One year later.
Ps - I'm back from Canada. I'm just going to somewhat update some of the things that I learned on this thing and then those of you that i know have/will ask can just dig into some of this stuff. ...Proceeding...
...I was reading my journal from this time last year. The 4th made me miss my Dad last year. It does this year too, but in a different way (we'll get to that). Fireworks and lakes and boats and hot july weather was the soul of my Dad so I cannot go through one of my favorite days of the year without being reminded of him. Mom and I actaully go to the cemetery each year to watch Lake Wennie's fire works w/ Dad and others. I wrote about that this time last year. I thought about who I was sitting here a year ago after those Lake Wennie Frieworks. A year ago, I hated every second of my Dad being dead...I hated every time that I had to come home and him not be here...I hated living in that hell day in and day out. I was still so angry with God and His plan - I couldn't understand how someone with such great plans for my life could plan that...or why it had to be me...or what it had to do with anything. Hurt...confused...shut down...done. Stick a fork in me. I think I somewhat stayed in that place, just not as angry, for the last year. I definitely cooled off and let alot of that stuff go, but I still woke up everyday confused about who my Dad ever was or what my life was life pre-december 12, 2004.
And then there was Malibu Club.
Some of you know that my main concern/prayer request for the entire month was for me to 1- not shut down and 2- let people know me. If you know me...that needs not to be explained...because you know. Each week (day 6) at Young Life camp, there is a "work crew presentation". During this time, work crew greets kids before their "say-so" (can be explained later if needed) and we sing crazy songs...go through our names, home towns, and jobs and pass the mic. During this introduction, two kids from work crew share their stories w/ all of camp (staff to campers). Go figure that on week 1, I was one of the kids that got to go. Amazing. Here's why; Very few people this month would have ever known my life for the last two years w/ out me telling my story that first week. Yeah, Jesus knows what he's doing. I don't think my story was so much for the campers, but maybe for me...and to allow the people I worked/lived with for a month to know me. ALot of my story isn't about some 180 that I did...but about me continually being asked if i'm serious about following the Lord (i.e. loosing my Dad). From that point on, people (espeically a few people that I worked in the kicthen with alot) persued the fire out of me and my story and my life. I didn't really notice it at first, but I totally just answered questions and told people how I felt - how situations felt - what I have and am learning...without even thinking about saying "i don't know" or shutting down at all. Like I said, I didn't really notice...that is until Kelly (fellow work crew cook) ask me some questions a/b my dad and my life and stuff and I just talked to her about it for about 10 minutes. After I was done answering her she said, "You know...it's really great how you're ok to talk about all of this stuff. I just think it's amazing that you are so open with us all about you're life and that you just keep answering these questions for me." After she said that I think I had to sit down for a little bit and remind myself of how huge that was. Going on...week 4, I showed my friend Kari (from florida) a picture of my mom and I ...and some other family. She stopped and looked at me and said, "I think it's great how you have invited us all into your life for this month. I mean, you take time to show me a picture of your mom since you've told me about her...and you take time to tell us about your dad and all of that. It's just really cool that you invite me ..and us all.. in to see all the junk in your life and be ok with it. Thanks for that." Again - holy crap! Who ever prayed for me this month must of slipped God a benjamin of something.
I don't know if that's something I exactly "learned" but I do know that it's a change that took place. By the end of the month I was bringing what used to be awkward conversations for me up on my own because sometimes I just wanted to talk about things. Wierd how things happen in one month of isolation...and super focused work. I miss it, but at the same time i'm glad to be back.
So friends, that's one thing i've learned...and that's some definite change from one month ago...and expeically one year ago. There are many other lessons lying within me...so i'm excited to explore them w/ anyone who'd like to venture in.
peace,
Sulls
...I was reading my journal from this time last year. The 4th made me miss my Dad last year. It does this year too, but in a different way (we'll get to that). Fireworks and lakes and boats and hot july weather was the soul of my Dad so I cannot go through one of my favorite days of the year without being reminded of him. Mom and I actaully go to the cemetery each year to watch Lake Wennie's fire works w/ Dad and others. I wrote about that this time last year. I thought about who I was sitting here a year ago after those Lake Wennie Frieworks. A year ago, I hated every second of my Dad being dead...I hated every time that I had to come home and him not be here...I hated living in that hell day in and day out. I was still so angry with God and His plan - I couldn't understand how someone with such great plans for my life could plan that...or why it had to be me...or what it had to do with anything. Hurt...confused...shut down...done. Stick a fork in me. I think I somewhat stayed in that place, just not as angry, for the last year. I definitely cooled off and let alot of that stuff go, but I still woke up everyday confused about who my Dad ever was or what my life was life pre-december 12, 2004.
And then there was Malibu Club.
Some of you know that my main concern/prayer request for the entire month was for me to 1- not shut down and 2- let people know me. If you know me...that needs not to be explained...because you know. Each week (day 6) at Young Life camp, there is a "work crew presentation". During this time, work crew greets kids before their "say-so" (can be explained later if needed) and we sing crazy songs...go through our names, home towns, and jobs and pass the mic. During this introduction, two kids from work crew share their stories w/ all of camp (staff to campers). Go figure that on week 1, I was one of the kids that got to go. Amazing. Here's why; Very few people this month would have ever known my life for the last two years w/ out me telling my story that first week. Yeah, Jesus knows what he's doing. I don't think my story was so much for the campers, but maybe for me...and to allow the people I worked/lived with for a month to know me. ALot of my story isn't about some 180 that I did...but about me continually being asked if i'm serious about following the Lord (i.e. loosing my Dad). From that point on, people (espeically a few people that I worked in the kicthen with alot) persued the fire out of me and my story and my life. I didn't really notice it at first, but I totally just answered questions and told people how I felt - how situations felt - what I have and am learning...without even thinking about saying "i don't know" or shutting down at all. Like I said, I didn't really notice...that is until Kelly (fellow work crew cook) ask me some questions a/b my dad and my life and stuff and I just talked to her about it for about 10 minutes. After I was done answering her she said, "You know...it's really great how you're ok to talk about all of this stuff. I just think it's amazing that you are so open with us all about you're life and that you just keep answering these questions for me." After she said that I think I had to sit down for a little bit and remind myself of how huge that was. Going on...week 4, I showed my friend Kari (from florida) a picture of my mom and I ...and some other family. She stopped and looked at me and said, "I think it's great how you have invited us all into your life for this month. I mean, you take time to show me a picture of your mom since you've told me about her...and you take time to tell us about your dad and all of that. It's just really cool that you invite me ..and us all.. in to see all the junk in your life and be ok with it. Thanks for that." Again - holy crap! Who ever prayed for me this month must of slipped God a benjamin of something.
I don't know if that's something I exactly "learned" but I do know that it's a change that took place. By the end of the month I was bringing what used to be awkward conversations for me up on my own because sometimes I just wanted to talk about things. Wierd how things happen in one month of isolation...and super focused work. I miss it, but at the same time i'm glad to be back.
So friends, that's one thing i've learned...and that's some definite change from one month ago...and expeically one year ago. There are many other lessons lying within me...so i'm excited to explore them w/ anyone who'd like to venture in.
peace,
Sulls