Chasing sirens
The earth opened its mouth, and I fell down, deep into her throat, darkness consuming me, all of me.
When I woke up, I was here. Here, I'm the queen bitch. Here, I'm called names. Here, I feel worn down. Here, I feel like I'm surrounded by children.
My bathtub is blue. My coffee table that has an original painting by me on the surface has the word "balls" carved into it. People owe me money, over $140 is owed by a person who calls me a bitch (nevermind that I selflessly paid his way into festival, bought nim mushrooms (multiple times), shared the green, let him borrow my guitar, bought him hair bleach, and gave him rides to work). I've been used. My apartment violates numerous health codes.
I want out of this life.
Kelly and I agreed that at the end of the summer, we'd move in together. Just her, just me, no significant others, no drama, no constant traffic of people coming in and out. No stoners consuming groceries paid for by me, no stoners talking loudly about video games to keep me up all night... no friends to use me, no one to call me a buzzkill because I'm tired.
We're getting out. Friday we are going to hang out in her garage all night and drink.
Sometimes I wonder if spring brings out lesbian tendencies or if it's Steve's "gotta get with the guys" mentality that makes me wish that I was in a relationship with a girl.
Of course, Steve can have his guy time, but he whines and bitches and moans when I go spend the night with girlfriends without him. Yes, he can smoke pot with the guys and it's okay, but me drinking with Kelly without him participating is not. His theory is that he doesn't keep me from participating with the guys (in what fucking world would I want to join in on his bullshit?), but I don't let him come with me on my girl adventures (why in the hell does he want to discuss lesbianism and shopping?). However, he specified a need for "guy time," which would exclude anyone with half a fucking brain. I need my girl time. I need space.
And an apartment with my lesbian friend. And to sever my ties with a lot of people who aren't worthy of my company.
Yes, things are changing. Yes, I am in charge.