life is amazing
one two minute phone call is all that it took. and i still dont have a reasonable or acceptable explanation as to why.
i havent slept well in at least 2 weeks. i hate the thought of sleep. i hate knowing that for the next two hours im going to be lying on my bed thinking of her. thinking every concievable thought about her. mostly how i miss her. i couldnt stop thinking about how bad i wanted her to make a move, to show a weakness. to prove that she knew they were just rumors. to know that she still knows that im a damn good boyfriend and that it wasnt the smartest idea to let me go. i kept thinking of her ringing my doorbell at any minute to ask to talk to me and for her to tell me that she still loves me but that she knows this is terrible timing but that she wants to be in my life as much as she can at the highest role that she can when i feel like i can handle it.
who the hell am i kidding? that's never going to happen. face the facts tony. she practically hates you because of these rumors. i wish i could yell at her and tell her that they are not true and to just look back at our relationship and every little loving thing i did for her without expecting anything in return. but shes not. she has dismissed me completely. she is just fine with her new set of friends. i can tell myself that they dont care about her and her best interests and that they are gonna drop her eventually, but i know they wont. they are good people. they do care about her. they were right all along about this "break." this is whats best for us. but i wrongly assumed the meaning of us. i still thought of "us" as a unit, but by us everyone meant her and me. seperate. apart.
i have been torturing myself with these thoughts and realizing here and there that its going to be the end of my navy career even before i go. im not ready to do this. i cant handle any more emotional stress. im going to break. this "a" school is the toughest in the world. represents the top 3rd of the navy? im going to fail at this. because i cant move on.
i finally broke down yesterday. i told my mom amidst tears about how i keep expecting her to come and ring the bell. i told her that i knew i was setting myself up for disaster. she understood. she told me i never properly grieved. i never said goodbye to the dead hopes and dreams of that relationship. she said i needed a distraction for today. i needed to get out of the house and do something active. so today i went shopping with my mom.
my mom had been listening to Tony Dungy's book on tape called "Quiet Strength". she told me i could turn it off if i wanted to, but i didnt care enough to bother. we stopped and got some barbeque sauce from smitty's and then stopped at wells fargo to drop off a check. while sitting in the fourth position in line, Dungy started talking about his son's suicide. he starts off by saying "Today is a great day." i thought what the hell does he mean, its a great day? thats a terrible day. "many of you probably thought I miss spoke, but today is a celebration of life." he goes on to quote a bible verse, somewhere in Daniel i suppose. "Daniel wrote this verse not during a time of joy and happiness, he wrote this while fleeing for his life from the tax collectors." excuse my paraphrasing, but you catch the gist. he says that even amongst tragedy, we should find the time to praise God. It is because he is the only one who can really help us get out of the rut we are in by his love and saving grace. I personally have lost my faith to a degree, but as i listened to those words, i noticed a tear rolling down my cheek.
I am not alone in my suffering. God is going through this with me. He feels my pain in a very real way. He is trying to help me through this in a way that I am going to learn something important about life. what it is i am not supposed to know at this moment in time.
There was something about what Dungy said in the speech at his son's funeral that really touched me. I realized that this most likely isnt going to be the hardest thing in my life. yes, I joined the Navy knowing that Daphne was going to be there to support me through it all. Now she isnt. Im going to be a nuclear engineer. on my own. yet this may not be the toughest. i couldnt ever tell you what is, even with my last breath.
Dungy described his son in such a way that i felt a sort of resemblence to him in some ways, and in some ways i wish i were. he said that his son was a friend to all, through the thickest and the thinest. i sort of see myself there. i have never abandoned a friend in need. but then again, maybe i have and dont see it.
i wish i didnt have to deal with the loss of a loved one, but i do. there is no way around it. i have to confront my sense of loss, accept it, and move on with my life. i can no longer allow myself to be sucked into thoughts that shes going to ring my bell at any minute. that cant be my first thought. shes never coming back. i really am better off without her. life for me is beginning in 3 days. when i board that plane i am leaving home for the last time. every time i come back to el paso, it will be just that. i visit to el paso. i cant imagine what i would be going through right now if we were still together. the terrible feeling i had leaving for school last year would have been nothing compared to what it would have been this time. for that i am thankful that i do not have to endure. i know when i leave my true friends are going to be the one i maintain contact with. this kind of washes the slate clean. i can wash away my feelings for her. i can forget about getting back with her, especially her crawling back.
these were basically the sumation of my thoughts before that call.
Daphne called me to wish me luck. being that i no longer had her number and was expecting a call from someone else, i ignorantly foregoed looking at the number and picked it up, expecting ernie's voice and was surprised by hearing a girls. i asked who it was, and she replied daphne. I noticied right away that I no longer recognized the voice of my ex lover. i casually passed through to the whats up, to which she replied, i wanted to wish you look and i didnt want you to leave with us not on speaking terms. my heart started beating faster and faster, i could feel my face flush and all i could muster to say was yeah... me too. i blanked. she quickly dropped a "so what are you doing"
"nothing"
"are you packing?"
"well i cant really take anything with me," i said. i shook off the momentary lapse and said there was something i wanted to talk to her about as well.
"i just wanted to say thank you."
"for what?" she says.
"just for everything... for always putting up with me. i know i wasnt always the easiest to get along with, so i just wanted to let you know that i appreciated it." i manage to squeak out right as i am out of air.
"no... theres no need to say thank you. you are going on to do great things."
"i know..."
"well... keep me informed on what you are up to"
"i'll try"
"alright, I'll talk to you later"
I'll talk to you later? did she really say that? what does she mean by that? what does it matter? i feel great! who cares if she doesnt? finally! i feel relieved! she cracked!
Its amazing how feelings can change just by the simple act of calling someone on the phone. she did it. not me. I can feel safe in knowing that I am worth missing. thats really all i can say at this time about that feeling. i still know that it changes nothing about whether or not we get back together. thats in God's hands now. I feel at peace simply knowing that I am worth putting aside whatever bad feelings there are, no matter how briefly. maybe she realized this was going to be the last chance she was going to talk to me ever and wanted to clear her name. at least i somewhat cleared mine. if she really believed the rumors, would she still have called? at the moment it doesnt matter. there is no way she can look back and call my feelings for her anything but genuine. that two minute call may have just gotten me through all of this. it doesnt really make sense, and i just cant seem to put into words why i feel so good at knowing this. but i do. i dont have to leave with a heavy heart. well... at least not as heavy.
and for the first time in a long time im actually fighting off sleep. so goodnight.
i havent slept well in at least 2 weeks. i hate the thought of sleep. i hate knowing that for the next two hours im going to be lying on my bed thinking of her. thinking every concievable thought about her. mostly how i miss her. i couldnt stop thinking about how bad i wanted her to make a move, to show a weakness. to prove that she knew they were just rumors. to know that she still knows that im a damn good boyfriend and that it wasnt the smartest idea to let me go. i kept thinking of her ringing my doorbell at any minute to ask to talk to me and for her to tell me that she still loves me but that she knows this is terrible timing but that she wants to be in my life as much as she can at the highest role that she can when i feel like i can handle it.
who the hell am i kidding? that's never going to happen. face the facts tony. she practically hates you because of these rumors. i wish i could yell at her and tell her that they are not true and to just look back at our relationship and every little loving thing i did for her without expecting anything in return. but shes not. she has dismissed me completely. she is just fine with her new set of friends. i can tell myself that they dont care about her and her best interests and that they are gonna drop her eventually, but i know they wont. they are good people. they do care about her. they were right all along about this "break." this is whats best for us. but i wrongly assumed the meaning of us. i still thought of "us" as a unit, but by us everyone meant her and me. seperate. apart.
i have been torturing myself with these thoughts and realizing here and there that its going to be the end of my navy career even before i go. im not ready to do this. i cant handle any more emotional stress. im going to break. this "a" school is the toughest in the world. represents the top 3rd of the navy? im going to fail at this. because i cant move on.
i finally broke down yesterday. i told my mom amidst tears about how i keep expecting her to come and ring the bell. i told her that i knew i was setting myself up for disaster. she understood. she told me i never properly grieved. i never said goodbye to the dead hopes and dreams of that relationship. she said i needed a distraction for today. i needed to get out of the house and do something active. so today i went shopping with my mom.
my mom had been listening to Tony Dungy's book on tape called "Quiet Strength". she told me i could turn it off if i wanted to, but i didnt care enough to bother. we stopped and got some barbeque sauce from smitty's and then stopped at wells fargo to drop off a check. while sitting in the fourth position in line, Dungy started talking about his son's suicide. he starts off by saying "Today is a great day." i thought what the hell does he mean, its a great day? thats a terrible day. "many of you probably thought I miss spoke, but today is a celebration of life." he goes on to quote a bible verse, somewhere in Daniel i suppose. "Daniel wrote this verse not during a time of joy and happiness, he wrote this while fleeing for his life from the tax collectors." excuse my paraphrasing, but you catch the gist. he says that even amongst tragedy, we should find the time to praise God. It is because he is the only one who can really help us get out of the rut we are in by his love and saving grace. I personally have lost my faith to a degree, but as i listened to those words, i noticed a tear rolling down my cheek.
I am not alone in my suffering. God is going through this with me. He feels my pain in a very real way. He is trying to help me through this in a way that I am going to learn something important about life. what it is i am not supposed to know at this moment in time.
There was something about what Dungy said in the speech at his son's funeral that really touched me. I realized that this most likely isnt going to be the hardest thing in my life. yes, I joined the Navy knowing that Daphne was going to be there to support me through it all. Now she isnt. Im going to be a nuclear engineer. on my own. yet this may not be the toughest. i couldnt ever tell you what is, even with my last breath.
Dungy described his son in such a way that i felt a sort of resemblence to him in some ways, and in some ways i wish i were. he said that his son was a friend to all, through the thickest and the thinest. i sort of see myself there. i have never abandoned a friend in need. but then again, maybe i have and dont see it.
i wish i didnt have to deal with the loss of a loved one, but i do. there is no way around it. i have to confront my sense of loss, accept it, and move on with my life. i can no longer allow myself to be sucked into thoughts that shes going to ring my bell at any minute. that cant be my first thought. shes never coming back. i really am better off without her. life for me is beginning in 3 days. when i board that plane i am leaving home for the last time. every time i come back to el paso, it will be just that. i visit to el paso. i cant imagine what i would be going through right now if we were still together. the terrible feeling i had leaving for school last year would have been nothing compared to what it would have been this time. for that i am thankful that i do not have to endure. i know when i leave my true friends are going to be the one i maintain contact with. this kind of washes the slate clean. i can wash away my feelings for her. i can forget about getting back with her, especially her crawling back.
these were basically the sumation of my thoughts before that call.
Daphne called me to wish me luck. being that i no longer had her number and was expecting a call from someone else, i ignorantly foregoed looking at the number and picked it up, expecting ernie's voice and was surprised by hearing a girls. i asked who it was, and she replied daphne. I noticied right away that I no longer recognized the voice of my ex lover. i casually passed through to the whats up, to which she replied, i wanted to wish you look and i didnt want you to leave with us not on speaking terms. my heart started beating faster and faster, i could feel my face flush and all i could muster to say was yeah... me too. i blanked. she quickly dropped a "so what are you doing"
"nothing"
"are you packing?"
"well i cant really take anything with me," i said. i shook off the momentary lapse and said there was something i wanted to talk to her about as well.
"i just wanted to say thank you."
"for what?" she says.
"just for everything... for always putting up with me. i know i wasnt always the easiest to get along with, so i just wanted to let you know that i appreciated it." i manage to squeak out right as i am out of air.
"no... theres no need to say thank you. you are going on to do great things."
"i know..."
"well... keep me informed on what you are up to"
"i'll try"
"alright, I'll talk to you later"
I'll talk to you later? did she really say that? what does she mean by that? what does it matter? i feel great! who cares if she doesnt? finally! i feel relieved! she cracked!
Its amazing how feelings can change just by the simple act of calling someone on the phone. she did it. not me. I can feel safe in knowing that I am worth missing. thats really all i can say at this time about that feeling. i still know that it changes nothing about whether or not we get back together. thats in God's hands now. I feel at peace simply knowing that I am worth putting aside whatever bad feelings there are, no matter how briefly. maybe she realized this was going to be the last chance she was going to talk to me ever and wanted to clear her name. at least i somewhat cleared mine. if she really believed the rumors, would she still have called? at the moment it doesnt matter. there is no way she can look back and call my feelings for her anything but genuine. that two minute call may have just gotten me through all of this. it doesnt really make sense, and i just cant seem to put into words why i feel so good at knowing this. but i do. i dont have to leave with a heavy heart. well... at least not as heavy.
and for the first time in a long time im actually fighting off sleep. so goodnight.