Help!!!! I need some beta-ing plz!
I'm probably going to make more posts like this in the next two days, because my creative writing portfolio is due on Monday. If you have time, please, would you PLEASE, take a look at these and review/critique it, THANK YOU!
Ok, the draft:
PA
I am slowly dying
of a sickness clawing in my skin,
clawing to get out,
clawing against my every fighting inch.
I am 4’11’’
I can only last much longer.
(Not longer then).
They say the heart is the last to go,
but what of this disease that
attacks first the straining source?
What will be my last then?
My eyes, they burn
salt in concrete dams that are bound to crack.
My throat, my epiglottis reverberating
the words unspoken.
My fingers numb from the weight
of the invisible promise
that was never uttered.
My hands reach for cover to nakedness,
but the tangled sterling silver, gone.
The clasp thinks no more.
My feet, ever drifting away
like tectonic plates attached to this Core.
My mind, the last thing to go.
Static sends signals now and again.
Signal: Watching that receding state line.
“Welcome to Pennsylvania.”
--------
The (possible) final draft
Leaving
They say the heart is the last to go,
but who are they and where is this place?
Seeing opaque silhouettes of the former and latter
should fire up curiosity,
yet this vibrant source ceases to question.
Red rivers seep into the eyes
like salt in concrete dams that are bound to crack
while vibrations from the throat beg for speech,
but silence becomes the soloist.
The fingers numb from the weight of an
invisible promise that only dreamers get to see.
The hand reaches to cover nakedness
but the tangled sterling silver is gone;
the clasp thinks no more.
The feet stay rooted to the ground
but tectonic plates draw further away
like siblings who forget who the other are.
Soon, the mind is the last to go.
Preserving itself in the purest form:
Signals in static.
Signal: The roads blur together
“Are we there yet?"
So, my main question is: can you understand what I'm trying to say? Or am I too vague and just spitting out meaningless poetry? And which parts do you think I should keep/scrap from PA to Leaving?
THANKS AGAIN, FLIST. I LOVE YOU! :D
Ok, the draft:
PA
I am slowly dying
of a sickness clawing in my skin,
clawing to get out,
clawing against my every fighting inch.
I am 4’11’’
I can only last much longer.
(Not longer then).
They say the heart is the last to go,
but what of this disease that
attacks first the straining source?
What will be my last then?
My eyes, they burn
salt in concrete dams that are bound to crack.
My throat, my epiglottis reverberating
the words unspoken.
My fingers numb from the weight
of the invisible promise
that was never uttered.
My hands reach for cover to nakedness,
but the tangled sterling silver, gone.
The clasp thinks no more.
My feet, ever drifting away
like tectonic plates attached to this Core.
My mind, the last thing to go.
Static sends signals now and again.
Signal: Watching that receding state line.
“Welcome to Pennsylvania.”
--------
The (possible) final draft
Leaving
They say the heart is the last to go,
but who are they and where is this place?
Seeing opaque silhouettes of the former and latter
should fire up curiosity,
yet this vibrant source ceases to question.
Red rivers seep into the eyes
like salt in concrete dams that are bound to crack
while vibrations from the throat beg for speech,
but silence becomes the soloist.
The fingers numb from the weight of an
invisible promise that only dreamers get to see.
The hand reaches to cover nakedness
but the tangled sterling silver is gone;
the clasp thinks no more.
The feet stay rooted to the ground
but tectonic plates draw further away
like siblings who forget who the other are.
Soon, the mind is the last to go.
Preserving itself in the purest form:
Signals in static.
Signal: The roads blur together
“Are we there yet?"
So, my main question is: can you understand what I'm trying to say? Or am I too vague and just spitting out meaningless poetry? And which parts do you think I should keep/scrap from PA to Leaving?
THANKS AGAIN, FLIST. I LOVE YOU! :D