(no subject)
For months on end, I feel nothing; within the space of a few moments, I feel everything. As the moments stagger on, I feel the Everything while the nothing I was just a moment before feels like a century ago, fades into a miniscule black pinpoint that was at once my everything, that nothing. And I want my nothing back as I slash myself with the brightness, lightness of the everything. I tell myself it hurts too much. It fills me too much. God I still have a CHANCE. With her and with my own life and I don't understand how I have that chance or that choice but for fuck's sake, I do. Just a couple of weeks ago music did nothing but hurt my ears. Today it brought me pain and ECSTASY. Here is the precipice. Both the everything and the nothing are hurting me now. I still feel the brightness, but the hole is at my feet. This morning I could not stand up straight. I see a succession of similar days. It's just a matter of time before I'm back to nothing. If I continue this. Depending on what I do just for the rest of this day, this day I have right here and now, I could fall flat tomorrow or swing upwards toward the morning, gray though it will likely be. Must figure out this day, today.