this much information before. First there are my classes. Most of them (gen ed) aren't too thought provoking. However, comp is stretching me because I have to be patient while everyone else is learning basics and New Testament is rocking my face off. I know NT is from a academic approach, but still. How much more relevant of a Christian will I be for it? And honestly, I love it. I love going to bible studies and my brain going straight to the 'facts' and not just the 'what we think we know's'. But really, that's not even half of the thought. I feel like all i've done since August is search. I've never analyzed my life like I recently have. I've always told myself that I did self checks and took self inventory in an often and healthy way.....but I don't think I knew what that meant until these past few months. I have thought about everything. Who do I want to be here? No one knows me...I can be who ever i desire to be. Who do I not want to be here? What do I want to run from? What do I want to cling to? Those are the big ones, basically. Then they go into the average decision making questions: What do I want to be a part of? When am I going to finish that math homework? Is it OK for me to drink? How much? When? Where? In what context? What choices will earn me a name for the next four years? Do I like that name? What the hell do I stand for? So on and So on. Lots of thought about my life and where i'm headed and the desires of my thought.
Moving on, what made me think about all of the above is how pathetic I think I am. I watched Hotel Rewanda the other right for a freshman seminar events (which was alot of fun because my prof. cooked for the class at her house, etc). During the movie one line hit me like a freaking freight train. I don't remember it verbatim, but if you've seen it maybe you remember the following scene... It's towards the beginning while the news reporters and photographers are still staying in the hotel. Two camera men here what is going on w/ the Hutu army and go against the wishes of their boss and go out into the streets to capture the action on film. A few scenes later, the two photographers came back and show their boss (who is at first pissed) the horrific footage. After viewing the tape of literally hundreds of people killed or being killed, the boss immediately sends the tape in to the new network to be aired ASAP to show the world what is going on. The footage is aired world wide, etc, etc, etc. Here's the part that got me. Paul, the Hutu man who runs the hotel and is protecting the victims from the genocide, walks up to the photographer who got the footage and thanks him. He just thanks him for getting the footage and allowing the whole world to see what's going on to the people. At this point the photoprahper pretty much says "you're welcome, but don't expect intervention from the world." Paul kind of freakes out and says "How can they not intervene? Look at that [footage]!" Then the photographer sadly replies something along the lines of "I know, but the sad thing is most people are going to see that say, 'Oh that's just horrible. Look what is happening to those poor people.' and then go back to eating their dinner."
If we would have turned the movie off at that point I would have been just fine. It's like when you're reading a book and you run across that one line or verse that makes you put the entire text down for a week or two. Truth. It's true. How often do I read or hear a story and wish I could help, but 'just go back to eating my dinner'? Everyday. This isn't a new thing really...i want to help the world...that isn't anything new at all. But the point is, when? how? where? WIll it just come down to me going back to my dinner in the end of it all? I hope not. I just want to go somewhere and work. I want to go and do. I want to live a life that needs no words, because my actions scream at the top of their lungs who I am. I desire THAT above everything else. I want to unite with people everywhere and prove my dedication to a higher power by taking a risk....by walking off into a darkness knowing that good things will occur. I just want that. Maybe not tomorrow. But I want to be open to it. If it were tomorrow, i hope i'd go. I don't want to 'go back to my dinner' knowing the things that are going on in our world from the homeless not being taken care of to little children being raped in Africa.
So how does this whole thing tie together? Who do I want to be? How do I get there? What choices will help, distory, fuel, or ruin the answers to the two previous questions?
I love my life, I love self inventory, and I love sorting. Perhaps above all, I love the fact that even though i've been searching for these answers for three months, I still have little or no answers. But the questions exist. And I am thinking. And even though it's really, really rough...and is requiring some 'fall flat on my face' moments...I love it, because the future becomes greater with every thought.
Don't know if any of that is clear, but it;s true to my heart...take it as you will.
Moving on, what made me think about all of the above is how pathetic I think I am. I watched Hotel Rewanda the other right for a freshman seminar events (which was alot of fun because my prof. cooked for the class at her house, etc). During the movie one line hit me like a freaking freight train. I don't remember it verbatim, but if you've seen it maybe you remember the following scene... It's towards the beginning while the news reporters and photographers are still staying in the hotel. Two camera men here what is going on w/ the Hutu army and go against the wishes of their boss and go out into the streets to capture the action on film. A few scenes later, the two photographers came back and show their boss (who is at first pissed) the horrific footage. After viewing the tape of literally hundreds of people killed or being killed, the boss immediately sends the tape in to the new network to be aired ASAP to show the world what is going on. The footage is aired world wide, etc, etc, etc. Here's the part that got me. Paul, the Hutu man who runs the hotel and is protecting the victims from the genocide, walks up to the photographer who got the footage and thanks him. He just thanks him for getting the footage and allowing the whole world to see what's going on to the people. At this point the photoprahper pretty much says "you're welcome, but don't expect intervention from the world." Paul kind of freakes out and says "How can they not intervene? Look at that [footage]!" Then the photographer sadly replies something along the lines of "I know, but the sad thing is most people are going to see that say, 'Oh that's just horrible. Look what is happening to those poor people.' and then go back to eating their dinner."
If we would have turned the movie off at that point I would have been just fine. It's like when you're reading a book and you run across that one line or verse that makes you put the entire text down for a week or two. Truth. It's true. How often do I read or hear a story and wish I could help, but 'just go back to eating my dinner'? Everyday. This isn't a new thing really...i want to help the world...that isn't anything new at all. But the point is, when? how? where? WIll it just come down to me going back to my dinner in the end of it all? I hope not. I just want to go somewhere and work. I want to go and do. I want to live a life that needs no words, because my actions scream at the top of their lungs who I am. I desire THAT above everything else. I want to unite with people everywhere and prove my dedication to a higher power by taking a risk....by walking off into a darkness knowing that good things will occur. I just want that. Maybe not tomorrow. But I want to be open to it. If it were tomorrow, i hope i'd go. I don't want to 'go back to my dinner' knowing the things that are going on in our world from the homeless not being taken care of to little children being raped in Africa.
So how does this whole thing tie together? Who do I want to be? How do I get there? What choices will help, distory, fuel, or ruin the answers to the two previous questions?
I love my life, I love self inventory, and I love sorting. Perhaps above all, I love the fact that even though i've been searching for these answers for three months, I still have little or no answers. But the questions exist. And I am thinking. And even though it's really, really rough...and is requiring some 'fall flat on my face' moments...I love it, because the future becomes greater with every thought.
Don't know if any of that is clear, but it;s true to my heart...take it as you will.