Check it Twice
Title: Check it Twice
Prompt: "If I'm such a legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you, legends are all very well if you've got somebody around who loves you." - Judy Garland
Character: Buffy Summers
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word count: 650
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Buffy is property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
You have this thing, lately, that you’re not really willing to admit aloud. It’s a list thing. You’ve been making lists, and not just of the grocery variety - because those are, you know, normal, and you make those, too - they’re stuck to the refrigerator, and Dawnie adds Ocean Spray Cran-Apple juice (you accidentally bought the generic once and it sat and sat and sat until you were dumping out the fermented Cran-Apple wine and ew) whenever she’s out, because she guzzles the stuff by the gallon, and anyway, yeah.
You’ve got a list thing and it has nothing to do with refrigerators. You tried to tell Giles, but he just congratulated you on your new organisational skills - apparently he always knew you had it in you, or something, and he didn’t make any sense when he was talking. But he’s a Watcher - he’s supposed to watch, not listen. Anyway, that’s your rationale, even if it’s really stupid rationale.
You haven’t told anybody else, because your lists, the ones that live inside your head? Disturbing, even to you. List one, for example: Things I Have Slain. That’s the grammatically correct version, interchangeable with “Enemies Down,” and “Things I’ve Killed” (when you’re feeling particularly honest with yourself). That list is like, wicked long, and it only gets longer every time you go out on patrol. You’ll be in a cemetery, hair whipping, blood racing, and when you stake a vamp and watch him turn to dust, you don’t pun. No.
You say something akin to “Ha! That’ll show you, Unnamed Foe Number twelve thousand and eighty-six.” This despite the fact that you’re not really keeping count, and also? Half the time the vampire’s name is written on their headstone. It’s totally creepy, and you don’t get it either.
Still, that’s not the worst list. There’s also “People I Didn’t Kill But Probably Should Have,” and that one includes friends of yours. Like Anya - still, if you didn’t kill her, that wasn’t your fault. And Spike.
Angel’s on the first list, sort of, even though you didn’t kill him, really. You just sent him to hell, which really? Kind of worse. You know, for your sanity.
List number three, though, that’s the bad one. “People I’d Like To Kill.” Thankfully, they’re not really people - human - for the most part, though Riley’s wife had an honourable mention for about twenty-four hours after you met her. Maybe a little longer. But like, staking Drusilla? That wouldn’t suck. Darla? Wouldn’t suck, and maybe you’d finally get over some of your Angel issues.
Whatever. You try not to think of that one too much, especially when people add themselves to it, unbidden. It’s usually at night, just as you’re drifting off to sleep and you’re half conscious and half in dreamland, and suddenly, like, Faith’s face’ll pop into your mind. And okay, you don’t really know why you still kind of hate her, but you’ll never really get that out of your system. So, she’s on the list. Until, you know. You forget, or see her. Or something.
You’re trying to stop listing, adding names and everything, but however creepy it is, it sort of keeps you sane. Or. Yeah. Sane. The way your life’s been going, with dying and coming back and losing everything and getting some of it back and just never ending up with a full - you know, deck of cards, or whatever would be full, a glass of water, that would drive anybody crazy.
It’s all just screaming to be organised and you kind of have to oblige. Besides, it’s not like anybody would understand if you told them your secrets. So you’re pretty much forced to live in your mind and list, list, list.
But you know - you’re entirely aware - that this isn’t life. And you have to struggle to find your middle ground.
Prompt: "If I'm such a legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you, legends are all very well if you've got somebody around who loves you." - Judy Garland
Character: Buffy Summers
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Word count: 650
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Buffy is property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
You have this thing, lately, that you’re not really willing to admit aloud. It’s a list thing. You’ve been making lists, and not just of the grocery variety - because those are, you know, normal, and you make those, too - they’re stuck to the refrigerator, and Dawnie adds Ocean Spray Cran-Apple juice (you accidentally bought the generic once and it sat and sat and sat until you were dumping out the fermented Cran-Apple wine and ew) whenever she’s out, because she guzzles the stuff by the gallon, and anyway, yeah.
You’ve got a list thing and it has nothing to do with refrigerators. You tried to tell Giles, but he just congratulated you on your new organisational skills - apparently he always knew you had it in you, or something, and he didn’t make any sense when he was talking. But he’s a Watcher - he’s supposed to watch, not listen. Anyway, that’s your rationale, even if it’s really stupid rationale.
You haven’t told anybody else, because your lists, the ones that live inside your head? Disturbing, even to you. List one, for example: Things I Have Slain. That’s the grammatically correct version, interchangeable with “Enemies Down,” and “Things I’ve Killed” (when you’re feeling particularly honest with yourself). That list is like, wicked long, and it only gets longer every time you go out on patrol. You’ll be in a cemetery, hair whipping, blood racing, and when you stake a vamp and watch him turn to dust, you don’t pun. No.
You say something akin to “Ha! That’ll show you, Unnamed Foe Number twelve thousand and eighty-six.” This despite the fact that you’re not really keeping count, and also? Half the time the vampire’s name is written on their headstone. It’s totally creepy, and you don’t get it either.
Still, that’s not the worst list. There’s also “People I Didn’t Kill But Probably Should Have,” and that one includes friends of yours. Like Anya - still, if you didn’t kill her, that wasn’t your fault. And Spike.
Angel’s on the first list, sort of, even though you didn’t kill him, really. You just sent him to hell, which really? Kind of worse. You know, for your sanity.
List number three, though, that’s the bad one. “People I’d Like To Kill.” Thankfully, they’re not really people - human - for the most part, though Riley’s wife had an honourable mention for about twenty-four hours after you met her. Maybe a little longer. But like, staking Drusilla? That wouldn’t suck. Darla? Wouldn’t suck, and maybe you’d finally get over some of your Angel issues.
Whatever. You try not to think of that one too much, especially when people add themselves to it, unbidden. It’s usually at night, just as you’re drifting off to sleep and you’re half conscious and half in dreamland, and suddenly, like, Faith’s face’ll pop into your mind. And okay, you don’t really know why you still kind of hate her, but you’ll never really get that out of your system. So, she’s on the list. Until, you know. You forget, or see her. Or something.
You’re trying to stop listing, adding names and everything, but however creepy it is, it sort of keeps you sane. Or. Yeah. Sane. The way your life’s been going, with dying and coming back and losing everything and getting some of it back and just never ending up with a full - you know, deck of cards, or whatever would be full, a glass of water, that would drive anybody crazy.
It’s all just screaming to be organised and you kind of have to oblige. Besides, it’s not like anybody would understand if you told them your secrets. So you’re pretty much forced to live in your mind and list, list, list.
But you know - you’re entirely aware - that this isn’t life. And you have to struggle to find your middle ground.