Nothing but a failure.
Ever send a letter you really wish you could destroy before someone receives it? Ever open up to someone you really, probably shouldn't have? I loaded a world of hurt into a three page letter yesterday, and drove as fast as I could to the post office to send it off. Before I could change my mind. I've changed my mind. Now it's too late.
Funny part. Person will receive it on my birthday.
Birthday's become meaningless as you get older...I can say that and I'm only 20. It's mostly family and friends that make them special...I've either chased most of mine away, or completely left them behind.
I want to change me so I take walks every day. Four miles. I jog one. I try hard to eat healthy, and fail miserably. I try to be a better person and not get angry, and I fail miserably. I try not to be so lazy, and I fail miserably. I try not to hate myself. I fail.
Miserably.
I think about her more now. Not the good thoughts. I went to therapy for over a year so that I would only think about the good. I tore the yellow paper in half, kept the good, burned the bad. That was supposed to fix it all. I think about how I promised her she wouldn't die...I lied. I used to lie all the time...I try to be as honest as possible now. But I fail. I try not to think about the last day I saw her. I try not to think about the fact that she was in the hospital when I got home, and for two days nobody thought to let me see or hear from her while she was deteriorating.
I try not to get angry. Fail. I try not to hate my family. I try not to be sad that my pain was invisible. I try not to wonder. I try to keep from crying. I try.
Funny part. Person will receive it on my birthday.
Birthday's become meaningless as you get older...I can say that and I'm only 20. It's mostly family and friends that make them special...I've either chased most of mine away, or completely left them behind.
I want to change me so I take walks every day. Four miles. I jog one. I try hard to eat healthy, and fail miserably. I try to be a better person and not get angry, and I fail miserably. I try not to be so lazy, and I fail miserably. I try not to hate myself. I fail.
Miserably.
I think about her more now. Not the good thoughts. I went to therapy for over a year so that I would only think about the good. I tore the yellow paper in half, kept the good, burned the bad. That was supposed to fix it all. I think about how I promised her she wouldn't die...I lied. I used to lie all the time...I try to be as honest as possible now. But I fail. I try not to think about the last day I saw her. I try not to think about the fact that she was in the hospital when I got home, and for two days nobody thought to let me see or hear from her while she was deteriorating.
I try not to get angry. Fail. I try not to hate my family. I try not to be sad that my pain was invisible. I try not to wonder. I try to keep from crying. I try.